She looks up at me, senses my hesitation as her fingertips graze the bulge in my jeans, and she tilts her head just enough that gold and pink spills back over her shoulder. "Tank? What's wrong?"
I can't answer. My throat is too tight.
Here I am, on the threshold of the only fantasy I've ever had, and all I can think is how fucking terrified of her finding out I'm even more fucked up than she could imagine because I've never even done this.
Never even beentouchedby another person.
I thought about it a handful of times. Thought about going to one of the women who work the bars outside our territory, so there wouldn't be any pressure if they wanted to back out. But in the end, it just felt… wrong. Like using someone.
No, more than that, it felt wrong because it wasn'ther. The only girl I've ever loved. The only person I've ever wanted to touch,even if I never, not even for a second, imagined she would want me.
Chooseme.
Then the realization lights up her eyes and I know it's all over anyway. Just as well. She would have regretted it, and I don't think I could live with myself seeing that look in her eyes. Knowing the best moment of my life was something that caused her pain or regret.
"You're… you've never done this?" There's no judgment in her voice. Just curiosity, but I can't bear to look at her.
All I can do is shake my head like a fucking idiot.
Then she takes my hand. Hers fits inside it like a bird in a cave, fluttering softly as she laces her fingers with mine.
"I can show you," she says softly. Gently. A goddess coming down from the mountaintop to offer an impossible gift to a mortal. "If you want."
When I finally dare to look at her again, there's no amusement on her perfect face. No condescension or mockery, just the desire that's somehow not extinguished by the pathetic revelation that was just dropped on her.
IfI want.
I've never wanted anything more in my life. Didn't know it was possible to want anything, anyone, this much.
And she fucking wants me, too.
Chapter 28
ELLIE
Tank's handsshake as they hover over the button of my skirt. I can feel the tremor through his fingertips where they rest against my hip, see the war playing out behind those dark eyes.
Want versus fear.
Desire versus the certainty that he's not good enough, not whole enough, nothumanenough to deserve this.
Monster…
That's actually what he sees when he looks at himself in the mirror. And I hate that I've never even seen his face, so I know he doesn't believe me when I tell him the truth.
The truth that no matter what he's hiding, he's still the kindest, gentlest man I've ever known. The person who makes me feel safer than any other in this world.
And he doesn't hate me.
He was just trying to keep me safe.
"Hey." I cover his hands with mine, stilling them. "We don't have to do this if you're not ready. I can just?—"
He shakes his head.Want this. Want you. Just don't want to hurt you.
The confession makes my heart flutter. This massive man who could snap necks like twigs, who's probably killed more people than I want to count, is terrified of touching me wrong.
"Then let me show you." I guide his hands to the zipper at my hip, helping him slide it down with fingers that are steadier than his. "There's no wrong way to do this, Tank. Not with me."
