“It was the first time! That’s the point. The problem.” Becky sucked in air. “It was the first time.”
“But you said the two of you were—” Rosie stopped. What was she missing? She was starting to feel her lack of sleep, and also the lack of proper conversations with her sister over the past months. There were gaps, and she was stumbling into them. “I’m so confused.”
“So am I. That’s why I messaged you. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“What, sex? You were going to have a relationship without sex?”
“No! I mean—yes—” Becky turned scarlet. “Sex wasn’t part of the plan, that’s all.”
“Plan?”
“Agh.” Becky covered her face with her hands. “It was supposed to be fake. A pretence. Just to get me through the whole awkwardness of Christmas. And suddenly the whole thing got weird, and now this.”
“Fake?”
“Yes, fake.” Becky let her hands drop. “Could you stop repeating everything I say?”
“If you could finish a sentence then yes, maybe.” Rosie saw the misery in her sister’s eyes and felt her frustration melt away. “Are you saying your relationship with Will isn’t real?”
“It wasn’t supposed to be real, but last night was definitely real. It was as real as it gets. And I thought it would be okay. It’s not as if I’m the kind of person who spills her emotions over everyone, anyway. I had this whole plan about behaving as if nothing was wrong, nothing had changed, but it has. And I don’t think I can do it.” Becky’s shoulders drooped. “I’m in love with him. Really in love this time.”
“This time? Wait a minute—” Rosie was struggling to keep up. Her brain felt as if it was working in slow motion. “A moment ago you said it was fake. That you were pretending. What do you mean?”
Becky closed her eyes briefly. “I never intended to have this conversation. Promise you won’t hate me?”
“You know I could never hate you. Why would you say a thing like that to me?”
“Because this whole thing has been a nightmare, and I’ve lost my sense of perspective.” Becky rubbed her fingers over her forehead, trying to find the words. She shook her head. “This is so awkward.”
“Becky—”
“Okay! That thing you said—”
“Thing?”
“About me being in love with Declan. You were sort of right, but also not right. It’s true that for a while I thought I was in love with Declan, but—” she lifted a hand “—before you freak out let me assure you that I was wrong about that. There was never a point where I was in love with Declan. Turns out that seeing you get married was a very confusing time for me. Your wedding was like an earthquake in my life. It shook everything. My emotions were a mess. And I wasn’t expecting that. I’m a pretty level person as you know and suddenly I was feeling far too many feelings. It was all feelings, feelings, feelings. Nightmare.”
Rosie stared at her. “You—”
“Let me say it again just so there is no mistake. I’m not in love with Declan. And I never have been. I just thought I was. And frankly it was awful. The last few months have been awful. No fun at all.”
Rosie stood for a moment, digesting everything her sister was saying.
“So that day at the wedding,” she said slowly. “It wasn’t shellfish.”
“No. I had a bit of a meltdown. And you’re going to ask me exactly what happened and honestly I don’t really know. I was standing there, watching you exchange vows with Declan, and suddenly it was as if someone had dropped a bomb into the middle of my life. I hadn’t really thought about it much before that moment, but when I saw him looking at you, and you looking at him, I felt as if I’d lost something. The most important thing in my life. And at that point I was very confused, and I thought it was seeing Declan marrying you. But now I see it wasn’t that. It would have been the same whoever you’d married. You and I had always navigated life together, side by side, and suddenly you had someone else by your side, and I was happy for you, honestly, I really was, but I was also—” She swallowed hard. “Bereft. I felt as if part of me had been cut away. For the first time in my life I felt as if I was facing the world alone, and that was terrifying. I didn’t know how I was going to get through life with half of me missing. But I only figured most of this out recently. Because I’m emotionally illiterate, as you know.” Her voice cracked and Rosie felt her own throat thicken.
“Becky—”
“I panicked. In that moment I really,reallydidn’t want him to marry you and it took all my willpower not to stop the whole wedding happening.”
Rosie thought back to her wedding, remembering that exact moment Becky had described. Declan had looked at her asthey’d said her vows and she’d never felt so close to anyone, so deeply connected. It had been such an intimate moment, she’d forgotten everyone around her, including her sister.
She’d had no idea that her sister had been suffering.
“So you escaped the moment the ceremony was over and locked yourself in the bathroom.” There was an ache in her chest. “Why didn’t you message me?”
“Because at that point I hadn’t deciphered exactly what was wrong. And anyway, it was your wedding day. Also I don’t deal with my problems by chatting about them, you know that. That’s what you do. I go to the gym, or do some gaming and shoot zombies.”
