“Ain’t life a son of a bitch,” I say, hugging him near.
“Can I get in on this?” Gael asks, padding softly into the living room. We all chuckle, and Javier moves to the end of the sofa, making space in the middle for Gael. He climbs in next to Ant and pulls him into a hug as Javier wraps the blankets around us again.
“Were we too loud?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “I haven’t been able to sleep. What are you talking about?”
“How you and I are a before and after of child trafficking,” Ant jokes, and I smack his shoulder. Ant grimaces and his eyes go to his lap. “Sorry.”
Gael chuckles, as though trying to make it better, but then his face crumples. “Sorry,” he says, holding up his hand. “I’m so emotio—”
He can’t quite get the words out, and Ant pulls him close. Gael buries his face in Ant’s neck, saying through broken tears, “I would have taken your place. I would have done anything to protect you from this.”
Javier and I look over the boys at each other with tears in our eyes.
“I would never let you take my place for that, but thank you. It’s good to know that this side of my family really loves me this much.”
“Even if I am the more handsome one?” Gael asks, sniffing loudly.
Ant playfully pushes him away, then brings him back in for a hard hug. “Whatever. You don’t have my cool haircut.”
“Thank God for that.”
We all lose it at that point, laughing and snot-crying, and soon we’re joined by the rest of the house. We rearrange on the couch so I’m next to Javier, Gael is in the middle, and Yaya takes up the other end, pulling Ant onto her lap. I’m surprised when he not only lets her but lays his head on her shoulder.
As much as he protests being treated like a kid, we all know that this level of familial affection and bonding is necessary on a cellular level.
Nacho sits on Bram’s lap in one of the overstuffed armchairs, and even Erik joins us, sorta. He’s hanging out near the entrance to the guest hallway, leaning his shoulder against the wall as he sends worried glances to Ant, who’s still vacillating between tears and laughter.
I make tea for everyone who wants it and catch Erik’s eye, gesturing with my chin over to the other armchair. He shrugs, but as far as attempts to appear unaffected go, it’s pretty weak. He quickly takes a seat and grabs his hot tea.
I snuggle into Javier’s side and enjoy his arm around my shoulders.
Gael grabs Ant’s hand. “Can I ask you a question? We don’t want to make you relive the bad things, but…”
Ant nods. “You can ask me anything, and unless it’s something I need to keep secret, I’ll tell you. Just know that you can’t unhear the answer, so be careful with what you ask.”
Chewing his bottom lip, Gael considers his words. Finally, he takes a deep breath and goes in.
“How did you survive? I don’t mean how did you not die. You’re a very different person than who you would’ve been, but there is still the spark of who you always were inside of you. How did that part survive?”
Tears immediately well up in my eyes. What a beautiful question.
Ant wipes a tear from his cheek. “I think seeing you today changes my answer. It’s like being around you reminds me of who I am. I mean…you’ve asked the question, and maybe you are the answer. It’s like you carried that part of me with you this whole time and now you’ve given it back to me.”
Yaya pulls both boys into her arms and hugs them while the emotions play out. Ant takes a few thoughtful, calming breaths, then continues, “Another thing that helped is realizing they didn’t wantme. They wanted a caricature. It was… Bram, you used the word avatar, right?”
Bram nods.
“One of my friends taught me to give them only the mask, only the candy-coated shell, but never me. So I made damn sure they never got anything real.”
“But we get the real you?”
“Yes. I may not tell you everything, but what you get from me will always be authentic. The people I love…I can’t pretend with them,” he says, looking between Bram and me before sharing a quick glance with Erik, whose brows meet in the middle.
“I have a question too. If you don’t mind,” Erik says softly.
“Okay.”
