He stepped up onto the bandstand and sat beside me, on the same side of the bench that he’d always sat. Finally, he looked at me and his piercing gaze nearly knocked the breath from my lungs. I looked away.
‘This has changed,’ he said. ‘It’s nice.’
‘Yes,’ I said, looking out at the roses which were in bloom now, the riot of colour a beautiful backdrop to this… whatever this was.
‘It’s weird knowing we can see the same thing,’ he said, as a couple strolled past hand in hand.
Of course. This was the first time we’d ever been here together and been able to see the same view. I felt dizzy at the thought.
We fell into silence, the tension between us growing with each passing moment. Finally, I had to speak.
‘I read about your brother.’
He gave small nod, his lips pressed together.
‘I don’t know how to begin to tell you how sorry I am.’
‘It was a long time ago.’
‘I know. But it was my fault?—’
‘No!’ The word exploded out of him, and even Nick looked surprised at the force with which he’d said it. He pressed his hands against the slats of the bench. ‘It wasn’t your fault, it was mine. I didn’t…’ He stopped, swallowed. It was clear this was difficult for him to say. ‘I didn’t tell him about your letter. I should have done, but I wasn’t in a good place, and I… I should have told him. But he was angry with me for not going to visit our grandad, which was why he didn’t tell me he was getting on that train instead of me that morning.’
Saying the words out loud seemed to have taken everything from him and it was as though his body had deflated as he finished. Without thinking, I reached out my hand and pressed it against his. A spark ripped through me and I gasped, pulled my hand away. I looked up at him.
‘Did you…?’
He nodded, but said nothing. I put my hand back on his, prepared for the jolt this time. ‘I hope you haven’t spent the last twenty years blaming yourself for Andy’s death?’ I said gently.
‘Of course I have.’
I shook my head. ‘But it was down to me. It was me who wrote that letter telling you about the crash, even though you’dtold me you didn’t want to know anything about the future. But I was selfish, and I… I just wanted to save you, if I could.’
He pulled his hand away and clutched it in the other one in front of him. He didn’t look at me for a long time but when he finally did there was unbearable pain in his eyes.
‘I spent so many years blaming you. I hated you for what you did,’ he said, and his words sliced through me. I said nothing though, because I deserved it. ‘But as the years have passed that anger has faded, while my anger with myself for just not being honest with him, for not telling him the truth about the letter, grew.’
‘Why didn’t you tell him?’
‘I don’t think he ever truly believed me, about you,’ he said. ‘I also thought he might try and convince me to open it, and for a long time, I didn’t want to. I put it away in a box and tried to forget about it and get on with my life. But it ate away at me, knowing it was there. Knowing that there was something you needed to tell me. Something important.’ He scratched the back of his neck. ‘It took me six years. And when I finally did read it, I wished I could go back in time and erase it all. But it was too late, because Ihadread it, and I did know that something was going to happen. And it ruined everything for me.’
I didn’t know what to say, couldn’t speak. What do you say to a man who thinks you’ve destroyed his life – especially when you know he’s probably right? Sorry didn’t even seem to touch the sides.
‘Do you realise this is the first time we’ve been anywhere together at the same time?’ Nick said, suddenly.
My heart skipped a beat at the memory of our time together here, which was still relatively fresh in my mind. While for him, it was almost a lifetime ago. I wondered whether the memory of what we’d shared, how amazing it had been, had faded overthe years. Whether it had morphed into something else, just a fleeting memory.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘It was what we always wanted, wasn’t it?’
‘More than anything,’ he said.
When I looked up Nick was studying me and I held his gaze.
‘You haven’t changed,’ he said.
‘Oh I have,’ I said, Flynn popping into my mind. It wasn’t the time to mention him yet. I needed a little longer before I told him, in case he left and I never saw him again. I just needed a little longer.
‘I must look ancient to you,’ he said, running his hand self-consciously over his hair.
