‘No time like the present.’
She grabbed my hand and I reluctantly followed her.
I dragged my feet all the way to the park. My legs were made from rubber and I felt like I was going to throw up.
At the entrance, I stopped. ‘I don’t think I can do this.’
Rachel took my hand. ‘You can,’ she said. ‘Otherwise, you’ll always wonder.’
My bones thrummed with tension. ‘But what if it’s still there? What if he didn’t find it? I mean, I have no idea of knowing whether he will even be able to see it.’
‘Then we’ll come back and check again tomorrow, and the next day and the next.’
I puffed out my cheeks and nodded. ‘Okay fine.’
We walked the rest of the way to the bandstand in silence. It was a hot day and there was no shade, the sun beating down on our heads. Pockets of people lazed on the yellowing grass, scattered like picnic crumbs. A group of teenagers threw a frisbee back and forth without enthusiasm, the plastic disc slicing languidly through the thick air.
I ignored them all, focused on only one thing.
We arrived at the bandstand, and I hesitated before stepping up. There was a couple on the bench holding hands and laughing at something. They glanced at me and smiled.
‘Hi,’ they said in unison.
‘Hello.’ Rachel was so close behind me I could feel her breath on my neck as she spoke. I didn’t move, thrown by unexpectedly finding someone else in the place I thought of as mine and Nick’s. Then Rachel jabbed me in the ribs and pushed me forward. I took the final step up.
‘I’m so sorry, my friend misplaced something the other day so we’ve just come to see if it’s still here,’ she said, as we crossed in front of them. ‘We won’t disturb you for long.’
‘No worries,’ the man said.
We reached the other side. My heart thumped wildly as I bent down to peer into the gap in the wooden upright where I’d tucked the letter. I couldn’t see it. I leaned further forward and stuck my finger in the gap.
I turned to look at Rachel. ‘It’s not there,’ I whispered.
She turned to the couple. ‘I don’t suppose you’ve found an envelope in here have you?’ she said.
The woman frowned. ‘No, I haven’t, I’m sorry. Was it important?’
‘No, it’s fine, I’m sure it will turn up.’ Rachel flashed them a smile. ‘So sorry to disturb you, enjoy the rest of your evening.’ Then she grabbed my hand and tugged me away, off the bandstand and towards the tree. As we reached the shade I glanced up at the initials Nick had carved all those weeks ago, back when we were still discovering exactly what magic there was between us. It felt like only yesterday, and yet also a lifetime ago.
‘Do you think this means he’s got it?’ I said.
‘I think you have to assume he has,’ she said. ‘Otherwise you’re going to spend the rest of your life wondering.’
‘So what happens now?’
‘Now, we go home and see if anything has changed.’
‘I’m not sure this is a good idea,’ I said. The screen glowed at me, the search bar empty. I slammed the laptop shut and closed my eyes.
‘What are you scared of, Em?’ Rachel said, gently.
I opened my eyes and looked at her. ‘Everything.’ I sighed. ‘I’m scared he will have found my letter and ignored it, but I’m also scared that he didn’t ignore it, and I might have changed the path of the future.’ I rubbed my face. ‘And I’m also scared that the letter just blew away or was found by someone else and now I’ll never know whether I might have made a difference.’
‘I get all of that,’ she said. ‘But that doesn’t explain why you won’t look him up again.’
On the walk home from the park Rachel and I had discussed what the next stage of the plan was.
‘The thing is, none of us have any idea of the rules of this thing,’ I said. ‘Nick and I tried to work it out, to control it, but nothing ever worked. So how am I meant to know how this next bit goes?’
