"I just need some time to think. That's all," I said. He stared at me in a way that confirmed he knew my words were little more than bandages over bullet wounds. Hesawme and hewantedme, and I couldn't even begin to consider that until I processed the possibility that we weren't a toxic mistake. Of course we were a toxic mistake! But what if we weren't? What if… No, I couldn't go there. Not yet. "You have to know I'm not good at this. At being with people. That has to be obvious to you and—"
"No one will ever love you the way I do," he said.
I dropped the things I was holding. My hairbrush slid off the bed, onto the floor. One sandal landed in the suitcase. I wasn't sure where the other one ended up. "What?"
"You own every valve and chamber of my heart yet you could leave here tonight and meet someone who will give you everything you need, everything you've ever wanted. And I'd be happy for you too. Doyougetthat?" He sounded irritable, like I was intentionally missing the point. "I'd be happy for you, even if you weren't with me. You could walk away from me now and take"—he slapped a hand to his chest—"everything I have to give and keep it with you as proof that you are deserving of all the love I have to offer. But you need to understand something, Sara. That person who will love every weird and stubborn side of you? They won't know the first thing about fighting with you all the way down the Charles River while you do your damnedest to drown them, and they won't know how ruthless and relentless you are when it comes to winning at team-building exercises. They won't know the absolute pleasure of dying by your hand in bubble suit jousting and knowing that is the best and only way to leave this world. They won't know anything about arguing with you while trying to get under your clothes in a foyer and they won't know when to remind you of the right way to breathe and they won't know that no one will ever lovemethe wayyoudo. Before you start screeching at me about—"
"I donotscreech."
"—how you've never said that you love me, let me tell you that I don't give a fuck about the words. I don't need them, Sara. I don't. You've spent these past few days with me and given me everything of yours to hold safe. You let me block and tackle your father. Even before this week, you let me doctor you at Acevedo's house and tuck you in before I left your sweet little demonic face in bed. I don't need the words. I already know what I need to know. I just need you to choose me."
I wasn't sure when I started crying, but there were tears streaming down my face and they weren't stopping. "Sebastian…"
"Don't say anything. Okay? Just don't say anything right now. Go home and think about—about all of this. You want time? Take all the time you need. You know where to find me. But don't find me until you've realized youareready to choose."
For a second, neither of us moved. We didn't even blink.
Then Sebastian crossed the room and came to my side, his arms wrapping around me at once. He pressed his lips to my temple. "I don't want to be alone with anyone but you. Understand?"
I gave a watery sniff and nodded. "Yeah."
He gave me a bone-crunching squeeze and another kiss before stepping back. I pressed my palms to my eyes because this was not what I wanted from our last day together.
When I blinked at the room, I was alone.
Chapter29
Sebastian
I spentthe rest of the week sitting on the beach, wishing Sara was with me. I wasn't sure if it was an exact match but this seemed a lot like going on a honeymoon alone. Hollow, empty, questioning every one of my life choices. It was close enough.
I reread the entireChronicles of Narniaseries because what the fuck else was I going to do? I parked my ass on that beach, read books I didn't actually like, and kept up an argument with myself as to whether I'd made a colossal error in dumping all that information on Sara while she was already freaking out.
If I was smart—and we all knew I wasn't—I would've said nothing. Not a goddamn word. What I could've done was accept that she wasn't ready for me to jump in and take possession of the next fifty years of her life. It wasn't like I had to tell her I loved her and no one else would ever be able to give her what I would. I could've shut my fucking mouth. I could've done that. I could've continued being her enemy with benefits, the guy she fucked whenever she was in the mood to stop holding everything in. I could've been that guy for her. The one who gave her the space to be free and knew how to watch while friends fixed her up with the right guys.
I was never the one friends fixed up and I knew better than to expect it. I was never the right guy. I was the wrong guy, the douche waffle guy, the egotistical guy, the guy who glared at everyone, the guy who growled instead of speaking. I was the fucking worst. I was the guy who flirted with unavailable women. I was the guy who hadn't cracked a smile in years. I was the guy who found everything annoying and loved hating things for no good reason. I was theworstguy and I got that. I understood the situation thoroughly.
With that rosy reality in mind, I seriously considered leaving the island early. I would've done that if I didn't think Sara would've interpreted that as an attack on the time I'd promised her. She needed to figure out what she wanted from me—if anything, but please, god, let it be something—and I needed to grant her that time without impatiently stomping around her. I needed her to take that time and realize she was as ready as she needed to be.
Not that I even understood the issue ofbeingready. Hell, she'd been ready since the day she ripped my shirt open. I'd bet anything she was still finding those buttons around her bedroom. That perfect little tyrant knew exactly what she wanted. She just had to climb out of her head long enough to let herself want it.
It wascold and wet when I landed in Boston on Sunday.
I hated myself for it, but I couldn't suppress the twinge of disappointment that came from walking through the terminal and not finding Sara waiting there for me.
I hated myself a little more when I stomped up the stairs to my apartment and slammed the door as hard as I could, only to stare at that door for a solid ten minutes in hopes of her coming up to say hello.
I really hated myself the next morning when I glanced out the window and spotted her chaos bun crossing the street toward the hospital.
Coming to the airport was a reach and assuming she was awake when I got in last night was poor form, but she would've waited for me in the foyer this morning if she wanted to see me.
She didn't want to see me and there was nothing I could do about it. That was the problem inherent in sending her off with an ultimatum. I should've known better.
And I did. I knew better. I knew no one ever chose me.
Chapter30
Sebastian
