“He was kind of a dork that way.” Ren smiled as more tears fell. “I thought it was one of the more melodramatic ideas he had ever had. But.” Pulling up the sleeve of his shirt, he showed me a tiny white tattoo on his wrist.
+89° 15′ 51″
“Robert had the same tattoo. And in the end, he was right. I helped to tame some of his wilder ideas, and he reminded me that I didn’talwayshave to follow the rules. We were perfectly balanced,” he said, his voice breaking. “No wonder I feel so lost.”
I reached across the table and took his hand, realizing that Major was never going to be able to compete with Ren’s feelings for Mr. Paige. “You’ll find your path again. I know you will.”
“I hope so,” he said, shaking his head as if to clear it. “All I can tell you is that Robert saw something of us in you and Hendrix.”
I was swamped with emotion at the simple tenderness of his words, along with the pain of knowing that Hen and I would never have what they’d had. I took a sip of tea, trying to hold on to some scrap of calm.
Ren picked up the compass, running his thumb over the numbers. “Robert wanted to use the same code for all of our rentals. I had to convince him—with blowjobs, mind you—that it was a massive security risk.”
His laughter was as contagious as it was nostalgic, and I lost him to a memory for a few seconds.
Coming back, he set the compass on the table. “Robert insisted, however, that this had to be the code when Hendrix stayed there.”
I thought back to when Hendrix had originally visited the cabin. “If Hendrix had stayed at the beginning of the year, I wonder if any of this would have ever happened.”
“Maybe not,” Ren said, taking another sip of tea. “Robert understood there was a chance that you two would never get together, but he was convinced that it would happen eventually.”He waved a hand. “Having lived with the man for so many years, I should have remembered how well he read matters of the heart. When you insisted on moving in with Hendrix this time around, I had to smile. Now that I know you’ve made love to him… I don’t know much about an afterlife, but if there is one, mydear husbandis gloating. Big-time.”
I blew out a breath, knowing that the truth was less ideal than Mr. Paige had hoped.
Ren’s eyes were shrewd. “What’s that look?”
I took a sip of tea. Ren tapped the table, not letting me get away with the delay tactic. “I think Hendrix saw how much I felt for him.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
About as bad as you seeing how much Major loves you, I almost said. Instead I answered his question. “I don’t know.” I pulled at my hair, a complete emotional wreck. “Fact of the matter is, I never should’ve slept with him in the first place.”
Ren made apshsound. “Do you really believe that?”
Yes.No.
“I don’t know,” I admitted, losing the battle with the emotions rising behind my eyes. “Something came over me when I saw him after his collapse. I probably should’ve let him recover on his own, but I—fuck. I couldn’t. And then… spending time with him…”
“It felt inevitable, didn’t it?”
My silence answered more loudly than my voice ever could have.
“Besides,” Ren said, gesturing at me with his mug, “You and I both know it was a mistake to let that man try to recover alone the first time.”
Guilt about the decisions I’d made back then still seeped in around the edges. “I stayed away thinking it was for the best because I was trying to avoid exactly this scenario.”
“Which is funny, given how well he’s been doing with your help.”
I snorted. “You call it help; he calls it nagging.”
“Whatever he calls it, his recovery wouldn’t have worked without you,” he said, gripping my hand. “And, if you don’t mind me saying, I’m guessing Robert thought you needed him just as much. Or at least that youcouldneed him, if you let yourself.”
As hard as I clenched my jaw, I was unable to hold back a few tears. “I don’t know if hearing how Mr. Paige felt about us makes things better or worse.”
“My husband’s feelings on the matter aside, what this requires is a real conversation with Hendrix. Maybe be honest about your feelings and see what that gets you.”
Before I could respond, we were interrupted by a knock at the door. I dashed away my tears and drained the remainder of the tea.
“Dad?” Holden called out. “Hikaru said he was helping you in the garden today.”
