My mom exhausts herself pretty quickly and slumps back into her chair. Within seconds, she's nodded off.
"I've never seen her do that before."
"Her moods are going to become more erratic because the part of the brain that controls mood is not intact anymore."
"Does that mean she's dying?"
"No, but it puts her at higher risk for injury, which puts her at higher risk for medical complications. We’re very careful with her and try our best to minimize the damage to herself or the staff. She usually does better when you or your dad come to visit but was probably agitated by having a new visitor today."
"I'm not new."
"Of course you're not. But today you feel new to her, and strangers make her feel vulnerable."
"Don't talk about me as though I'm not here," my mom says, looking me straight in the eye. "Thane, you know I hate that."
My heart leaps in my chest, but I force myself to calm down and act like it’s nothing. "I'm sorry, Mom. You're right. Roberta’s just trying to help me understand how I can help you."
"Just leave me here. You have a whole life to live, and I'm no use to you all anymore."
I take her tiny hand in mine, remembering how tall she used to seem to me as a kid. “Wow, Mom. So dramatic. Ever consider the fact that I need you? That being around you makesmehappy?"
"But I know that sometimes I don't remember you."
I raise a shoulder. "That sucks. But I still like who you are. And all that love you gave me growing up, I get to give back to you. I want to be here, Mom."
"How come I never see you and your father together?"
"I think you know the answer to that.”
She nods to herself, fidgeting with her fingers, embarrassed for the deficits in her memory.
"Are you seeing anyone? Don't tell me that you're still just catting around."
Honestly, I should be so used to that question by now. It's one she's asked ever since I hit twenty.
"Mom, I—”
“Well, aren't you a handsome boy. So big and strong. I keep asking them to move this TV, are you here to move it for me?"
The switch is a poisonous slash to my heart, but I swallow the hurt and try to hold on to the little nugget of her that made an appearance this afternoon.
"No, Mom. They decided against it. However, if there's something else we can do to make things a little easier for you, just let me know."
She shrugs and gestures me away. "Okay, fine. I want to be left alone."
Roberta gives me an understanding look, but at no point in this whole exchange has she ever once shown pity. I appreciate that.
I lean over and kiss my mom on the forehead. "I love you."
As I walk out, she whispers to Roberta in a fragile voice. "Who was that man? He was so handsome."
"That was your son, Dottie. He's very handsome and sweet."
"Well, that's nice."
Despite appearances, this was a successful visit, but it leaves a bittersweet ache in my chest. I make my way out, tipping an imaginary hat to Roberta, and sit in the parking lot for a long time, looking at the blue skies and reminding myself that my mom still loves me.
17
