I knew he wanted to play with my body, and I was grateful he held off in favor of listening to me. I took a moment to gather my thoughts, deciding that holding him without looking at him made me feel a little braver than I truly was.
“Ren, you’re one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. I thought that I had the perfect setup with my roster—good people, good times, no strings—but that fell apart the moment I started spending time with you.”
I paused. This next part couldn’t be unsaid. As if he knew I needed the encouragement, Ren ran his hand over my heart.
“Thing is,” I started, my voice pitching up, “I can’t imagine not falling for you. If we’re together like this, you have to understand that I’m going to need everything from you.Everything. This could never be casual for me.”
He nodded into my chest, skimming my ribs with his free hand. It tickled, so I laughed, then quieted as he started to speak.
“My husband left a detailed list of things he wanted me to do,” Ren said, flattening his palm on my stomach, “but he didn’t leave any instructions on how to get over him.”
“We’ve had this conversation,” I said, sliding my fingertips underneath his chin to encourage eye contact. “I don’t expect you to ever ‘get over’ Mr. Paige.”
Ren shivered, then shook his head. “Could you please call him Robert? I just… Knowing that you still view him as your old teacher kind of makes all this harder. Or weirder.”
“Okay,” I said, pulling him closer.
It was hard of me to think of Mr. Paige as ‘Robert,’ but that was his name, and this was his husband.
“I don’t think that a prerequisite for opening your heart again is ‘getting over’ the love of your life,” I reiterated. “I think everything just gets bigger and adjusts for it. You can and will love Robert as much as you always have.” This next bit was the scary part. “You don’t have to stop loving him to love me.”
“You wouldn’t mind being in a polyamorous relationship with a dead guy?” he asked, chuckling.
I laughed at his characterization, while trying not to overthink the fact that he didn’t blanch at the thought of loving me. “No, not at all—it certainly wouldn’t be my first poly situation.”
His mouth dropped open. “Are you saying I’m not your first widower?”
“No, I’m saying it’s not the first time I’ve gotten involved with a couple. Though, in those cases, all parties were alive.”
“Oh my God,” he said, his eyes lighting up. “Anyone I know?”
I grimaced, and he smacked my arm. “Tell me!”
Fine.
“Jules has a cousin about her size, and he’s married to a big bear of a guy. His husband and I may have had our way with his tiny ass a time or twelve.”
“Does she know?” he asked, his eyes as big as the moon.
I shook my head. “Absolutely not, and you willnevertell her.”
He mimed zipping his lips and pocketing the key. I giggled at his antics, but I hadn’t forgotten the seriousness of his initial question.
I ran my fingers through his hair. “If you and I are together, I know Robert will be as much a part of the relationship as we are.”
His happy expression fell, and he sucked in his lips as if trying to hold back tears. By silent assent, we started to breathe deeply, perfectly in time with one another. After a few moments, he nodded and kissed my cheek.
Something lingered, however, in his expression.
“What is this look, Ren?” I asked, rubbing a finger over his wrinkled brow.
“What about the fact that my son is older than you?”
“Oh, I don’t care about that. At all.”
As much as I meant it, I could tell that he wasn’t yet fully assured.
Looking him in the eye, I said, “I’m not ignoring the issue. I’ve considered it, and if we ever get to a point where we can be together openly, I would do everything in my power to make sure that Holden understands how much I respect and care for you.”
