AJ
Spring had finally fucking come. With it the ground thawed and my shopping center project started to pick up speed. Which was good because my demons were eating at my gut. I was being consumed alive, and I needed to keep myself busy.
Bess was back. She’d been back for a month, but I knew better than to push her to see me. I’d already made that mistake once or twice.
Throwing my truck in gear, my eighth cigarette of the morning hanging out of my mouth, its smoke coiling around me like my emotions were doing in my belly, I headed to the morning meeting. I couldn’t beg, but I had to see her. Just lay my eyeballs on her.
I knew she was going regularly to the early one. Fucking Shirley. God-fucking-dammit. I’d known that lady for a long time. She thought she could save every fucking soul. I’d had enough coffees at her diner counter to know, and now she had her claws in Bess.
I knew because she had told me as much.
It had been late one afternoon and I’d been fucking freezing from standing out on a site. I’d just smashed my cigarette out in the canister in front of the diner and made my way to the bar as I held my last breath of nicotine in, letting it out as I took a seat.
Who the fuck are all these people who say we can’t smoke inside buildings? Controlling assholes, that’s who.
“Hey, AJ, what can I do for you?” Shirley had asked me.
“Coffee, black,” I’d said.
“Please. Thanks, Shirl,” she’d said, mocking me.
“Don’t get all high-and-mighty with me, Shirley. I know you took my girl, turning her against me. God fucking knows what you’re filling her head with.”
She’d slammed the coffee mug in front of me and leaned her elbows down on the counter as she gave me that glare that mommas everywhere do so well. “Don’t you dare speak to me that way, Andrew Jon. Not now. Not ever. Maybe I used to be a pushover once, but no more,” she said as she pointed her finger at my face.
I lowered my head. I had a conscience—whether I let it show or not lately.
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
“You better be, boy. You had no business getting involved with that young lady other than helping her as a sponsor. What the hell is wrong with you? I should’ve stopped your sorry ass.”
“I know, but she’s my Bess. Anyone who meets her once knows she’s fucking special. And I could give her a good life. I get where she’s been.” I took a slug of my coffee, allowing it to burn its way down my throat, making its way to my acid-filled stomach.
Shirley shook her head, giving me a pitying look. “AJ, honey, she needs to find her own way. You can’t solve that for her, no one can. Not me or that man from out of town. This I know, doll.”
“What man, Shirl? What the hell are you talking about?”
I grabbed my forehead.
This is why she went to Florida.I had to stop this. Whatever this cat-and-mouse game was.
“You know what, Shirley? Never mind. You should mind your own fucking business when it comes to Bess too.”
I threw some money on the counter and hightailed it out of there.
That night I went ballistic when I got home, tossing shit around my house—a lamp, my side table, and a fucking framed picture of my parents—before I sat up the rest of the night smoking out on my porch. I couldn’t have given two fucks if it was freezing.
Early the next day, I blew off morning roll call with my crews to catch a glimpse of the little tramp.
Guiding my truck into a spot in the church parking lot, I saw her car and flung myself out of the cab. My heavy boots ate up the asphalt and I was in the church before I could take stock of what I was doing. When I threw open the door, reality came crashing down on me as heads turned and all eyes in the room focused on me.
Shit. I was using a meeting, doing the ultimate sacrilegious act, all to manipulate Bess. I could be hindering her sobriety, and even I knew that wasn’t what I intended or wanted.
Without saying a word, I turned around and walked back to my truck.
A cold wind whipped all around me, its mood about as angry as my own. It wasn’t quite spring, but winter wasn’t totally over. The air was damp and moist, a chill running through it. It hit my face and tears burned at my eyes.
From the wind. Yeah, right.
