She closed her eyes, wishing she could somehow stop his words from seeping into her soul. “Then why did you say it was a mistake?”
“Because you deserved better,” he growled, the words shocking her into opening her eyes. “I was using you, like I use every woman I meet. But they’re using me, too. At least withthem, it’s a mutual thing. You aren’t like that, though. You’re different, and I should have stayed away.”
Her lips parted but she clamped them together when his eyes dropped there.
“I was using you, too,” she said, a little unsteadily. She couldn’t say why, but it just felt right to be honest with him. “My fiancé had texted me that day. I was angry with him, and I wanted to prove to myself that I’d moved on. So I went home with you.”
His eyes narrowed imperceptibly. “So, you’re saying us sleeping together had more to do with him than me?”
She opened her mouth to deny it. That hadn’t been what she’d meant at all. But somehow, it felt like a bit of a shield she could hold, if he thought that. If she disputed it, she’d be admitting that in fact, when it came down to it, sleeping with Raf had been all about Raf. Nothing and no one else had mattered.
“You were a gift to myself,” she amended slightly. “My relationship was far from perfect, the ending of it spectacularly hurtful and embarrassing, and I was just sick of doing what everyone expected me to do. You were…my act of rebellion,” she admitted, swallowing quickly. “I don’t regret it, Raf. I don’t consider it to have been a mistake.”
She forced herself to meet and hold his gaze, her eyes boring into his, so she hoped he understood the sincerity of her words.
“And if there were no baby to consider, and I saw you again at the bar, I’d probably want to do this all over again,” she said, gesturing to his chest. “Honestly? I want to do it anyway, right here, right now.” She swallowed, surprised by how frank she was being. But there was something about Raf that just made it impossible to obfuscate, even a little. “But we’re having a baby together, and we need to be smarter than this. If you want to make this work, we can’t let sex complicate things.”
His eyes flickered with something she didn’t understand, but he nodded once. “You’re completely right.”
“It will just be easier if we don’t make it all…messy.”
“Yes,” he agreed. She wondered why that left her feeling hollow. Had she wanted him to fight her on this point? To talk her out of it? To tell her that they could keep the sex stuff compartmentalized from the parenting considerations?
But even as she thought that she knew it wouldn’t work. Maybe with someone who had more experience, who was used to treating sex like a physical act and nothing more. But for Elodie, she couldn’t imagine sleeping with Raf and not wanting to get to know him. And once she got to know him, what then? What if shelikedhim? What if she started to want more from him?
He didn’t seem like someone who was looking for a relationship.
He didn’t seem like someone who’d suddenly want a real family.
The thought had her inhaling quickly, moving away a little, needing space, and breathing room, even when she could hardly breathe.
A real family.
It was just where she’d thought she’d be by now. With Aaron, and hopefully a baby of their own on the way. It was what she’d always wanted. Ever since she was a little girl and she’d been a flower girl in her piano teacher’s wedding. She’d been swept up in the speeches, in how visibly in love they were, and from then on, she’d known the most important thing she wanted was to find that kind of love for herself.
Instead, she’d settled for the appearance of it, working overtime to convince herself it was ‘real’ when Aaron had been right all along. Their connection was one of friendship and convenience. Not love.
But there was still a baby on the way, and if she and Raf were careful, they could make this work. They could find the balance of co-parenting, and caring for their little person. It wouldn’t be exactly like she’d pictured it, but maybe that was a dream she had to let go, anyway? Who forecasted their future when they were seven years old?
“I came here because you convinced me it would be the right thing for our baby.” She turned back to face him, slowly. “That’s exactly what we need to keep at the front of our minds. What’s right. Not sex.” She shook her head emphatically. “Not fighting. We have to be careful, Raf. This baby deserves our best.”
He gotthe call a short time after watching Elodie walk down the corridor, her parting remark still hanging in the air:This baby deserves our best.
“I know I said twenty-four hours, but you’re in luck. The results came in early. Congratulations, Mr Santoro. You’re going to be a father.”
Rafaello had heard the confirmation almost as though he were outside of his body. His responses were split neatly into two camps. The trauma of Marcia’s betrayal had a long shadow. Of course he needed actual medical confirmation this time around. Of course, he needed to avoid the gullible stupidity he’d shown with her. And yet, bizarrely, it turned out, he didn’t. Despite what he’d said, and how he’d acted, he realized he hadn’t really doubted Elodie. That no matter how Marcia’s actions had shaped his life and behaviour, he'd been able to take a leap of faith with Elodie regardless. The evidence had been simply to make himself feel better, to go through the motions of what he knew was ‘smart’, because he felt he’d been so wrong in the past to believe what Marcia had told him.
“That’s definitive?”
“99.99 per cent match—which is as definitive as it gets.”
“I see.”
Silence. He stared out at the sweeping view, wondering where Elodie was. Wondering what to do next. His whole body was still charged with the currents of desire that were rampaging his system. But she’d been right. So right, and so much more in control than him. He had wanted to throw her over his shoulder and drag her to the nearest bedroom, making love to her until he could finally get out from under her hold. Except it hadn’t even been about that. He was trying to put a logical spin on it, when the truth was, it was all about need. The most basic, simple form of need known to man.
He stayed on the call while the obstetrician ran through a list of suggestions, including resources he would send over. When Raf advised that they’d be spending the next seven months or so in Italy, the obstetrician offered to oversee the pregnancy in cooperation with a local team.
To Raf, that made sense, but Elodie would naturally have her own thoughts on the matter.
