“I will most definitely take you up on that,” I say, feeling a weight lift off my chest. “It would be nice to have a female perspective from time to time. Especially when there are some things I just can’t talk about with Brandon.”
Like Ethan.Ethan is probably theonlything we can’t talk about, and I’m not sure why.
“I totally get that.” Brynn laughs. “I mean, anytime you go to men with a problem, they’re just so . . .”
“Practical?” Charlotte chimes in.
“Yes,” Brynn drawls. “Like, sometimes you just want to vent or complain or whatever without rational advice. And could you imagine if you went to Brandon for guy advice?”
“It would never work,” Charlotte agrees, and I feel like they get it.
“Yeah, there are certain topics totally off the table with Brandon, and my roommate and I are cool, but we’re not particularly close.” I stir my drink, staring at the bubbles while I think about my first time with Ethan.
“So, youneedus,” Avery proclaims. “As a newbie. I get it. When I transferred last semester and crashed their little foursome, these ladies were so welcoming,” she says, staring at the girls fondly.
I bite my lip as an overwhelming surge of gratitude for these ladies, and this moment balloons inside of me. Or maybe it’s the stress of the last couple weeks that’s making me feel like I might burst. Breaking the news to Brandon that I might transfer, the tension between him and Ethan, my disappointing first time, and the massage incident. The weight of it presses on my shoulders.
“Hey,” Liz gently nudges my arm. “I think we lost you for a moment.”
“Yeah, sorry. I just . . .” I exhale, wondering where I should start and if I even should.
“Something’s up,” Samantha says, narrowing her eyes. “I can see those wheels spinning, so spill.”
“I had sex,” I blurt out, fighting the urge to hide behind my hands.
“Um, congratulations?” Brynn says, like she’s not sure it’s a good thing.
Welcome to the club. Even I’m not sure.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to rein it in. “I mean, not just for the first time with Ethan, but also for the first timeever.”
“Ahhh,” Avery says with a knowing look. “And it wasn’t what you expected?”
I sigh and shake my head, dropping my hands in my lap. “No. I mean, I don’t know. I was drunk. Like, really, really drunk.”
Charlotte winces, and I feel it in my bones before she tries to cover it up by taking a sip of her drink. Beside me Brynn stares in wide-eyed alarm. “Did you . . . You consented, right?”
“Yes. Definitely,” I rush to say.
I mean, truthfully, I was kind of out of it, but I knew where we were headed and what he wanted, and Itoldhim I wanted it too.So, this is on me. Right?
I clear my throat and add, “He said he loved me and a ton of other sweet things, and I wanted to be with him, but I . . . I don’t know. I’m not sure why I’m questioning it when I still want to be with him. I’m thinking of transferring schools for him for heaven’s sake, but it just . . .” How do I put my finger on what the problem was?
“It sucked, didn’t it?” Samantha blurts.
The rest of the girls stare at me intently, waiting for my answer.
“It’s okay to say it,” Charlotte adds. “It’s not like we’re going to tell anyone.”
“Maybe?” I wince. “I mean, how do I know what’s good or not if I have zero experience? And how do I know it wasn’t just the alcohol that was the problem?”
“First of all,” Brynn says, raising a hand. “He should’ve waited until you were sober.”
I nod, knowing this in my bones, but not wanting to admit it to myself because I don’t want a reason to be upset with him. “In all fairness, he’d been drinking too, so maybe he wasn’t sober enough to make a sound decision, either.”
“Okay,” Brynn says, but she doesn’t sound convinced. “Regardless, you’d know, drunk or not, if it was good.”
“Even as a virgin,” Avery adds.
