There was something wrong with me. Something really fucking wrong. A blind spot in my consciousness, an error in my intuition, a weak link in the evolutionary chain. There was no other explanation for repeatedly being the woman men used for ladder-climbing and appearances. The perennial secondchoice.
"But-but-but-but," Rileystuttered.
His face twisted in frustration and his hands fisted, and I resented that my first instinct was to soothe him. Sweep my fingers over his cheeks and erase the blush blooming there. Needing distance, I paced away from him, to the other side of the room. "So, what then? When is she leaving herhusband?"
He loosened his tie and wrenched his collar open. "That's not how it is, Alex," he snapped. "She doesn'tevenknow."
It wasn't hard to imagine Riley and Lauren together. She was peach pie, the best parts of sweetness and summer and serenity in one curvy package. She'd indulge his need for fun and adventure, and he'd build an altar to worship her. They'd have adorable children with her sunny blonde hair and his easy smile, and they'd wrap those babies up with love like satinribbons.
My hands flailed at my sides as that ribbon slipped away from me. Was it ever mine? Probably not. I wasn't peach pie, and I wasn't the kind of woman who anyoneworshipped.
"Great. Awesome. I love it when people have long-running affairs. How long has itbeennow?"
"That's not what I meant," he roared, whipping the tie from his collar. The silk snapped, feeding the electricity between us. "She doesn't know anything. She doesn't know that I have feelings for her.Had. Motherfuck.Hadfeelingsforher."
I turned around, forcing his words to meet my back rather than allowing him to see my trembling lips. I was not cryingtonight.
He had feelings—fucking feelings—for her. Without question, there wasn't room in my heart to love Rileyandanother man. I knew it to be a fundamental truth, and one he obviously didn't share. And I knew that I deserved more than scraps. I'd never considered his affection to be anything less than complete but I'd also missed the part about him wanting another woman. My emotions weren't to betrustedhere.
But…Ihadknown. I'd known right away. He was a player man-child, and he wanted someone else. She'd been there allalong.
"Alex, please," Riley said. He was right behind me, his body warm and calling to mine. It required real effort to lean away from him. "I'm fucking this all up. I need to start over. Please let meexplain."
There was nothing wrong with my intuition. My judgment was the issue here. I'd known the facts, at their most basic, from the start. I'd simply chosen to overlook them. And wasn't that my way? Ignoring the obvious until it was kicking me out of myownbed?
"There's nothing to explain," I said, stepping away to put space between us. I ran my fingers over the bed's crisp white coverlet. "If you'd like to do something helpful, you could take me home now. If you're not angling for time with Lauren,thatis."
"Goddamnit, Alexandra," he snapped. "Would you fucking listentome?"
"I will not," I said, reaching for a small pillow. I held it to my belly, an inadequate shield against this assault. "We had an arrangement, and I believe the terms have been fulfilled. I'll just order a car service. Good luck breaking up your brother'smarriage."
It was harsh, but so was watching your boyfriend's heart leap out of his chest and chase after a pretty blonde lollipop. I set the pillow back on the bed and turned to leave, but Riley came up behind me. He flattened his hand on the door, effectively lockingusin.
"Let's get a couple things straight," he said, pressing his chest to my back. "First, you're not going anywhere until you hear the truth, not the cocked-up version you've decided on." I rolled my eyes, but with my back to him, it went unnoticed. "Second, you're the only one I want. You know that, Aly. I knowyoudo."
"Say what you need to say." I crossed my arms, needing any layer of protection I could find, but it only pushed me back, into the cocoon of Riley's body. "But spare me the gory parts. I don't show you the inflamed bowels, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention your deep and infinite love forLauren."
"I don't love her," he said. I almost believed it, too. But then he added, "Notanymore."
I'd never been in love before. There'd been plenty of love-like lust in college but Riley was my first. My only. And I knew that it couldn't be turned on and off. It was a presence; one I couldn't cast away even when I wanteditgone.
Like,rightnow.
"When did you arrive at that conclusion?" Iasked.
He exhaled, and his breath danced over the nape of my neck. He wasright there, and if I leaned back just a bit, I'd be in his arms. I could take my place as his second choice, the consolation prize, and ignore every glimmer of doubt. A shiver rippled through my body like awarningshot.
Don't do it. Don't be thealternative.
"Honestly, I don't know," he said. "Maybe I've always known. It was never…I was never going to act on it. Fuck,no. I'd thought about it plenty oftimes—"
"Gory details," Iwarned.
"I thought I loved her. I'd spent all this time feeling that way, but then—then, there was you. And the love I have with you, it's everything. It's big and messy and real." He roped one arm around my waist—the other still holding the door shut—and dropped his forehead to my shoulder. "You changed everything, Aly. You're the only one I want. I swear to you. On my mother's grave—on my life—I swear you're theonlyone. "
"You're not ready," I said, almost to myself. "I'm not going to be the runner-up. I've done that my entire life, and I'm not doing itwithyou."
"Aly, please believe me," he begged. "You're my first and onlychoice."
