“This song,” I said. “It just reminds me of Sam.”
“Yeah. About him,” she murmured. “Have you thought about calling him?”
I shook my head and edged my drink away. Much more of that and I’d be face-down on the table. “And say what? ‘Hey, it’s been months but I miss you and I feel like my heart has been ripped out through my belly button and I just want to explain why I was a horrible bitch to you’? I don’t see that happening.”
“Well . . .” She grabbed my drink and drained it. “Why not?”
I rolled my eyes. “Because . . . because he might not want to see me.”
“And what if he does?”
I snorted. “Would you go back to someone who was awful to you?”
“Why can’t you see him and tell him it’s been long enough? Get those big girl panties and make shit happen for you. Now. Go. Find his ass and give him a talking-to.”
“While that is a fantastic idea and all, don’t you think I could get some sleep first?”
Ellie shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
Before I could argue, she nodded toward the bar, and Sam was standing there. Maybe he’d been there all along or maybe I was imagining him, but there he was, tanned, bearded, and rather scruffy. Ellie slipped out of the booth as he walked toward me, and I knew they’d planned this beautifully choreographed dance.
I stared at him, peering past all the changes to find the man I once knew. All the words were bubbling up inside me and I was shaky and shivering, as if I was somehow chilled on a hot day, andfuck,I just wanted to touch him and never, ever stop.
“Hi,” he said. That voice. It was surprisingly deep, and he wasn’t saying much but he was sayingeverything.“Your hair is longer.” He reached out, fingering the strands spilling over my shoulders. I hadn’t found the time to get it cut since before we went to Arizona, and he was here with me, touching my hair even after I’d convinced myself it would never happen. “God, you are so fucking gorgeous.”
“What are you doing here?” I blurted, and those words sliced right through him. He winced, sucking in a breath as he looked away. “That’s not how I meant it to come out. I just . . . I’m sorry but where the fuck have you been? I didn’t think I’d see you again. I mean, I’m not saying you should leave, but I want to know why you dropped off the face of the planet and I don’t know what to say so I’m just letting words fall out of my mouth and hoping they make sense.”
Focus, Tiel.
“I’ve been chopping wood and hating the world and dealing with my issues,” he said. “And that took a lot longer than I expected, but . . .” He reached into his pocket and produced a journal. “Here.”
Part of me was too stunned to speak, and the other part was trying to figure out what was happening. Sam placed it in my hands, nodding, and I opened to an arbitrary page.
Tiel–
I’ll never forget the sound of your voice when you say ‘I love you.’ It’s different, like you’re telling me a secret or speaking in a language that only we can hear.
I just hope I’ll hear it again.
I don’t know how to ask you to forgive me for the things I’ve done, and maybe I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I need you to know that I love you and there is no one in the universe I’ll ever want but you. I’ve been yours since always, and always will be.
Tears blurred in my eyes, and I flipped to another page.
Tiel–
I was so mad at you this morning. I hate that you didn’t believe me when I tried to explain what happened with Magnolia. I hate that you didn’t trust me. I hate that you didn’t believe I’ve changed, that everything had changed.
But I still love you . . . and I hope you still love me.
Then another.
Tiel–
There are some walks you have to take alone, and this is mine. I had to leave and I had to cut myself off from everyone and everything, and I had to stop blaming everyone else for my problems.
But I should have told you. Just like I should have told you about Magnolia and I should have gone to your apartment after that night at Hermit Crab when you shoved your hand in my pants.
I tried telling you everything I was thinking and that worked for a couple of months but it didn’t fix me. I had to fix me. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t wanted to hear your voice.
