Lena stepped closer, taking my hand into her. “I know.”
I shook my head and peered down into her cinnamon eyes. The openness and love shining so brightly in her eyes allowed me to feel comfortable enough to open up.
“No, I mean …” I sighed. “She’s really gone if I read that.” I pointed at the letter in her hand. Her left hand tightened around mine. “That’s the last thing she ever gave me. Ever will give me. If I read that, I have nothing left of her. Nothing new. Nothing more to look forward to from my mother.”
Every year after she died and since my father gave me that letter, I said I would read it. The anniversary of her passing, I said I would read it. It would come and go, and then I’d say on my birthday, I’d read it. Those came and went as well, and I put it off for another year.
“Babe, whether you read it or not, these are her last words to you. There won’t be anything else coming from her. But …” Lena stepped forward, “maybe what she wrote here, you can carry it in your heart. Keep it with you forever, just like the memories you had of her when she was alive.”
She held out the letter to me. I hesitated before eventually taking it. I stared down at the words written on the outside. I’d memorized every loop and curve of her handwriting.
“Why do you want me to read this?” I asked Lena.
“Because someone once told me that they want all of me,” she said, almost whispering. “I love you, Gabriel Grey Wolf Townsend. You have my whole heart. And I want all of yours. I can’t have it if you’re not willing to own all of it yourself. That includes your past.” She dipped her head toward the letter. “Read it.”
She stepped back, releasing my wrist. “I’ll give you some time to read it alone.”
“No.” I grabbed her by the arm, pulling her to me again. “I want you with me when I read it.”
She visibly swallowed but nodded.
I held my free hand over the envelope, looking at the words one final time before flipping it over and opening it. My heart pounded in my chest, though I knew it was foolish to feel frightened about what I might read.
I took a deep breath and pulled the one-page letter out.
I chose to read it out loud.
Dear Wolf,
I’m so sorry these are the final words I will write to you. What I’m more sorry about is the time I don’t get to spend with you. From the day you were born, I looked forward to seeing you grow and mature into the man you’re destined to become. Now, instead of doing that up close, I will have to watch you from afar.
I wish I could tell you everything I know about life and love in this letter, but there are never enough words. Never enough time. I do want to tell you a story.
The day you were born was one of the happiest days in my life. You were the easiest pregnancy I had. Everyone said that because I was older, I’d have more trouble with you, but from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew you were special. As soon as you were born, you cried so loud. But when the doctor put you on my chest, you stopped immediately and began suckling.
Your instincts were so good, I knew you were my wolf. You see, a wolf has incredible instincts. And when they love, they love hard. They’re ferocious in their protection. Just like you have been throughout my sickness. A wolf is also sensitive. Please, Wolf, always trust your gut. It will never steer you wrong. Even when you fear that it has, trust it. It will always lead you home.
I love you, Gabriel. With everything inside of me. Do not let my death make you become bitter and closed off. I can already see that happening in your father and your oldest brother. You are my youngest and most sensitive. Do not allow my death or the world to take away your sweetness.
Be both sides of the wolf. And look for me in the sunrise.
Love always,
Mom
I stared at the letter, reading the words over and over, silently, after reading them out loud. Seconds turned into minutes as I soaked in my mother’s words. The first tear fell sometime after I read it for the third time. Then came the second.
“It’s okay, babe,” Lena softly whispered in my ear while stroking my back.
For the first time in years, I let the torrent of sadness wash over me. I couldn’t hold back.
“Even wolves have to let their guard down sometimes,” Lena consoled before pressing a kiss to my forehead.
This was in complete opposition to what Joel had taught me ever since my mother died. A man doesn’t show his weakness. He takes care of his family and carves out a life for himself. Those were his teachings. They’d been hammered home by life and the betrayal of the first woman I thought I loved.
But I didn’t feel that fear with Lena. Not as I read the letter out loud. Not when the first tears started. And not when she began rocking me and singing while stroking my hair.
We must’ve remained on that bridge for at least another hour. By the time I stood up, I felt drained but oddly refreshed.
