A flash of intuition burst on Dmitri. “I take it he really likes a story about a parrot-boy who meets a princess?”
That earned a chuckle, though Andre still sounded wistful. “I guess that’s not too hard to see now, is it? Yes, that’s his favorite story. I read it to him every chance I get. Which isn’t as often as I’d like.”
Pieces were starting to fall into place. Dmitri started walking again slowly, and Andre fell into step beside him. “So I take it that your reticence to talk about your personal life and why you think it’s a mess is tied up with your son?”
“My son and his mother, yeah.” Dmitri could almost hear Andre weighing his words. “I don’t want to bash anyone, and both of us made mistakes, which have brought us to this point. To be honest, Sibila and I are so different that we’re basicallystrangers who just happen to have made a kid together. But I love my son more than anything.”
“I can imagine you do. If he’s anything like you, he’d be very lovable.”
Andre laughed this time, though his voice hitched. “He can be a handful, too, but I’m grateful he’s happy and healthy. Sibila is a good mother. She and her husband do a great job with Miguel, which I appreciate.”
It wasn’t hard to hear the unspoken yearning in Andre’s voice. He had a feeling Andre didn’t even know it was there. “But you feel guilty because you aren’t around more, right?”
“That’s part of it,” Andre admitted. “Another part is that Sibila holds all the cards, and I know that I see Miguel on her sufferance because she has primary custody, and I only have visitation. And she has been trying to get me to give up my rights for two years now and to let her husband adopt Miguel. I think she believes they can be a tight little family if I’m out of the way and can pretend that her husband is Miguel’s father.”
Dmitri had thoughts on that, but he kept them to himself. He sensed that Andre needed to get this out. He’d probably not told anyone else, and sometimes just the act of verbalizing could be helpful. “And you don’t want to?”
“No!” The word was almost ripped from Andre, and he stopped, looking around as he realized that he’d practically shouted the word. “No, I don’t,” he continued, his voice more normal. “I love my son, and he loves me. I’d have him in my life all the time if I could. I’d never try to take him away from his mother, but I’d be happy if I could share custody.”
“I’m sure you would.” Dmitri had no doubt Andre adored his child. “I guess I just don’t understand the reason for all the secrecy.”
“Sibila doesn’t want to have a spotlight on her and Miguel. I get that, I do, after seeing the way celebrity kids are houndedand tempted and trash-talked. I guess at first I figured she was just being over cautious, you know? The F-Holes were barely a local club-level band at that point, but I gave in because it was one of her conditions for letting me see him. I think she was worried less about the media back then than about being judged by others. She was a single Catholic mother who wasn’t even with her child’s father at that point, and she carries a bunch of baggage of her own because her family tossed her out for getting pregnant. Maybe she would have felt different if we’d been married, but the truth is, I never loved her, and she never loved me. It wouldn’t have worked.”
Dmitri couldn’t help but ache at the pain in Andre’s voice, and he had the feeling Andre carried a lot of guilt, as much as his child’s mother did. “Does she even know you’re bi?”
“No, and that’s another point,” Andre admitted. “I kept quiet about it because at first it didn’t really matter, and then afterward, I was afraid that if she found out, she’d use it to keep me from seeing Miguel. You never know when a judge is going to hold queerness against a parent, and I can’t take the chance of it happening. Right now, I have visitation every other weekend plus two weeks in the summer, but if she’d known that I was more attracted to men, she might have tried to get that denied. As it is, she’s been threatening me about the tours, saying that she could use it against me if she wanted to be mean, making it leverage to get me to give up my rights.” His voice hardened. “It won’t work, and I’m hoping she’ll see that without me threatening her. I don’t want things to get ugly, but I have the resources to fight her if I have to, now that the F-Holes are on the rise. I’m just hoping she’ll give up the idea on her own. The two of us being driven to hate one another isn’t good for Miguel. He loves us both, and he wouldn’t understand.”
A clear picture of the circumstances was forming in Dmitri’s mind, and he could see exactly why Andre hadn’t wanted torisk a relationship. The truth was that being in the public eye made it hard to hide anything. Even if the band kept a potential relationship a secret, there were still roadies, the media, and even fans who might notice something and start speculation that could reveal the truth. So Andre had apparently avoided any relationship at all just to keep from providing his ex with ammunition that would lose him access to his son.
