Everett is the one to break the silence. “You know, with everything I’ve seen, I’ve realized how true it is that there are two sides to every story. Actually, there are more than two sides to every story. When I think of the missions I went on, it was helpful to think in terms of who’s good and who’s bad. But the more you learn, the more you realize how fuzzy a concept good versus evil really is. It’s actually pretty rare to be able to point out a bad person and say: Yes, that person is pure evil.”
You were just being protective of me, habibi.
I inhale and exhale slowly, letting more of the hurt seep out.
“When I first met Asadi, the scars on his face were barely healed and he was this kind, sweet, gregarious man who was self-conscious. It was one of the things that drew me to him. I wanted to show him his scars were beautiful, that he was beautiful. And the more I learned about how he got those scars, the more defensive of him I became. And the more I fell in love with him, the more I hated the men who’d hurt him. And until recently…that always included Roly.”
Turning my head to him, I ask, “Do you know I ran into him at a bar a few days ago?”
Had it really just been a few days? Wow.
For the first time this evening, we look at each other. He nods, which is a weird thing to do upside down. “I saw him in that selfie you sent.”
“Oh.”
After a little more silence, I confess, “I know about you two.”
He grimaces and colors. “Didn’t quite manage to cover it up, did I?”
I smile. “Nope.”
Everett’s hand lands on mine, taking it to hold in his. “People always made fun of him for being a slut, but it wasn’t about that. Sex is one of those things that can be both intimate and impersonal, and often a little of both. A one-night stand doesn’t have to be clinical, even if it’s not exactly someone you’d give the passwords to your bank account. That’s a scary gray area for people with our experience. Roly is someone who understood that gray area better than most, and even though it sounds strange, it was comforting.”
“Oh, you miss him.” Not sure if teasing is really the right note for this moment, but I’m hoping to get back on solid ground with this man I’m in love with.
God, I wonder how long I’ve loved him.
From the moment you first curled into his lap for comfort, habibi.
Everett rolls his eyes back at me and grunts as he pulls up, grabs the bar, and untangles himself enough to drop to the ground. He puts his arms out, raising his eyebrow. I reach out for him, letting gravity and his strong arms take me the rest of the way. Everett stands over me, fixing my hair and wiping the rest of the tears from my eyes, and I think I understand what it means to him.
Everett kisses my forehead and says, “Roly reminded me of something I’d lost, and even though he and I weren’t ever meant for more, I always appreciated, somewhere in that gray space, he helped me to remember what I’m capable of.”
He delicately hooks his fingers behind my jaw, drawing my face up so I can see his expression. There’s a sadness about him that hurts my heart.
“What was the thing you lost?” I ask, pretty sure I know the answer.
Instead of answering my question, he asks, “Why do you think I don’t want you to join the team?”
Oh, so we’re going there. “I know you think I’m just this unstable, grieving widow, a silly baby boy.”
He laughs, shaking his head, then wraps his strong arms around me. “Wow, that’s not it at all. First of all, yes, I see the grief and instability, and it just makes me want to be a strong person for you. But the reason why we’re friends is because I also see who you are. And this afternoon at the range, I saw you in your prime and it terrified me.”
I look up at him, confused. “Terrified you? Why?”
Everett swallows and put his hands in his pockets, giving me the saddest smile. “Daniels, baby boy.Daniels. He was our sniper.”
“Oh,” I say softly. The man he was in love with. Who shared my skill set.
He nods, pain lancing across his face. “We weren’t even together for that long, but sometimes…”
“… you can tell right away,” I say quietly.Or six months after you meet them.
He nods. “And I was pretty convinced I’d never let myself feel that kind of loss ever again.”
“Can you tell me about him? How you met?”
His fond smile hurts almost as much as it warms me. I know that smile: full of loss and pain and fucking fantastic memories.
