6
After he left Joe’s house, Finn wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He didn’t want to go home because his mind was too turbulent at the moment for him to be alone with it. A good workout might help, but he didn’t want to use the gym at headquarters because the chance that he might run into someone who’d ask why he wasn’t with Joe was too high. At the same time, he didn’t want to be alone, but the idea of hanging out in a public space, like a coffee shop or all-night diner, wasn’t appealing because he felt too restless to sit still.
That left him with one viable option, which was how he ended up at Drew’s apartment building, asking to be buzzed in.
“Hello?” Drew’s deep voice held a note of curiosity, and Finn knew there were no cameras, only the call boxes, so Drew didn’t know who was buzzing. “Are you sure you have the right apartment?”
“Pretty sure,” Finn said, a wave of relief sweeping over him at the sound of Drew’s voice. The way his luck was running tonight, he wouldn’t have been surprised if Drew wasn’t home. “It’s Finn. Can I come up?”
The door buzzer sounded. “Of course.”
When Finn stepped off the elevator at Drew’s floor a few minutes later, he spotted Drew standing just outside his apartment door, appearing concerned, and he had a sudden, overwhelming urge to run over and throw himself at Drew. He made himself keep to his normal pace, however, and he mustered a smile when he reached Drew.
“Thanks for letting me in,” he said.
“You’re always welcome,” Drew replied. He took Finn’s arm and urged him into the apartment. Once he’d closed and locked the door, he put his arms around Finn and held him. “Something’s wrong, isn’t it? Did something happen to Joe?”
“Not during the mission.” Finn slid his arms around Drew’s waist and leaned against him, drawing comfort from Drew’s warm, solid presence. “He made it home safe and sound. I waited for him at his house, and we were having a nice reunion until I told him about you.” He hesitated. “About us.”
Drew went still for a moment, and then he drew back so that he could look down into Finn’s face. “If I may ask, what did you tell him? Whatever it was, I assume he wasn’t happy.”
“No, he wasn’t happy.” All the butterflies roiling in Finn’s stomach sank to the bottom to form a heavy lump that made him nauseated. “I told him the truth. That I thought we’d have a fun little fling, and that would be the end of it, but we have stronger chemistry than I expected. I asked if he’d be okay with me seeing you.”
Drew sighed. “Come on, let’s go into the living room, and I’ll get you a drink. I think you need it. Hell, I think I need one, too.”
Drew led Finn to his comfortable sofa, then went to his sideboard to pour them both glasses of bourbon. He even brought the bottle over and put it on the table in front of them before handing Finn one of the glasses and sitting down beside him. “I’m not going to push, because your relationship with Joe is something special, I know. Most of it is none of my business, but I’m here to listen, and to help, if I can. Okay?”
Finn accepted the glass and took a sip, hoping it would help calm him somewhat. “I don’t even know what to say. I feel like we just broke up, even though he didn’t say that in so many words.”
Drew put an arm around Finn and rubbed his shoulder. “So what did he say? That he didn’t want you to see me? Or that he didn’t want to seeyouanymore? Somehow, this doesn’t sound like the reaction of someone who’s just a ‘friends with benefits,’ Finn.”
Scrubbing his face with his free hand, Finn tried to figure out how to explain the conversation. “He said he wants me to be happy. That he needs time to process. He asked how I’d feel if he brought back a stranger and said he wanted to see both of us.”
Drew was quiet for several long moments. “I wasn’t there, and I don’t know him, so I’m not sure what that means. It sounds like a reasonable reaction. You’re asking him for a big change to your relationship, one that he wasn’t expecting, and one that means he’s not the only person who gets to spend time with you. Maybe it’s not as bad as you think. Maybe he does just need time to process. Unless….”
“Unless what?” Finn sat up straight, alarm zinging through him.
Drew shrugged. “Look, I’ve never met the man, so I could be off base. But everything you’ve said about your relationship—the way he treats you and the fact that he doesn’t see other people—has made me think his feelings for you are a lot deeper than just friendship. To me, it sounds like he’s in love with you. If that’s the case, he’s probably feeling like his whole world just crashed down around him. I’ve had friends with benefits before, and we all joke and tease each other about our various flings, but no one actually gets upset if their buddy wants to fuck someone else on a regular basis.”
Finn stared at Drew, stunned into silence. He wanted to deny the possibility that Joe loved him, because that would mean he hadn’t managed to protect Joe at all, but Joe being in love with him would help that whole conversation make a hell of a lot more sense.
“He’s never said anything about love,” he said, although he wasn’t sure whether he was trying to convince Drew or himself that Joe couldn’t possibly be in love with him.
“Right. Have you?” Drew asked gently. “To him, that is.Iknow how you feel about him.”
“No, I didn’t tell him.” Finn stared into the depths of his bourbon, feeling even more confused now than when he’d left Joe’s place. “I thought I could keep him safe from being disappointed because I can’t be the kind of white-picket-fence guy he wants.”
“Oh, Finn.” Drew sighed, leaning close to brush a kiss to Finn’s cheek. “You’re a good man, but whether you ever told him you were in love with him or not, it wouldn’t change how he feels about you. Even if he wants that white picket fence, it sounds like he wantsyoumore. Otherwise he would be seeing other people, trying to find the person who could give him that dream. But he hasn’t, right? You told me he only sleeps with you. That says a lot about what he feels. I don’t know him, but Ihaveseen pictures. A guy that hot could be fucking half the gay men in this city if he wanted. Hell, I’d do him myself, given the chance.”
“So what do I do now?” Finn knocked back his drink and set the empty glass on the coffee table. “Go back there and tell him how I feel? I’m not sure how much of a difference it would make. He didn’t like the idea of me seeing you very much.”
“That, I don’t know.” Drew gave Finn’s shoulders a squeeze. “I wish I had a crystal ball so I could give you the answers. You and me, Finn, we’re a lot alike. We grab life and live it, but we need an anchor. For the last twenty years, Lawson & Greer has been my anchor. The company and my cadre were to me a lot of what Joe is to you. You told me Joe was your rock, and I get the feeling you’re not going to be happy without him, right?” He was silent for a moment. “I almost feel like I should bow out and settle the question for you. But if I’m totally honest, I don’t want to do that. You matter to me more than anyone I’ve met in a long time. I want to see where this goes between us—and I’m not saying you can’t see other people, especially Joe. I want whatever part of you that you can give me.”
Finn leaned against Drew and rested his hand on Drew’s thigh. “I don’t want you to bow out,” he said, feeling icy tendrils coil around his heart at the mere thought. “I wish there was a way I could be with both of you without hurting either of you.” He drew back and offered a wry smile. “Wishful thinking, I know.”
“Not when it comes to me, at least.” Drew smiled. “I don’t know if there’s a way to convince Joe I’m not trying to take you away from him, but I can try. To him I’m the big bad monster stealing away the man he loves.”
Finn thought about the way Joe had withdrawn and how he’d spoken about Drew. “Probably,” he said, inclining his head to acknowledge the point. “Okay, so if we’re a lot alike, what would you do if you were me?” he asked, hoping for any kind of guidance he could latch onto. He was so far out of his depth, and he had no idea how to proceed.
