His main beef with the place was that they didn't have enough books to keep up with his appetite—or much of a plan for working with a kid reading at his absurdly high level. That, and he was barely out of toddlerhood and couldn't form objective opinions on these things yet.
"You won't be going back there," I said. "I'm going to find the perfect place for you. I have a friend who's a teacher andI'm going to get her advice. She'll know what to do. Trust me on this."
He stroked Beast's head as one tear streaked down his cheek. "Okay."
"All right, young man. Listen up." When he met my gaze after a long moment of tending to Beast, I said, "It's really late for me. I'm going to conk out any minute. We better get you into that bed."
He set the tablet down and shuffled around the room, rearranging his stuffies and pulling down the sheets. When he climbed into bed, he propped the tablet between his toys and curled on his side to face me. "Are you at Grammy Jannie's house now?"
"Not yet," I said. "I'll get there tomorrow."
"Are you going to ride horses?"
I shook my head. Another thing we'd missed on Mom's itinerary. "Not this time but we'll definitely do it when we visit her for the holidays this winter."
"Special secret trails only.”
"You know me," I replied. "I don't get on a horse unless it's to ride with my child on unmarked trails in unfamiliar territory."
He gave me a floppy little salute as he yawned. "Remember not to eat any of Grammy Jannie's candy."
I'd learned the hard way that the candy dishes scattered around my mother's place were filled withmedicinaltreats. I ended up sleeping it off on the floor because the bed felt too porous. Which had been a very real concern for me at the time.
"Thanks for the reminder." I'd have to mention that to Audrey. God only knew what would happen if my mother dosed her with her special blend of psychoactives. "Do you want to watch some videos? Or do you want me to read to you?"
He tapped a finger to his chin. We started watching funny internet videos when he'd been miserably sick with an earinfection. I scrolled through social media while he dozed in my lap but he stopped me when a panda video came across my feed. For thirty seconds, the only thing that mattered to him was watching those pandas fall out of trees and roll down hills. Ever since, I'd kept a folder of bookmarked videos to help him zone out.
I didn't know if using social media to get my kid to sleep made me a terrible parent but it wasn't like I was introducing him to dudes with podcasts. Just goofy animals and some hypnotic cooking videos. Extremely precise cookie decorating clips knocked him out every time.
His eyes almost closed, he shook his head, signing, "Too tired."
"All right, good sir. This is where I leave you. Sleep well." Another yawn slipped out of him. "Call me if you need anything. Especially if your eyes are itchy when you wake up. Love you, Perce."
"Love you," he said, his fingers barely forming the sign.
I let the call linger for a few more minutes as he drifted off. I watched him breathe, just as I did most nights. Hadn't let go of that since the car accident. There was certainty in watching his little chest rise and fall. I didn't have all the answers but I knew he'd be okay. We'd be okay.
I typed a few notes to myself about touring some more schools when I got back home and pulled up the contact for the educational consultant I'd worked with to find the so-called baby school. Maybe they'd be able to steer me in the right direction, if Audrey didn't have any ideas.
It was strange to think about leaning on Audrey that way. Even when I'd decided to find her and convince her to come on this trip with me, I didn't let myself think about talking to her again. Not the way we used to talk. Didn't let myself think about sharing a bed or stripping off her wet clothes either.
I ended the call and pushed to my feet, staring at the vast dark stretching out before me. Stars peeked out from behind fast-moving clouds and stray threads of lightning struck in the distance. It wasn't so bad here.
Thinking about it now, under the endless blanket of dark sky and the scents of pinyon pine and rain-soaked red rock, this stop in Grandwood Valley hadn't been bad at all.
As I turned back toward the room, memories of her mouth on mine drowned out the lingering worry about schools and eye infections until all I could think about was the way she'd clung to me as if we hadn't even lost a day. I wanted to go back there, to that moment when she reached for me, when shechoseme.
And when she said I'd abandoned her. When she said I'd given up on her.
Those words hurtled through my mind on an endless loop. In all the destruction between us, I didn't know what was true anymore—and I didn't know what I'd find when I opened this door. Odds were high that Audrey had already power-washed the incident from memory and was going to wrap herself up in all that polite, good girl energy to keep the boundaries in place.
But I watched her dance with every cowboy in that dive bar tonight. I watched her smile and flirt and shake her sweet little ass. And then she wrapped her body around mine like she wouldn't be happy unless she stole a piece of me to keep for herself.
Audrey was no good girl—and she wasn't nearly as polite as she wanted everyone to believe.
chapter twenty-three
Audrey
