‘You don’t,’ I said, and I meant it. I’d expected him to look older, of course. But I’d been worried he would look completely different – that life would have been so hard for him after everything that happened that who he was would have fundamentally changed. But against all the odds, he was still the same Nick.
And he still set butterflies off in my stomach.
‘You look amazing,’ I said, my face flushing.
‘Well now I know you’re lying, but I’ll take it.’ He swivelled round and hitched his knee up onto the bench so we were just inches apart. His eyes sparkled. ‘Do you remember the night of our picnic?’ he said, suddenly, a smile playing on his lips.
‘Oh, er… yes, of course,’ I stammered.
The picnic. The one date we managed before I ruined everything.
The night we made Flynn.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable,’ Nick said.
‘It’s fine,’ I said. My hands were shaking, and I hoped Nick wouldn’t notice. ‘It was an amazing night,’ I said.
‘It was,’ he agreed.
This was my perfect chance to tell him about Flynn.
You have a son.
We have a son.
You’re a daddy.
Except the words still wouldn’t form in my mouth.
‘So, did you ever meet anyone?’ I said, changing the subject swiftly.
This time it was Nick’s turn to look uncomfortable.
‘No. I never really found the right person,’ he said.
‘That’s a shame,’ I said, even though I was secretly relieved that meant he wasn’t with anyone.
‘After losing Dawn and then you, I was happier alone. It was safer that way, given that I knew something bad was coming. Less chance of getting hurt, or of hurting someone else. And then when Andy died, I…’ He trailed off. ‘Well, I wasn’t really in a fit state to meet anyone at all, so I threw myself into helping other people instead. At least his death meant something that way.’
We’d gone full circle again, back to me feeling the need to apologise for wrecking his life. It was clear from what he’d told me so far that the last twenty-seven years hadn’t been easy for him. That he’d closed himself away from life, let his world become smaller and smaller, and I blamed myself for that. I’d known he was still grieving for Dawn, and I’d known it was one of the reasons he didn’t want to be told anything about the future – because he never wanted to think about what could have been different. And yet I’d looked anyway, and ruined any chance we had of being together – and any chance Nick had of trusting anyone else.
I couldn’t keep saying sorry though.
‘I didn’t either,’ I said.
‘You’re still young though,’ he said, softly. ‘It’s all a bit late for me.’
‘That’s not true.’ I wanted to reach out and touch him, to feel the connection between us again, but I didn’t dare. Instead, the air shimmered between us, thick with tension and longing. At least, it did for me.
‘I didn’t mean to ruin your life,’ I whispered.
For a moment I wasn’t sure that he’d heard because he didn’t move or say anything. But then he slowly looked up at me and gave a tiny shake of his head.
‘No matter what has happened since, I will never regret meeting you,’ he said.
‘Me neither,’ I said, my chest hot, a fire burning in my belly.
It was time.
