Hunter knew he was thinner and paler than when she’d last seen him, and he smiled crookedly. “Yeah, well, you know what a terrible cook I am,” he said. He lifted his hand to brush her dark hair back from her face. She was only twenty-eight, and she had lost weight too, and there were shadows under her eyes. “I know it’s been rougher on you.”
Jake tugged at Hunter’s chin, and Hunter turned to face him. “Unca Hunter, Mama says Daddy is in heaven,” Jake said with a frown. “Can you go get him and bring him home?”
Hunter felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “Oh, Jake. I wish I could, buddy,” he said, his voice rough. “I’d bring him home to you and your mama. But I can’t. No one can.Q11aZ” Words failed him, and Hunter looked around for Payne, feeling a rising sense of panic.
Payne was beside him almost instantly, and he patted Hunter’s back gently even as he focused his attention on Jake. “Hey, buddy, I think your mom and Uncle Hunter want to have a grown-up talk. Want to watch some cartoons with me?”
“Mickey Mouse?” Jake asked hopefully.
“Definitely,” Payne said. “I like Mickey Mouse too.”
Jake smiled shyly, then held out his arms to Payne. Apparently liking Mickey Mouse was enough to put Payne high up on Jake’s list of favorite people, and Hunter passed Jake over. The boy’s question had almost been enough to break Hunter, and he gave Payne a look of gratitude for the distraction.
Payne nodded an acknowledgment as he settled Jake securely in his arms. “Take as long as you need. We’ll be in the den with the Disney channel.”
“Thanks.” Jen caressed Jake’s back and then gave Payne’s arm a little pat as he walked by her into the house. Once they were out of earshot, she took a seat in one of the deck chairs and beckoned to Hunter. “So how are you? And if you say fine, I’ll punch you in the balls.”
Hunter winced, because he knew she meant it. Jen was no shrinking violet; no woman who took on a merc, especially one who worked with explosives, could afford to be delicate. In fact, her strength was the thing Hunter had always admired most about her.
He moved to take the seat next to her, knowing he couldn’t dissemble. “I’m surviving,” he said, then glanced toward the house. “Payne is helping me deal with… things. But I’m more concerned about you. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Yes, you can visit me and Jake once in a while,” she said bluntly. “Mark wasn’t the only one who loved you. You’re Jake’s uncle just as much as if you were related by blood, and you’re like a big brother to me too. We could be helping each other through this.”
Hunter winced. “I’m sorry,” he said, then scrubbed his face with his hands. “I couldn’t before. I wasn’t ready to face you. I was afraid.”
“Afraid of what?” Jen asked softly, leaning toward him.
“That you’d blame me.” Hunter looked at her, forcing himself to face her judgment, whatever it might be. “I blamed myself, so I was sure you’d blame me, too, and I knew if you did, it would destroy what was left of me.”
Jen’s features softened with sympathy, and she shook her head. “I don’t blame you. Why would I? You weren’t the one who strapped C4 to a little boy. You and Mark saved his life.” Her lips twisted in a wry smile. “If I’m mad at anyone, it’s Mark for being such a fucking hero. But that’s who he was. Right now, I love him and I hate him for it.”
Hearing Jen sum up his own feelings was a shock, and Hunter drew in a sharp breath. “That’s how I feel, too,” he admitted. He swallowed against the lump in his throat. “He saved my life, Jen. But sometimes I do hate him for it, because it left us to go on without him. It’s hard to go on, when I feel like I should have saved him instead.”
“It’s easy to say that with the benefit of hindsight, but what could you have done in the moment?” Jen spread her hands and shrugged. “I’m sure it all went down in a blink. I know you, Hunter. I know you reacted as quickly and strategically as you could under the circumstances. You weren’t standing there with your thumb up your ass. But Mark reacted and made decisions too. He chose to trade his life for a little boy’s, and as pissed off as I am with him, I can’t fault him for it either.” She gave a shaky laugh. “It’s made my therapy sessions interesting.”
“Yeah, I bet.” Hunter ached for her pain, knowing hers was so much deeper than his in many ways — deeper, but different because she didn’t have the weight of guilt Hunter had been carrying around. “I thought you might hate me because he saved me. Because he did it without thinking of you and Jake. I hated myself for that, and I hated him for it, too. I felt guilty for being alive. Sometimes I still do.”
“It’s easy for me to say you shouldn’t feel guilty,” Jen said. “But it’s something you’re going to have to work through on your own. What Icansay is I don’t hate you. I still want you in my life. Maybe it’s selfish, because you’re a connection to Mark, but I don’t want you to keep avoiding us. Jake still needs his Uncle Hunter too.”
Hunter clasped Jen’s hand in both of his. “Thank you,” he said. His eyes were stinging again, but he felt as though a weight he’d been carrying for months had been lifted from his chest. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you and Jake, but I will be from now on, I promise. Are you still going to therapy? L&G had better be paying for anything you or Jake need, or I’ll raise holy hell with them.”
“I’m still in therapy,” Jen said. “Jake has been seeing a child psychiatrist too. I know he’s young, but I want him to come out of this with as little damage as possible. Don’t worry, I’m being well taken care of.”
“Good. I’m glad you’re going, both of you. And I’m glad it’s helping,” Hunter said. “I want you both to be able to be happy again.”
“I want you to be happy again too,” Jen said, squeezing his fingers hard. “Are you going to therapy?”
Strangely enough, Hunter hadn’t been prepared for her to ask, and he felt himself blushing with embarrassment. “I… well. Conventional therapy doesn’t work for me,” he said. “But I finally found something that’s helped.”
“Good, I’m glad you found something that works,” Jen said, seeming satisfied. “I was worried you’d been avoiding getting any help.”
Hunter felt compelled to be honest. Maybe he felt bad for having neglected her and Jake, but he wanted her to understand. “I did avoid it for months,” he admitted. “I was in denial and fixated on getting back to the field. I was able to fool the psychologists into thinking I was okay, but Matthew Greer knew better. Cade Thornton put me with Payne, and he… he understands me. He wouldn’t let me lie to him or to myself.”
“Good,” Jen said with a fierce scowl at him. “That’s what you need. He seems nice from what little I’ve seen so far. So he’s a Hercules Security guy, not a merc?”
“He was an Army medic, and then he joined Hercules Security.” Hunter smiled slightly, remembering his doubts about Payne being a “real” merc. “Payne is a law unto himself. He may never have been in the field as a merc, but he’s definitely one in spirit.”
Jen studied him speculatively, her eyebrows climbing. “Am I sensing a vibe here?”
