She eyed one where I’d drawn a map of Twin Tulip on the back side. “They look like treasure maps.”
“Nope, not treasure,” I said, my words sounding as unsteady as I felt. “I know I said we’d talk but I need to make a phone call.”
“That’s okay.” She bobbed her head, still angling for a look at the letters as I shuffled them back into the box. “I’m going to read a story to my toys.”
Of course, these notes didn’t fit now that I’d unfolded them, and I wasn’t going to force them in there. These things were fifteen, sixteen years old. And he’d kept them for a reason, a reason I wasn’t prepared to comprehend.
“Sounds good,” I called after her.
Once Gennie was in her bedroom, I grabbed the box, the notes, and my laundry basket, and headed downstairs. I closed the basement door and crept down the stairs on tiptoe though I couldn’t explain precisely why I was sneaking around. It didn’t make sense but it felt extremely necessary.
Once I reached the bottom, I tapped Jaime’s contact and held the phone out in front of me, waiting for her to pick up. When her face finally appeared on the screen, I blurted out, “Noah just told me that he loves me and I asked him for proof and I’m freaking out because I forgot all about the letters I wrote him in high school—which he kept—and all of this is too much. It’stoo much, Jaime.”
She twisted her hair over her shoulder, saying, “Slow down, slow down. Why are we frazzled about this? I think I told you that he loved you when I was stuck in that tire swing of yours.”
“Because he also said he’s loved me for a really long time,” I said, all the words rushing out at once. “Since we were teenagers. And then he left a bunch of notes I’d written back in high school and I realized I used to draw stars at the end instead of signing my name.”
She blinked at me. “And?” I unfolded one of the notes, held it up to the screen. “Wait, wait, wait. There is no way. Holy bananas, doll. Did he…name his farm after you?”
“Maybe?” I scanned the note again. “I used to call him Blue Gray. Because he was sad and moody. And I was weird and thought I could read auras back then.”
“You’re still weird but we can’t pretend it’s a coincidence that his farm’s logo is made up of the exact stars you drew on a blue-gray background.”
“Why would he do that?”
She blinked at me. “Other than wanting a constant reminder of you?”
“He never said anything. I mean, we were friends but”—I sighed, rubbed my forehead—“but I never knew.”
“It seems he’s forgiven you for that oversight.” When I didn’t respond, Jaime hummed to herself for a second. “I’m going to miss the shit out of you.”
“What?”
“I’ll visit as much as I can. Long weekends, holidays, summers. You might have to pick me up—is there a train to Rhode Island? I’m not sure—but I’m going to visit. You’re family to me. Just because you have your storybook town and your storybook husband doesn’t mean you can blow off the chaotic bisexual friend.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
She rolled her eyes. “Helovesyou, Shay. He’s loved you even longer than I have and he has the evidence to back it up. Add that to the fact he married you so you could get your granny’s farm and he took down Xavier in the middle of the farmers market, and you know what comes next.”
Tears filled my eyes as I said, “But I don’t know.”
“Yes, doll, you do. You let him love you. You live your happy life with your bizarre little tulip farm and his precious pirate niece. You take the job at that school—first grade so we can share plans, please—and you stay there. With the husband who loves you so much he wanted to see your little star drawing every single day, even before you came back to him.”
“But what if—”
“Nope.” She held up a hand. “No. We’re not playing What If. We’re playing Daddy Bread Baker Loves You. We’re not spending our time looking for loose threads or sinkholes. We’re not comparing him to the ex and his great many red flags. We’re taking the incontrovertible proof that your husband provided you today—the proof you asked for—and believing in it.”
“But what if he changes his mind?”
“You have a lot of practice at ignoring all the reasons a situation is wrong for you so it’s going to take some time to recognize why it’s right. You’ll just have to trust me on this.” She sighed. “You just don’t see the way he looks at you. If you could, you’d know what I do, which is that he made up his mind a long, long time ago and he’s been waiting on you to make up yours.”
I stared across the basement for a minute. There were boxes stacked in one corner and some old furniture in the other. It was all precise and tidy, just as Noah would have it. Eventually, I said, “I don’t know how to do this.”
“Then tell him that.”
“I just—I don’t know—I know he’s going to leave. Or he’ll realize he wants to leave but can’t because he’s trapped in this thing with me or it would hurt Gennie or—”
“Tell him that too,” she said. “Tell him you’ve road tested a whole lot of abandonment issues and the ex really topped that situation off. Especially when you met with him against my advice a few weeks ago. Tell him you’re extra jumbled and mumbled from that, and you’re trying to find your way through it. Tell him what’s in your head right now.”
