Annette:Ah. All right. I'll see what I can do about meeting these specifications, then.
Brooke:You're implying that I'm super high maintenance and I'd like to point out that while it's true, it's also very strange that modern tradition requires people to sit in front of flaming baked goods while others sing.
Annette:Sure, honey. Whatever you want. I'll just hide the cake and leave you to find it alone, without anyone watching or singing.
Brooke:Now you're just being absurd.
Annette:I'm absurd. Sure.
Brooke:I never should've told you my birth date.
Annette:Yes, you should have. You just don't want to be the center of attention in ways you can't control.
Brooke:Well…shit.
Brooke:I don't know how much of Annette Unfucks My Life I can handle today.
Annette:It's what you get. You unfucked my life.
Brooke:Did not!
Annette:I distinctly recall a conversation where you YELLED at me IN PUBLIC about how I am to proceed when there is a cock in my hand. I call that unfucking my life.
Brooke:You needed permission to have sex. I need…a field of lavender and sage, a wheelbarrow of crystals, a shaman, a priest, a psychiatrist, Marie Kondo, Cesar Millan, and Jillian Michaels.
Brooke:And some good dick. You don't even understand how much dick I need. The wheelbarrow I really need is a wheelbarrow of dicks. It's at crisis levels.
Annette:I understand the sage, lavender, crystals, and dick, but why do you need a dog whisperer? You don't have a dog.
Brooke:Cesar Millan just seems like the kind of guy who takes one look at you and tells you how to solve all your problems. Dog or otherwise.
Annette:And Jillian Michaels?
Brooke:She'd yell at me.
Annette:Isn't her thing yelling at people while they exercise? You don't exercise. At all.
Brooke:Yeah, but I'm sure she'd yell at me about anything I need for the right price.
Annette:And why do you need someone yelling at you?
Brooke:Same reason I need crystals and lavender. My life is a hot mess and I'm irrationally concerned about cakes and singing.
Annette:Mmhmm. Okay. And Marie Kondo?
Brooke:This house is full of stuff. It drives me bananas. For once, I'd like to open a closet and find it empty. One less pile of shit for me to deal with.
Annette:She's going to make you touch all the stuff and decide if it brings you joy.
Brooke:I'd really prefer she make those decisions for me.
Annette:Not how it works.
Brooke:All I want is one full day where I don't have to make the decisions or deal with the problems.
Annette:And you'll have it. Birthday weekend, my darling. No decisions, no problems.
Brooke:Will you be arranging the man meat as well?
