“What happened?”
“He said that, with all his one-night stands, no one had ever made love to him. That he didn’t know what that meant or felt like. We’d already been fucking for weeks, so he asked me if I would switch things up and make love to him.”
Ren sat back, observing me. “Interesting. I’m assuming you honored his request?”
“Of course. How was I supposed to turn down the chance to do the one thing I’ve wanted to dofor fucking years?” I winced when I realized how loud my voice had gotten. “Sorry. I just feel like I’ve been reduced to—fuck, what does Beckett call it?”
“Brain stem?” Ren chuckled.
Even in the midst of my emotional turmoil, I admired the way Beckett had become an integral part of the Paige family, especially the myriad ways he’d helped Ren and Holden to navigate their grief this last year. “Yes. Pure fucking brain stem, without an intelligent thought to be found.”
“How curious. Have you always believed that it would be foolish to follow your feelings?”
I glared at him. “There is nothing smart about falling for Hendrix Cavanaugh. And now everything’s at the surface, and I don’t think I can hide thesestupidemotionsanymore.”
Ren laughed softly, though I didn’t think he was making fun of me. “I know a little bit about inconvenient feelings. Robert asked me out after we hooked up, and I told him there was no way I could give him any more than a one-night stand. I was busy with my last semester of college, and I didn’t have time for a handsome bear to take over my life.”
“Looks like that turned out okay. Mostly,” I amended, thinking about the grief Ren must deal with on a daily basis.
The sadness returned to his eyes. “Yeah, mostly,” he said, his voice thin. “Speaking of inconvenient things, Robert left me a note in which he insisted that I grieve him for an appropriateamount of time—a time frame he had alotof opinions on—then date and fall in love again.”
“I’m guessing you’re not entirely on board with what he had in mind.” I rubbed my heart as I remembered the despondency I’d seen in Major’s eyes.
Ren absentmindedly discarded his tea bags. “How could I be? I’m still head over heels for him. I mean, physical stuff with a living human is good. Great, even,” he said, looking off into the distance. He straightened his shoulders. “But. I was made to love one man, and I don’t think I can love another.”
I understood his struggle and simultaneously felt awful for Major. This thing between them—or not, now that Ren had broken it off—wasn’t anyone’s fault.
Ren looked up at me, his eyes shiny. “You may be right, Sawyer. Stupid emotionsarestupid.”
“The worst,” I said, clinking mugs with him.
We sat and sipped in the quiet for a while, contemplating our respective broken hearts. Finally, Ren broke the silence. “So. You came here for clarity, and I’ve just told you that I’m as useless as you are. Still want my advice?”
I laughed, appreciating his good humor even as we bled out in his sunny kitchen. “Maybe not advice,” I said, flipping the compass to show the back. “But at least some clarification.”
Ren brightened. “Okay.”
“What the fuck is this code? It’severywhere. It works for the gate, the door, the Wi-Fi password—and it’sdriving me insane. I assume Mr. Paige wouldn’t have given this to me unless it meant something, but how the hell am I supposed to knowwhat?”
“Did you try Googling the engraving?”
I grimaced. “No…”
Ren gestured at my phone. “Go ahead. With the symbols.”
I’d noticed the symbols but never paid them any mind. I pulled up my phone and typed in the full line: +89° 15′ 51″.
The first thing that came up was a Wikipedia article for Polaris. That sounded familiar, like maybe it was a comet. Or constellation? Definitely something in the night sky. I hadn’t consumed enough caffeine to remember, so I clicked on the link.
“Polaris is the North Star,” I read from the screen.
“That it is,” Ren answered, seeming almost apologetic. “My husband was often quite sentimental, finding meaning in things that, frankly, used to annoy me.”
At the sound of a sniffle, I looked up to find him wiping away a tear. He raised his hands—What can you do?
After composing himself, he continued. “Robert said that a good couple was made of a pair of North Stars. He thought that, paired with the right person, you could look to each other and know how to stay true to yourself and your path.”
“That’s a beautiful sentiment.”
