Within seconds, I’m half-hard and bent over in fucking agony.
Goddammit.
“Ouch, ouch, ouch, gimme a second,” I say, ripping myself away from him.
He’s there in a millisecond, supporting me, handing me my cane. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. What’s happening? Is it your knee?”
I freeze, not wanting this to be the fucking moment I tell him, but I remember Jake’s words.I am more than my injuries. “My skin…it’s torture when I get hard.”
He inhales sharply. “Jesus Christ, DeShaun. I’m so sorry. Wait,” he pauses, looking confused. “You…you get hard? I thought it had been, uh…burned off? I didn’t realize…” he says, letting his words drift off as a smile dawns on his lips.
Understanding hits me like a shockwave, rerouting the blood from mydistinctly fucking presentboner to my head. I slowly unfold from my hunched-over position, a little dizzy and a lot stunned. “Hold up. You thoughtI didn’t have a dick?”
He opens his mouth, lifting his shoulders. “You’ve got full-thickness burns. You said it was a dead zone. I assumed the worse.”
I knew he would act like he didn’t care about the scarring, but… “You would have loved me without a dick?”
“I love you without qualifications,dumbass.”
His irritated scowl makes my heart flail in my chest. He pulls me in again, putting his forehead to mine like he’s trying to transmit a message directly into my skull.
“You don't know what you're saying,” I tell him, casting about for some purchase on the beliefs I hold so close to my chest. “And…I’m…I’m still your boss.”
He smirks at my pathetically conditioned response, raising his eyebrow. Too fucking sexy as he leans forward, his voice low in my ear. “Really? You’re actually going to try that with me? Hiding behind the fact that you’re my boss? You’ll hafta do better than that,DeShaun, because I’ll quit right now.” The silken way he whispers my name sends blood rushing back to my groin, emptying my head of all reason.
My knee starts talking to me and he’s throwing me off balance. I can’t ever seem to catch a breath around this man. “I’m not hiding behind it. Those designations mean something to me. Serving my country was the only thing I’ve ever been proud of, and I wasn't gonna mess it up. I couldn't lose that."
"Why does it mean so much to you?" he asks softly.
I don’t answer because I can’t put together thoughts right now, let alone words. He loves me.As I am?“So you seriously would’ve…even without…?”
“Yes.” His clear-eyed answer cuts through the emotions, and the anger and dramatics bleed out of the room. We quietly stare at one another. “Can you tell me why keeping me at arms’ distance was always so important to you?”
I take a deep breath and lean on my cane. "Do you mind if we sit?"
"Of course not."
I take the love seat and he pulls up a small ottoman, sitting in front of me.
Gazing into his eyes, I ask, “Do you remember when I told you about how I grew up?”
“Yeah. You had your grandmother, but when she died, you went into foster care.”
I take a few breaths and look up at the ceiling. “I was twelve when my grandma died. I stayed in twenty-six homes before I aged out at eighteen. Knowing that I didn’t have anything, I walked into the Navy recruiter’s office on my eighteenth birthday.”
Odd touches my arm, just…listening to me. I continue, “I don't want to get into it tonight because I don't have the coins for it, but just know that the state doesn’t always check to see if foster parents are racist or abusive before putting a bunch of black and brown kids in people’s homes. So when I got into the service, I expected more of the same. But I got lucky—my CO was serious as a heart attack about racism, sexism, and discrimination. Doesn't mean I never saw it, but nobody got away with jack shit. Anyway, he was the first person in my life who I felt cared about me since my grandma was alive.”
“Did y’all…?”
“No, and that’s my point. I started to develop feelings for him, but he drew a sharp line. And because of that, he was able to mentor me into somebody who was worth a damn. He saw that I had a head for analysis and helped with the testing and the recommendations I needed. I ended up in high-level intelligence, and I could have fucked that up so easily without him showing me the correct way.”
Odd sits quietly, letting me process my thoughts. Adjusting somewhat painfully, I continue, "And then I…I fucked up. Jake worked for me for years, and I sent him on a mission I shouldn’t have. I don't think I ever recovered from that.”
“Look, as someone who’s been on the receiving end of your intelligence, I know for a fact that you always calculated risk versus reward and did your best. You were always so protective of us. Shit sometimes still went wrong, but we were always confident you made the best call with the intel you had. And Jake doesn’t hold any grudges. You have to see that.”
I wave him off. “That doesn’t make me feel any better. Neither did having them put me out in the field. I thought it would be like some kind of military-grade atonement, throwing myself at bullets and IEDs, but I was still surprised when I got blown up,” I say, gesturing at my knee. “Rendering me useless in more ways than one. Lost my team and my career after all of that.”
Huh. Not sure that was the point I meant to make.
