12
The bedroom door was ajar, and Payne nudged it open wider with his foot and peeked in to see if Hunter was awake. Hunter had spent most of the two days since their therapy session asleep, and Payne hadn’t tried to coax him out of bed. Hunter had a lot to process, and so Payne had let him rest, brought him meals and books, and snuggled with him when asked.
Hunter was awake, propped up against the pillows with a book in his hands, and Payne approached the bed carrying a tray which had a bowl of homemade tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich so warm the butter still bubbled on the sourdough bread, and the cheddar cheese gleamed as it melted over the crust.
“Lunch is served,” he said, settling the bed tray over Hunter’s lap.
Hunter smiled slightly and set the book aside. “Thanks. You’re spoiling me, you know. I could have come down to the table.”
“I like spoiling you,” Payne said, smoothing Hunter’s hair back from his face. “Besides, I figured you’ll come downstairs when you’re ready. There’s no rush.”
Hunter closed his eyes and leaned into the caress. While Hunter had been subdued since their session, he seemed to want to touch Payne or have Payne touch him more than he had before. “I appreciate it. I don’t know why I feel so tired.”
“Because you went through an emotionally draining process.” Payne climbed onto the bed and stretched out beside Hunter, nestling against his side. “You faced a lot of shit that you’ve been suppressing. It was very brave, but it was also understandably exhausting.”
“I guess.” Hunter picked up the sandwich and took a bite, then held it to Payne’s lips. “Share.”
Payne took a bite and then guided the sandwich back to Hunter. “You need this more than I do. How does your ass feel? Do you need any pain relievers?”
“I’m okay.” Hunter hadn’t said much about the session up until now, answering Payne’s questions only briefly, obviously not ready to talk about it. He put the sandwich back down on the plate. “Just not hungry.”
“Try some of the soup for me.” Payne sat up and smacked Hunter’s shoulder. “And if it hurts, tell me. Don’t try to be macho about it. You took some hard licks, and I don’t want you to neglect caring for your poor bruised ass. I also don’t want you using the pain as penance,” he added sternly.
Hunter picked up the spoon and dipped it in the soup, but he only stared into the bowl as he moved the spoon around. “Why not? You thought I deserved the blows at the time, right? I thought so too, or I would have said I was red and made it stop. Why is the pain unacceptable now when it was acceptable then?”
“No, I didn’t think you deserved the blows,” Payne said, smoothing his hand along the back of Hunter’s head. Pushing Hunter so hard had been one of the most difficult things he’d ever done, and he’d found it far more difficult to hurt Hunter than he expected, even though he knew it was for Hunter’s own good. “I thought they were necessary to motivate you. I didn’t enjoy inflicting that much pain on you, and I don’t like the thought of you being in pain now.”
Hunter released the spoon. “What if I need it, though? To help me… focus. To help remind me. I remember when I was a kid and my father spanked me, he said part of the point of the punishment was not relieving the pain, so I’d remember not to do it again. Maybe I should still feel this so I don’t forget.”
“If that’s what you want.” Payne rubbed his cheek against Hunter’s bare shoulder. “But I still want to check it regularly to make sure it’s healing well.”
“Okay.” Hunter picked up the spoon again and ate a mouthful of soup. He swallowed before speaking again. “It helped, I think. I didn’t want to admit some of those things, not even to myself. I didn’t want to be angry at Mark. But I was. I guess a part of me still is.”
“Anger is part of the grieving process,” Payne said. “It’s not healthy to suppress it. You have to deal with it if you want to heal. There’s nothing wrong with being angry with Mark.”
Hunter shrugged, his expression pained. “But it seems wrong. He saved my life. How ungrateful is it to be angry with him? Even…” He stopped, then bit his lip. “I even hated him. For saving me. Fordyingand leaving me behind. It’s not like he wanted to die or planned it. I’m not even sure it crossed his mind that hecoulddie. He just… acted. But there have been moments where I’ve hated him for doing it. And hated myself for not doing it first.”
“Of course you did.” Payne slid his arms around Hunter’s waist and rested his cheek on Hunter’s shoulder, wishing he could take away all the pain, guilt, and turmoil Hunter was wrestling with. “You love him, and you would have given your life for him. If you’d died and Mark had lived, he’d probably feel the same way about you. It’s normal.”
Hunter tilted his head to one side, resting his cheek against Payne’s hair. “I guess. But he left people behind who needed him. I wouldn’t have. It seems so much worse to lose him.”
Payne’s heart wrenched at Hunter’s words, and he squeezed Hunter tightly. “What about your parents? Your friends? Or Stack? He would have lost his brother. Jake would have lost his uncle. And what about me? If you’d died, we never would have met, and I do need you.”
“They would have been sad, sure.” Hunter pressed a kiss against Payne’s hair. “You wouldn’t have missed me because you wouldn’t have known me, right? I’m sure you would have lured in some other brawny merc with those big blue eyes.”
Tears stung Payne’s eyes at the thought of missing his chance to know Hunter, and he clung to Hunter. He felt a little foolish for getting so emotional over a hypothetical situation, but part of it was the ache he felt for the implied lack of self-worth Hunter’s words revealed.
“I don’t want another merc. I want you,” he said. “You may not want to admit it, but your death would leave a hole in the world too. There are people who love you and whose lives would be emptier if you weren’t here. Just because Stack had a wife and child doesn’t make his life more valuable than yours.”
“It does to me,” Hunter said quietly. He moved the tray off his lap, setting it aside so he could wrap his arms around Payne and hold him close. “I’m glad you want me. God knows why you do, but I’m grateful. You may have saved me from myself. It still hurts, and I know now that going back into the field would be tantamount to suicide. I… I don’t know what to do with myself. For the first time in my life, I’m not who I thought I was.”
“You’re not the same as you were before Stack died,” Payne said, still holding on tight as much for his own comfort and reassurance as for Hunter. “You couldn’t be after experiencing such a trauma. But different doesn’t mean worse. The good thing is, you don’t have to rush to figure out who you are and what you want to do. You can afford to take your time.”
“I suppose.” Hunter rubbed his cheek against the top of Payne’s head. “You probably saved my life too, you know. If you hadn’t taken me in hand, I think I would have left L&G and gone back into the field with any outfit that would take me. And I’d probably have frozen and gotten my sorry ass blown up. So… thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” Payne said softly, giving Hunter a little squeeze. “I’m glad your sorry ass was here to be spanked instead.”
Hunter gave a little snort, the closest thing to a chuckle he’d made since Jen’s phone call. “I guess I’ll be glad about it too someday. I mean, glad without second thoughts or regrets.” He was quiet for several moments. “Do you think I should see Jen and Jake? What if I freak out or freeze up? I don’t want to cause Jen more problems than she’s already got.”
