Sighing, knowing what he had to do, Andre made his choice.
“Let’s get back to the bus, okay? Then I have some things to tell you.”
He didn’t know what would happen after everything was out in the open, but he knew that if he didn’t explain things now, he stood to lose just as much as he’d feared he would for years if he broke his long silence and finally let Dmitri in.
CHAPTER 7
The ride back to the bus in Jacksonville seemed interminable, but Dmitri wasn’t sure if he wanted the driver to go faster or slower. The uncertainty of not knowing what Andre was going to say and whether it would be good or bad made his stomach churn with anxiety. Not knowing what to expect had him far more unsettled than he normally was, and he didn’t care for the feeling one bit. The fact that there wasn’t any way to help just added to his mounting discomfiture.
Everyone was quiet during the entire ride, and Dmitri hoped they were asleep, rather than feeling bad for their untimely interruption of that incredible kiss. A part of him had wanted to yell at them and let out his frustration with their breaking of that perfect moment, but he’d managed to restrain the urge. It wouldn’t do much for band unity if he had given in and shouted his anger at them. But things in the van felt brittle, and he knew the others well enough to realize how guilty they would feel for what had, no doubt, to them, simply been lighthearted teasing.
Beside him, Andre was quiet, but he wasn’t sleeping — a fact Dmitri confirmed with the occasional sidelong glance. He sat with his arms crossed, apparently lost in thought, althoughin the shadows, Dmitri couldn’t tell if they were good thoughts or bad ones. Only the fact that Andre had kept his seat next to Dmitri for the ride back gave him any hope that things weren’t completely fucked.
No doubt Andre was having second and probably even third thoughts about that kiss, but Dmitri wasn’t. He’d always known that he wanted Andre, and the earth-shattering kiss had only confirmed the way he’d always imagined it would be between them. He wasn’t sure he could pretend it had never happened and just go back to being a supportive friend and bandmate even if Andre asked him to.
That was a sobering thought. If Andre didn’t want a relationship, could Dmitri control his disappointment and longing, or would he need to leave the band to regain some measure of peace?
The idea tormented him for the entire ride back to their bus.
It was very late, and the parking lot of the concert venue where they’d parked was dark and quiet. The bus the crew occupied, as well as the equipment trailer, were parked nearby, all of them plugged into shore power rather than running on generators.
“‘Night, everyone,” Kris said as she picked a sleeping Jo up from her seat and carried her toward the band bus. Kit and Luka murmured their own goodnights as they got out and quickly boarded in Kris’s wake. Dmitri unfastened his seatbelt and left the van. Andre lingered for a moment or two before following him out.
The van drove away, and Dmitri and Andre were finally alone, facing each other in the darkness, apparently neither of them knowing how to begin.
At last, Dmitri couldn’t stand the silence that stretched out between them. He shook his head. “Look, if you don’t want to dothis tonight, Dre, we can just head in and talk later. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable with me, okay?”
“No!” The word seemed torn from Andre, and he reached out an apologetic hand toward Dmitri. “I mean, thanks, but I need to get this out or I never will. Secrets become a habit, you know?”
Dmitri nodded. “Yeah, I understand.”
Andre seemed to hesitate, but then he finally released a heavy sigh. “Can we walk? I think it’ll be easier for me.”
“Sure, Dre. Anything that helps.”
He walked by Andre’s side as they wandered aimlessly around the big, empty lot. It took a couple of minutes, but finally, Andre began to speak.
“My life is kind of a mess,” he admitted quietly. “It’s hard to know where to begin. But I do want you to know. I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, but I guess I was afraid. Not just of consequences, but of what you’d think of me.”
“I couldn’t think badly of you.” Dmitri sensed that Andre needed reassurance. No doubt things weren’t nearly as bad in reality as Andre had built them up in his head. Not only could secrets become habit, as Andre had said, but they could also grow and grow in the mind until they assumed gargantuan proportions, seeming far more dire than they actually were. “Whatever it is that’s bugging you, Iknowyou, Andre. You’re a good person.”
“Am I?”
Andre stopped, looking at Dmitri, though it was too dark for Dmitri to see his expression.
“Yeah, you are.” Dmitri shrugged. “I have no doubt that you’re like the rest of us. You feel guilty about some things, many of which are probably out of your control, yet they prey on your insecurities. Like everyone who isn’t a self-absorbed narcissist, you probably blame yourself for things you consider weaknesses or shortcomings. I do it, too. I just have the training to sortof help myself get off the mental hamster wheel when it starts getting bad.”
“Physician, heal thyself?” Andre asked, and this time Dmitri caught the rueful smile he gave.
“Something like that.” Dmitri waved a hand. “But this is about you, not me, right? Just know that we all have issues, even me, so I am not about to hold yours against you.”
“Right.” He heard rather than saw Andre draw in a deep breath. “I have a son.”
Of all the things Dmitri had expected Andre to say, the words he spoke weren’t anything Dmitri would have ever imagined. He wasn’t upset, but hewascurious.
“Really? I never even suspected. That’s a heck of a secret.” Dmitri kept his tone light. “But I can see you as a dad, now that I think about it. Is he why you’re always headed back to San Diego?”
“Yeah. His name is Miguel, and he’s almost five now.” Andre’s voice took on a tone of regret. “I miss him.”
