"'Big mistake,'" Lauren said, quoting the film.
"'Big. Huge,'" Tiel added.
"You like the one with the cock," Shannon said.
I pressed my hand to my chest as I laughed. "For the record, they both have cocks."
"The one with the impressive cock," she clarified. "And don't tell me they're both impressive. I'm sure the firefighter knows how to work the hose."
I nodded, my cheeks heating. He did. He really did. "I do like the one with the impressive cock, yes."
"And you like the firefighter too," Lauren said.
Another nod. "I do."
Shannon held up her hands, letting them fall to her lap. "You could just have two men. Don't make yourself sick trying to choose. Even if I'm excited by the prospect of a meat market and some scoring criteria, that doesn't mean you have to make a decision."
"They're a lot to handle on their own," I admitted. "I couldn't imagine them together. It would end in a mushroom cloud of testosterone."
"No, I wasn't suggesting you have them together," Shannon replied. "Just have two boyfriends. There's nothing wrong with that. Plenty of people do that or something like that. If we're placing value judgments on anything, I'd say that's an improvement over randomly fucking your way through hookup apps. But there's nothing wrong with the random fucking if that works for you."
"I thought about that, about having two boyfriends. It's been on my mind this week," I said. "I thought I'd feel totally conflicted and horrible about things…progressing…with both of them. But I didn't feel any of that. I like them both. I like who I am with each of them. I don't want to give up either of them. It hurts me to think about not having one of them in my life."
"Then don't," Tiel offered. "Do your thing, girl. Get it."
"I will but…but I don't want to do it forever," I said. "Or even much longer than the summer. I adore them both and I hate the idea of giving one of them up but this is project management. I do enough of that during that day. They're a lot to juggle."
"Dicksaredifficult to juggle," Shannon murmured. "Balls are easier."
"I mix up things constantly," I continued. "I forget what I've said to which guy. I forget which person I'm meeting for dinner or whether I've asked one of them about their work thing yet. It's fun but I'm not cut out for long-term polyamory. Honestly, neither are they. They're a little unchained when they remember they're not the only dude in my life."
"That's their problem," Tiel said. "Not yours. They need to handle themselves without putting pressure and baggage on you."
"They do," I said. "Really, they do. Some of the baggage is part of the bargain. Ben can't forget his grandmother died. Rob can't forget the people closest to him betrayed him. I can't forget that I've been burned too many times to trust fire."
"I know all about burns," Tiel replied. "I know how tough it is to tolerate heat."
I stared at her chin-length black hair as she tapped a beat on the edge of the table. Was she making a pointed comment about me and how I forced her into the fire? Or was this another instance of me jumping to the worst conclusion and assuming everything was about me?
"It sounds like a lot of work," Shannon mused.
"Yes," I agreed. "They're not meant for a poly situation either. They didn't actually choose that. None of us did. We just fell into it and now we're tunneling out. The whole thing is messy. It's going to be messy until it ends and it will probably be messy after that point too."
"I think you might know," Lauren said softly. "I think you know and you're bracing yourself against the pain and upheaval of that choice."
Andy pointed at Lauren while looking at me. "She's mad smart when it comes to this stuff. She understands relationships and knows what should happen next. You should listen to her."
"I do understand," Lauren said, laughing. "But only when it comes to everyone else's relationships."
"I'm hoping the choice makes itself," I admitted. "It's probably silly but I'm waiting for a sign. Something that helps me figure out how to go forward without hurting anyone or getting hurt myself."
Lauren, Andy, Shannon, and Tiel were quiet for a moment. They studied the plates in front of them, the empty glasses Lauren had commandeered, the mason jar in the center of the table filled with gorgeous peonies. They remained silent while the reality of this crazy, sexy, fun situation settled around them and they understood it to be more heartbreaking than anything else.
It was wonderful to have these men vying over me. It was a dream come true. But it was complicated and someone was going to get hurt. Maybe several someones.
And in the back of my mind, I worried I'd make the wrong choice. I worried I'd live my life wondering about the one I gave up.
I had to be certain. If I wasn't, I couldn't choose either of them. And that was just as painful.
