“I found her.”
“Who?”
“Paula, Dad. My mom.”
“Christ, you saw her? Jeez, I wish I’d stopped you from this adventure.”
“No,” I whispered. “I didn’t see her.”
“All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, content, feel like you had a sweet life despite the shit circumstances. I knew finding her would be bad news.”
“I randomly met this girl, and it turned out her mom had been friends with Paula. It was like finding the most perfect shell on the beach. I couldn’t believe my luck.”
I told my dad the rest of the story, not leaving out any detail, and he listened. He didn’t interrupt or pass judgment.
When I was done, I asked, “That’s why I have to ask ... did you know?”
A long beat of silence passed, and then he said, “Paps did, not long before he died. He sent a detective to look for her. Found her high on Lord only knows what, out of her mind in some ritzy penthouse. Paps took the information to be an omen. You were better with us. We decided to keep you away from all of that. I’m sorry if it was wrong. You were loved. More than loved. Know that, Em. We tried to love you more than enough.”
All the words stuck in my throat, I sobbed.
“Em, do you want to come home?”
“I don’t know, Dad. I need time to think. Bev’s my friend, and now I ruined everything with the only good friend I made. She’s dismissed me. Plus, there’s this guy ... and maybe my mom is somewhere out there needing help, needing to know I grew up fine. Maybe that would help her ... I just don’t know. I’m confused.”
It was a hard thing to admit, being confused, but it slipped out. Maybe because my dad was the only person who ever listened to me. Destined for heartbreak, I hadn’t given up the ghost in finding Paula. What the hell was wrong with me?
“Don’t torture yourself, sweetie. Your mom may be too far gone, and that’s not on you,” my dad said. “You can’t help a person who doesn’t want help. And it sounds to me like your friend told you, Paula doesn’t want any help. That’s not on you, or me. Look, Em, I did the best I could. Maybe it wasn’t always the best or the way I should have done shit, but I’m just a guy with a daughter he loves to pieces.”
“I’ll let you know. ’Kay? That’s the best I can do.”
“Emerson, this is your home. Come anytime. Call me anytime. I love you, do you hear me? No matter what, I love you. It’s always been you and me, honey. Please don’t make yourself sick over this.”
His worry for me was evident in his cracked voice. Yet I couldn’t make myself stop this search.
“Love you,” I said quickly and hung up.
Not sure how long I lay there, wondering why my dad’s love for me wasn’t enough. Why did I consider myself the only person who could really save my mom?
So there I lay, like a wealthy woman on TV eating bonbons, long enough for the sun to set and rise again. No school for me yet, since I hadn’t gotten any clarity on anything since I left home.
Price took a seat at the bar on Saturday night. “Hey there, stranger.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Getting a beer,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “Am I not welcome? Someone else here caught your eye?” He smiled and pretended to look around the bar.
“Ha, no. You said you were going home after seeing your dad. Everything okay?”
“Well, good to know you were listening.”
“Hey, I’m a bartender. I listen. It’s what gets me the big bucks,” I joked, but I could see something was off.
There was a tiny furrow between Price’s eyes, a little divot of worry. His smile wasn’t fooling me. I’d grown up around men, and I knew when they were trying to cover up their feelings.
“I was supposed to head there this morning,” he said, not meeting my eyes. “But I changed my mind.”
“Is that so?” I filled a chilled pint glass with the latest beer on tap and set it in front of him, not wanting to admit how happy I was to see him. A certain calm rushed over me, in a way I’d never experienced before.
