“I can’t.” My hand tightened around the stave.
“Are you worried about Rhyan?” she asked.
Exhaling sharply, I nodded. Meera noticed the way my mood shifted whenever he was gone. The way I anxiously watched the mouth of the cave, waiting for his return. “But that’s not why I’m doing this. It’s not a distraction. I need to practice. I need to be ready.”
Meera folded her arms across her chest. “For what?” There was a sharp command in her voice, a sudden resurgence of the girl who was once Heir Apparent, the future High Lady and Arkasva of Bamaria. A shiver ran down my spine.
“You know what. For everything I have to do,” I said. “I’m still bound to Mercurial. And I’m going to have to face—” I stifled a groan. “Face Morgana and Aemon at some point. And—”
“And you’re going to rescue Jules,” Meera said flatly.
My heart pounded, my eyes locking with hers. “You know I am. I have to.”
Meera laughed, the sound mirthless. “Youhave to? You?”
I narrowed my eyes. “What does that mean?”
“You keep saying I, not we. Do you really think you’re doing this alone?”
“I …” I bit my lip. I’d been trying to avoid this conversation. “Meer, I’ve been thinking. And I think maybe it’s best if you go home.”
Her aura lashed out at me, stormy and icy. “What?”
“Hear me out. Rhyan and I need to buy time, legally. Everyone knows we left Bamaria, and that we’re together. Alone. I know the rumors are out there, and who knows how far they’ve been twisted.” I sighed. “We knew the risk we were taking when we fled. But now Rhyan is technically absent without leave, and I’m … I’m with him. And because of our kashonim, it puts us in danger. If we’re caught, we could be found forsworn. Bringing you home, showing we did what had to be done, well, it lends credibility to our story.”
“That’s all? You really expect me to believe that? That’s fucking gryphon shit, Lyr!”
“No, it’s not!” I yelled. “It’s true! Meera, we risked everything!”
“You think I don’t know that?” Meera yelled. “You think I’m not fucking aware of everything you’ve risked and everything you’ve sacrificed to come find me? You think I’ve forgotten everything you’ve sacrificed the last two years?” Her voice rose.
My cheeks heated. “I know you haven’t. It’s … it’s not the only reason. It’s also strategic.”
“Strategic?” Her eyes were red, as she stepped closer to me, her aura sharpening.
“Yes! We have no idea what’s happening in Bamaria. What Arianna’s up to. We need eyes there. We need to connect with our remaining allies. You’re the best one to do that.”
“Fuck that! And fuck Arianna. I might have thought so, too, before. But there’s bigger things happening than who’s currently sitting in a Seat we have no ability to claim.”
“I know,” I said, stunned. Meera had rarely cursed before she was taken.
“Do you?” She glared. “Because you seem to forget that I am the eldest sister. That I was groomed to lead. You may have spent the last two years protecting me, but I’ve spent my entire fucking life protecting you. I know what the vorakh did to me. I can’t forget. And I know the cost you’ve paid. And Jules. I have to live with it. Every single day.” Her voice broke. “But you? You were spared as a child from more than you know. The long meetings, the daily death threats we faced. Why else do you think you became so close to Jules? So you had a distraction.”
“Stop!”
Meera shook her head. “On my ninth birthday, I was given a countdown to the day I’d rule. The night we lost Jules, I wasn’t just going to come into my power and title. We were going to announce Father’s abdication. That all changed the second my vorakh appeared.” Her nostrils flared. “I should be wearing the Laurel of the Arkasva now. I should have beenwearing it for two years. And maybe if I had, Father would still be alive.”
The backs of my eyes burned. The grief, the loss of him was still too fresh. Too raw. And we both hadn’t had any time to deal with it. To process, or even share our grief. Sometimes, I even forgot he was gone, until the memories crashed down on me. In those moments, it was like seeing him die all over again.
I shook my head. “Meera. No. You can’t know that. What happened wasn’t your fault.”
“Isn’t it? I know how guilty you feel over what happened to Jules. I know how it’s tormented you. I had to watch as it tore you apart. And yet, somehow, you weren’t able to see how much worse it was for me. To know that that nightIwas chosen.Iwas protected. A line no bigger than the edge of a knife is all that saved me. Do you understand the guilt I’ve carried? I was sitting there. Right there. Do you know what it was like? To know it could have been me? To always wonder if it should have been me? And now you want to send me fucking home to do nothing? Like before. I have lived the night we lost Jules a thousand times over,” she cried. “I could have reached out and touched her—but I didn’t. And then right after … I still wanted to claim my full title. I wanted to go against Father, demand she be brought back. I had a list of plots to save her, bribes ready to go, names of soturi I trusted with the task. While we watched the Bastardmaker carry her away, I was plotting her rescue. Plotting to save her. Until I wasn’t. Until I couldn’t doanything, because I was too tormented by the visions—by the knowledge that not only would I never rule, but that every plan to quiet the growing rebellion was now useless because of me. In one night I had to accept the fact that I was so incapacitated I could no longer protect you. Like I always had. Like I swore I always would. Even worse, you had to take care of me.”
“Meera.” My voice cracked. I stepped forward, reaching for her hand.
She snapped it out of my reach, her nostrils flaring. “Don’t.”
“I’m sorry.” I pressed my lips together. “I didn’t see you. You’re right. I should have. I’m sorry.”
