18
After a day spent playing outside in the cold and inside cousin time, where the kids had played several rounds of Monopoly and watched The Santa Clause, Casey and PJ offered to tuck Lindsey in as Jilly said good-bye to her sister and brother-in-law.
Their good-bye was just as stiff and tense as the rest of the day had been. Iris hadn't magically forgiven Jilly for what she'd said during Lindsey's birthday party. And Jilly hadn't been ready to apologize. Not to mention that there hadn't been a spare minute.
She closed up the front door and glanced up the stairs, where all the lights were turned off. No whispering tonight. The kids were exhausted. She should still check on them, just to be sure.
There was rustling in the kitchen, as if Noah were in a hurry to get his coat on.
She left the kids, for now, and chose the kitchen.
He was in the mudroom, reaching down to the floor, sorting among the jumble of boots and socks and pants and scarves by touch.
"There's a bench to your left," she said. "I put your boots up there. Your coat is on the hook just above them."
He straightened. Something had happened while Callum and Iris had been here. Some part of him had opened up. He'd relaxed and played and laughed.
Now, the tightness in his shoulders was back.
She drew her courage up around her. Crossed her arms and stood with one foot on top of the other. "Will you stay for a while? I can make some hot chocolate. Or coffee, if you'd prefer. I'd really like for us to have a chance to talk."
She said the words hesitatingly. It was hard to be vulnerable.
His shoulders relaxed slightly.
"I can start the hot chocolate,” he said, “if you need to check on the kids."
He was staying. Relief and hope and uncertainty rushed through her in a swirl of emotions.
It didn't take long for her to tiptoe up the stairs and peek in first the boys' room and then Lindsey's. They were all tucked under the covers and asleep. She took a detour to the master bathroom to freshen up. Winced when she looked at her body beneath the shapeless sweater she wore. What was she thinking?
Back in the kitchen, Noah was pouring boiling water into two mugs. She stopped in the doorway and watched his capable hands rip the hot chocolate envelopes and add their contents to the steaming mugs. She wasn't high class. It was Swiss Miss all the way. The spoon clinked against the mug as he stirred one and then the other.
"Thank you." She crossed the room to meet him. "Will you come into the living room with me? We can get a little more comfortable."
He lifted one mug and moved through the room carefully, feeling his way with each foot extended in front of him before he stepped. Smart. She'd stepped on a few Legos in her scant months as a parent.
He sat in the same spot he had earlier in the day, on one end of the couch. Lindsey had perched beside him during the movie, whispering about her class at school and the music program they were working on.
Now, he didn't settle back against the sofa but kept to the front, his elbows on his knees and his mug on the coffee table in front of him. His hands were clasped loosely.
She went around the coffee table, stepping over a rogue basketball. The sofa seated three, but now wasn't a time for keeping her distance. She sat on the middle cushion, resting her shoulder against the back of the couch and tucking her legs underneath her. She held her mug in both hands. Even though they'd been inside for hours, she still felt cold from the inside out.
Noah turned his head slightly in her direction. Surprise was etched on his features. Was she imagining a hint of vulnerability beneath? Or was she just seeing what she wanted to see?
"I wanted to be close to you," she explained.
His eyes lowered to half-mast. His face cut away. "Then why did you pull away from me so fast? Last night, when the kids surprised you?"
Had he known the kids were approaching? His hearing was excellent. It was possible he'd known they were about to be interrupted and hadn’t alerted her.
Had this been bothering him ever since? She'd simply reacted. Done the best she could in an uncomfortable situation.
"Maybe I didn't handle things perfectly." She spoke the words almost into her mug. "The boys—Casey, especially—was upset about seeing us like that. "
His head dropped, leaving her with only a view of his shoulders, tight with tension.
"It's the same as what happened when you started narrating that story," she explained. "It's not about the hug or you and me being together. Any kind of change makes them worry that they are going to lose their place here. With me."
