It felt good to talk about it. “Being a mother increases the pressure. If I get it wrong, it affects Delphi, too. I’m not just responsible for the inn,and for myself, I’m responsible for a child. And sometimes that feels huge.”
Anna’s smile was wistful. “It certainly does.”
“It isn’t only the practical stuff, like worrying if I’ll make such bad decisions I go out of business. It’s the emotional side of things. The way I handle myself. Children see everything. And they copy. They see the way you react to things. They learn from it.” She thought how much she’d learned from her father. “It’s important to me that Delphi sees me being resilient, but also I need her to see me handling change even when it feels scary and hard. And change often is scary and hard, isn’t it?”
The three women were silent and she had a feeling she’d struck a chord.
“Yes.” Anna’s voice was thickened. “Change can be very hard, particularly when it’s something you haven’t chosen. You want to freeze time.”
Hattie saw Erica glance at Anna and had a feeling there was more to the comment than simply an astute observation on human behavior. Either way, Anna was right about sometimes wanting to freeze time. That was essentially what she’d done since Brent had died.
And she realized that everything she’d been applying to the inn applied to the rest of her life, too. She’d been standing still, as if by not moving on she could somehow keep Brent with her.
“Obviously, I didn’t know Brent,” Erica said, “but I’m sure the man you describe wouldn’t have wanted you to be feeling this way. He sounds as if he was the bold, adventurous type. He’d want you to get out there and live life to the full.”
“Yes, he would.” And it was what she would have wanted for him, too, had their situations been reversed. She wouldn’t have wanted him to pause his life.She would have wanted him to make the most of the life he’d been given.
And finally, she saw it clearly. It wasn’t a betrayal to him to make small steps forward, to move on. It would have been a betrayal not to. She owed it to him to live a full life and not let her decisions be driven by guilt or fear.
She felt lighter inside. “It’s good to talk to you. Thank you.”
“Good to talk to you, too. We, the Hotel Book Club, are always available for advice and bonding sessions. So this date with Noah—” Claudia cleared her throat. “Sorry, I mean this not-a-date with Noah, where are you going?”
“I don’t know. He said he’d book somewhere.”
“That’s romantic.”
Hattie laughed. Noah was more down-to-earth and practical than romantic. “He probably just didn’t know at the time. Which brings us back to this dress.” But she no longer had doubts about the dress. She didn’t want to melt into the background. She didn’t want to play it safe. She wanted to wear a dress that made her feel happy, and this dress most definitely did that.
Anna waved a hand. “The dress works wherever you end up eating. It’s agreed. We’re doing hair and makeup and you are going to enjoy a guilt-free evening.”
“And if he kisses you,” Claudia said, “you are going to kiss him right back. I bet that man is a seriously good kisser.”
This time Hattie said nothing. She already knew he was a seriously good kisser, but that wasn’t something she was willing to share. Some feelings were hers and hers alone.
But maybe instead of hiding from what had happened, it was time to address it.
TWENTY-ONE
Erica
Erica hauled the sled to the top of the bank, following Delphi, who was, quite evidently, a great deal more experienced at this than she was. The padded jacket she’d bought for the trip felt bulky and unfamiliar. It wasn’t flattering and it was a long way from her usual choice of clothing, but at least it was doing a good job keeping out the cold.
She paused to draw breath, feeling the freezing air fill her lungs. All around them were trees and beyond the trees the mountains. Below her the ground fell away in a gentle slope all the way to the gardens of the inn, the fresh layer of snow turning hedges and plants into frozen sculptures.
Erica had never been on a sled and couldn’t quite believe she was doing it now. When she’d suggested Delphi pick an activity, she’d expected to find herself coloring, or reading, or enjoying some other quietly thoughtful occupation. But Delphi had wanted to go outdoors.
“She loves it out there.” Hattie had tucked Delphi into multiple layers and helped her pull on snow boots.“She’s an unstoppable bundle of energy. After a day at kindergarten, it’s what she needs.”
Erica had managed to pretend that playing in new snow in temperatures capable of freezing human skin was exactly what she needed, too.
Fortunately, Anna had been keen to join them and the three of them had trudged round to the back of the hotel and then up to the top of the slope, which Hattie assured them provided first-class and very safe sledding. Anna had gone first, whooping her way down the hill while Delphi cheered. And now it was Delphi’s turn.
Trying to be a responsible aunt, Erica turned to warn her to be careful but Delphi was already on the sled and speeding down the hill toward Anna. A kaleidoscope of possible catastrophes filled Erica’s head, but Delphi made it to the bottom without mishap and then it was Erica’s turn.
Hoping that next time Delphi would pick coloring as an activity, Erica straddled the sled. From this angle the slope seemed steeper than she’d first thought. For a second she felt something close to fear, and then laughed at herself. A five-year-old had just gone down the same slope without hesitating, and here she was wondering if it was a good idea. It made her realize that her life was far too sanitized and controlled. She spent too much time inside soulless glass offices and luxury hotels.
She breathed in the sharp, cold air and decided she needed to get outdoors more. Maybe instead of hotel gyms, she’d start running. Maybe she’d learn to ski. Jack skied and was always talking about how the concentration required meant that, for him, it was the ultimate form of relaxation.
