My stomach plummeted.
“Why?”
Chanel blew out a deep breath before pushing her hair behind her ear.
“Because,” she paused, shaking her head. “I never wanted to…it was never my intent to…because I had no one. I mean, I had Gabby, but she was away at the time I found out, and yeah, I had money from my trust fund. Finances were never a concern. But I’d just left someone who truly terrified me, and I couldn’t rely on my family to be there for me. My mother was dead, I was starting a new life in a new city, and I was still broken from what I’d endured. I wasn’t selfless enough to be anyone’s mother with all of that hanging over me.”
“Xavier, did you hear what Chanel said?”
I sat back and thought over Chanel’s words. I heard the pain in her voice as she talked about the agonizing decision she’d made. Maybe it’d been my own anger that’d prevented me from hearing that pain the first time she spoke about it.
“Yeah,” I answered.
“Tell me what you heard her say.”
I wanted to roll my eyes, but then I looked at Chanel, whose watery eyes were back on me, and that urge went away.
Staring directly at her I said, “She said she was scared for her life after everything she’d been through with her ex. She was lonely and didn’t have anyone she could rely on, and with the emotional baggage of her past, she wasn’t ready to be a mother.”
Relief flooded Chanel’s face.
Saying the words aloud helped me to understand better. I still hated it, but I got it.
“And why did it pain you so much to hear of the decision she’d made?”
My forehead creased as I turned surprised eyes on Dr. Winston. “Pain?”
She nodded. “Your reaction to Chanel’s confession tells me pain was triggered for you.”
I wanted to tell this lady she was crazy and to mind her business. That’s what my head was telling me, but my heart was telling me she was correct. I remembered asking my mom about when she found out she was pregnant with me. I remembered the dull feeling that gripped my chest when I’d thought about Chanel and I having children. I hated to admit it, but it was true.
I remained silent, thinking for a while.
“My father,” I finally answered. I turned my head to Chanel who gave me a confused look. “I know what it’s like not to be wanted by a parent. The thought of the woman I loved not wanting to bear my children might have been behind my reaction,” I realized.
“Xavier, I would never…” Her voice trailed off and she sighed. “I’m not the same person I was then. I don’t regret what I did, but I would never consider it now.”
“How was I supposed to know that?” I countered.
“You could’ve asked.”
I had no response to that. I hadn’t stopped to ask how she’d felt about getting pregnant again because in the back of my mind I was afraid she’d say she didn’t want children.
“Do you want kids?”
She paused, looking to Dr. Winston and then back to me. “Yes, I think so. I mean, one day.”
A breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding pushed out my mouth.
“Xavier, can we go back a minute? You said your pain was connected to your father. Tell me about that,” Dr. Winston requested.
“He denied me when he found out my mother was pregnant. My mother forcing him to take a DNA test proved that I was his and made him pay child support. Aside from that, he had no care to be in my life. It is what it is.”
“Is he in your life now?”
“Nah. He tries every now and again.”
“You never told me that,” Chanel interjected.