Which meant there was no way, at least at this point, for Andre and Dmitri to be together without risking something far too precious to lose. And as much as Dmitri wanted Andre, he wasn’t about to put him in a position of endangering his relationship with his son. He’d hate himself forever for being the cause of something so horrible.
Dmitri ached, not just for Andre’s situation, but for his own as well. He’d be a liar if he said he didn’t resent Andre’s ex and her selfish, manipulative tactics. And Andre was right to be worried; in the current political climate, the way a judge might rule would be a crapshoot, and the games lawyers played with twisting the truth in order to win could be brutal. Even in a place like San Diego, there was no telling what would happen, which meant that at least for now, Andre’s hands were tied.
And so were Dmitri’s.
“You’re right, he wouldn’t understand,” Dmitri said finally. “Children operate on emotion, not logic. It’s easier not to upset things if you’ve reached a workable truce with his mother. Instability can be devastating for a child, and anger toward a parent can make them feel guilty for being the cause or even make them doubt their parent loves them.”
“Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” Andre asked. His tone was low and full of pain. “Sometimes I think I am, but other times….”
“The right thing by staying in the closet and denying yourself a fulfilling relationship?” Dmitri felt the slim hope he’d heldonto during the long ride back shrivel and die. He knew he could tell Andre that he wasn’t being fair to himself, especially since his ex apparently had no qualms about moving on. Maybe it was self-serving, but a part of him wanted to encourage Andre to stand up for himself and not let anyone, not even the mother of his child, threaten him with taking away his rights. He would be willing to fight by Andre’s side, to help in any way he could — but he also knew that if he encouraged Andre to come out and let the chips fall where they may, any consequences would be on his head as well as Andre’s. The thought of Andre losing his son and of being at least partially responsible himself wasn’t something he wanted to deal with. The guilt alone would crush him and would no doubt spell the end of any relationship between them.
He stood at a crossroads, there in the dark and humid night that, such a short time ago, had seemed almost magical and full of promise. But that had been a dream, a fantasy of love that Dmitri had woven in his mind. This was Andre’s reality, and Dmitri wasn’t about to be the reason he lost his son. Maybe someday there would be a chance for them, but not today. Not while Andre stood to lose the thing that mattered most to him. And if it happened, it would spell the end of anything between them anyway. Better not to take the risk, right? The odds most assuredly weren’t in their favor, and he knew for a fact that love didn’t conquer all.
He didn’t want to say the words he knew he had to speak, but he forced himself to do it. “You love your son, and I can tell you’d do anything to keep him,” he said quietly. “You have to do what you have to do. I understand. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me, and I’ll tell the others it wasn’t what they thought.”
“Dmitri….” Andre held up a hand, reaching out. “If?—”
“No ifs,” Dmitri said almost harshly, stepping back and away, his heart breaking as he did so. “I’m your friend, Andre. I always have been, and I always will be. The kiss… it was a mistake.” Thelie burned on Dmitri’s tongue even as he spoke it. “We’ll forget it ever happened. No harm, no foul. We’re not meant to be, right? That’s the safest thing for you and your son.”
With that, Dmitri turned away and started walking back toward the bus. He thought he heard Andre call after him, but he ignored it, having taken — and given — all that he could. He could feel his eyes burning, and his throat growing painfully tight as he walked, but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t. All he wanted to do was get back to the bus and hole up in his bunk and wish the world away for a while.
He’d told Andre that his training in psychology had helped keep him from spiraling in the past, and it had. But that had been against normal horrors like doubting his talent and career choices, discovering his sexuality, and dealing with the pressure and expectations of his family. He wasn’t certain it would be the same this time, since he’d never had to turn them toward something as overwhelming as a shattered heart.
CHAPTER 8
Andre wasn’t certain what Dmitri had said to the rest of the band, but if the sympathetic looks were any indication, he’d taken whatever “blame” there was to be had upon himself as to why no relationship was materializing between them.
After Dmitri had walked away the previous night, Andre had wandered around for a while trying to figure out what to do about, well, everything. His feelings were a complete mess, a blending of despair, regret, pain, and guilt. While on one level, when it came to Miguel, he was grateful Dmitri had understood his position; he felt as though he should have found a way to make it work instead of just accepting, as Dmitri had pointed out, that it was probably for the best that they went back to being friends and didn’t pursue anything further. It had worked for four years, after all, and they could just chalk the kiss up to being a momentary lapse of reason. As Dmitri said, no harm, no foul. It was just a kiss.
