I hope you understand how much I needed this. How I had to get all my issues out and deal with my own reality, and I hope you see a path where you’d consider forgiving me for the awful things I’ve done and taking me back. I’ll understand if you don’t, and I’ll survive if you don’t . . . but Sunshine, I want to do it right this time.
And another.
Tiel–
I’ve readThe Count of Monte Cristoabout 200 times, but now that I’m reading it again, there are parts that feel different to me, and I realized I’m different.
There’s a quote that I never understood:
“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness.”
I always thought it was ridiculous. If someone experiences suffering, it would make sense that they wouldn’t need more than a small amount of joy. All I ever wanted was that tiny taste of happiness because I believed I didn’t want or need or deserve more.
But I was wrong. You showed me more. You showed me that I could have crazy, wild happiness, and we could make something incredible together.
I want something incredible with you. Something safe and forever and real, and know that I will never want it with anyone else, ever.
And one more.
Tiel–
I dreamed of you last night. You were on a beach somewhere, and you were wearing that long yellow skirt. You were walking along the shore and I tried to catch up to you, but I couldn’t. You were just out of reach and I had to watch while you collected shells and dipped your feet in the water. I think it might have been a nightmare but . . . I got to see you again and that made everything better.
Maybe it means we’ll always be apart. That you won’t be able to forgive me. That I’m not forgivable.
Tears were streaming down my face when I looked up, and if there was ever a doubt about this man ruining me, it died the second he offered me his handkerchief.
“I went to your apartment,” he said.
“I wasn’t there. I was defending my dissertation,” I sniffled.
“Ellie mentioned that,” he said. “Congratulations, Dr. Desai.” He folded his arms on the table, dipping his head to meet my eyes. “Can I tell you something?”
“Of course,” I whispered. I couldn’t believe those old patterns came back so quickly. “Andof courseyou’re forgivable.”
“I . . . shit, this was so much easier to say in my head.” He brought his hand to his face and rubbed his forehead, and without thinking, my fingers tangled in his free hand. He looked up, at once surprised and buoyant, and I squeezed. “I realized a few things. You and me? We’re not normal people. We’re weird, and have perverted minds, and there’s no one else out there for us.”
“Is that so?”
“There should be nothing surprising about the pervert part,” he said. He gathered my hands in his, his expression sobering. “Let’s be the people who figure it out. The ones who learn how to do it right.”
“What does that mean?” I whispered.
He was here, talking to me, and he looked fucking incredible. He was nailing the lumberjack underwear model thing, and I couldn’t stop wondering how that beard would feel against my inner thighs.
Focus.
“It means I spent more than two months away from you but can’t get the words in order to tell you I love you and I missed you and I can’t spend another day without you, so please put me out of my misery and come home with me now.”
“I missed you too,” I said. “And I worked like crazy to get my dissertation finished, and I hate all the awful things I said to you. I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”
He studied me, but I couldn’t interpret the gleam in his eyes. “I needed to hear everything you said.” He looked around the bar, frowning. “Can we get out of here?”
He slid out of the booth, and of course I followed. We walked in silence, and when our hands bumped, I slid my palm into his. I didn’t pay attention to where we were going, and I didn’t care that we were wandering the city without saying a word to each other. For all the distance and time we’d put between us, being here with him was all I needed right now. This was the walk we were taking together.
We stopped on a corner, and Sam pointed across the street. We were in front of the firehouse.
“Who are we going to be, Tiel?”
