I leaned into his touch. “I do, but not just on my health. I kind of want them to see where I am, too.”
“Like, physically where you are, or psychologically?”
Yes, said the part of me that was exhausted but hadn’t given up. “Both, I think.”
He waited, delicately running his fingertips over my face as I put together the words. I took a deep breath. This was important.
“You seem to really like the stripped-down versions of my songs. If I’m going to shift the way I write and sing, I don’t want to disappoint the fans who have been loyal to me all along.”
“Are you worried about them accepting a less screamy version of you?”
“Yeah, I am. But it’s not just about them not accepting me—I don’t want them to feel abandoned. I can’t figure out how to make it all work. I just know that I can’t keep killing myself like this anymore.”
He pulled me in close, nodding along as I spoke. His support grounded me in a way I’d never experienced before. How had I not seen that he was my person this entire time?
“I’m definitely on board with you taking better care of yourself,” he said, turning me so that I could lean back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, resting his elegant, capable hands on my inked belly. “If I’m following along, does this mean you want to put out a few of the acoustic versions on social media?” he asked, far more in tune with me than I’d realized.
“Yes. I wanna talk to my fans about my process for getting better and share what I’m going to do going forward. I think—hope—that kind of openness might help them accept the changes I have in mind.”
One of his hands drifted up to rest over my heart. “I like it.”
“I do feel guilty about those last seven shows, though,” I said. “People from all over the world bought tickets, then adjusted their plans when new dates were sent out. I don’t know how to make up for that.”
“What if you could do the dates on your own terms?”
“In what way?”
“I don’t know, though I will remind you that most of your songs don’t actually require literal screaming. So I’m wondering if you could remove the screaming or have the audience scream for you.”
“Like, point the mic at them and tell them to go for it?”
He kissed the top of my head. “Exactly like that. It’ll be primal scream therapy for a bunch of people who, based on the fact that they listen to you, could probably use it.”
I chuckled. I could see his suggestion working, though.
Sawyer continued. “If these acoustic versions do well—which, how could they not?—maybe switch out a few songs for the new versions in the live shows.”
“Do you think people will be happy with that, though? If they bought tickets to hear me scream, acoustic is going to be the opposite of what they wanted.”
“That’s why you’ll be up-front about it. In your update, explain what’s happening with your vocal cords and your health, and let them know what you can and cannot do. The people who love you will understand.”
“Do you think Mr. Paige would consider it a breach if I did the seven shows and then came right back?”
“I think Mr. Paige would want you to do what’s best for you. It was probably never reasonable to make you, the great Hendrix Cavanaugh, stay grounded for an entire year. I bet he’d find it acceptable for you to cobble together the equivalent of a year off the road within a reasonable time frame.”
“I’ll ask Ren what he thinks.”
“Another thing to consider is that several of those original venues are relatively small and close together. I wonder if we could combine some of the shows and hold them at a larger venue. Maybe reduce it from seven shows to three, and honor all the tickets?”
Every time he said “we” when talking about my remaining tour made my heart beat a little faster.
“The venues have already been paid, so they wouldn’t lose ticket sales,” I mused. “They would, however, lose out on concessions,so I’d like to see what we could do about that. And I don’t mind paying out of pocket for a larger venue, but only if the experience is going to work for the fans.”
“I’m sure we can make things right for the smaller venues and the fans, and none of those concerns take priority over your voice or your health.”
I loved watching that big, beautiful brain of his figure things out.
After a moment, he said, “I bet we can even find a way to reach out to the fans who had incurred significant travel expenses to come to one of those shows. Maybe offer to pay for their transportation or have them meet you backstage.”
