I started making my way through the tents, walking over exposed cloaks that were being turned into makeshift sleeping bags. But I could barely move two steps without being stopped. I debated retreating into the woods and putting on a glamour. But even out here, outside of Lumeria I could barely feel the power of the red shard on my back.
At last, I made it to our tent, the Ka Hart sigil flapping in the spring breeze. The night had grown cold, the wind strong enough to blast my hood off my head.
“Rhyan,” I called from outside. “It’s me. Can I come in?”
“Of course,” he said, but he sounded hollow and stiff.
I pushed the tent flaps apart and walked inside.
Rhyan had folded his cloak into sections on the ground, creating a small bed, just like he’d done on our countless nights sleeping in caves.
“Hey,” I said, removing my cloak. I sank down beside him, noting he’d removed his armor and weapons, and once more, had piled them neatly into a corner. My chest tightened.
“Hi.” He sounded breathless.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, taking his hand.
He shook his head. “I’m just tired. Really tired.”
I nodded. “I figured. You didn’t come find me.”
“I know. I just … I don’t know.” He released my hand and turned on his side, facing away from me.
I reached for my chest plate, quickly unhooking the clasps and placing it down beside the make-shift bed. I removed my belt and weapons next, then finally tackled the armor across my torso, until I was down to my tunic and riding pants.
I laid down beside him, shifting until my front pressed against his back. Then I wrapped my arm around him, my hand sliding into his tunic, over his heart.
He shook, then stilled, still turned away from me.
“Will you talk to me?” I asked.
“What do you want me to say?” he asked.
“Whatever you want. Whatever’s bothering you.”
“It’s fine. Everything’s fine.”
My throat tightened, and there was a painful clench in my chest. “No it’s not.”
“What do you mean?” He laughed bitterly. “I’m alive. I have an army. They named me Arkasva. And Arkturion. It’s a little confusing, all the titles. And, I have you. What could possibly be wrong?”
“You—” I said “What is this? Rhyan, what are you doing?”
He turned on his back, staring at the tent above, refusing to meet my gaze.
“I’m trying,” he said, his voice rough. “I am. But I can’t tell you how bad the guilt is I’m feeling, how much it’s gnawing at me from the inside. Tearing me apart. Lyr, I was a monster.”
“You weren’t.”
He closed his eyes, breathing hard. “But I was.”
“But you’re not anymore. If you were, would I be here now? Would I feel safe with you? You’ve seen me afraid. You know what that looks like. And I’m not. Not with you. With you I feel safe. Always.”
“But youwereafraid.” His eyes opened and moved toward mine, watching me in his peripheral vision, but his face remained turned to the ceiling. “I can’t stop seeing it in my mind. Hurting you. Hurting so many. Killing. Do you realize that some of them out there thanking me, became akadim in the first place because ofme. Because I’m the one that killed them, that ate their soul, and turned them forsaken. Me!”
“Rhyan, remember what just happened out there? They want to follow you, support you. And it’s because you were the one who turned them, who bound them to you that they’re human again. What about everything you said about absolving them of guilt? None of them wanted to be akadim. None of them chose this. And neither did you.”
“It’s a lot easier to say it to them, than it is to say it to myself.” He turned to me finally, his eyes searching mine. “I’m just afraid of what’s next. Afraid of … confronting my father.”
