‘I know.’ I felt laughter bubble up inside me and burst out. Before I knew it, we were both laughing uncontrollably, tears rolling down our faces. Just as I thought it was about to stop, I’d look at Rachel and start all over again.
Finally, it began to subside and I tried to regain some control. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, wiping away my tears.
She stood suddenly. ‘Forget tea, we need a proper drink,’ she said, and marched over to the fridge. ‘Bottle of Prosecco all right? There’s not much else, unless you want a Fruit Shoot?’
‘Prosecco is good,’ I said.
Drinks poured, Rachel sat back down opposite me. ‘Now, what is it you need my help with?’
I took a gulp, preparing myself. ‘I want to look for him.’
‘But… didn’t he ask you not to?’
‘Yes, he did. And I understand his reasons. But things have changed now. We slept together, Rach, and it was… it was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It was mind-blowing.’
‘That’ll be the twenty years between you, it’s the best way to have mind-blowing sex. I read it inCosmo.’
‘It’s not funny.’
She looked at me and shook her head. ‘God I’m sorry, Ems. I’m just bloody jealous.’
‘Jealous?What on earth of?’
She shrugged and didn’t meet my eye. ‘Mind-blowing sex.’ She let out a sigh. ‘It’s been a while since me and Iain… you know.’
‘Oh Rach,’ I said, reaching across and covering her hand with mine. ‘It’ll just be a blip. You’re great together.’
‘Yeah, I know. I just feel so… deeply unsexy all the time.’
‘You, unsexy? You’re kidding me right? You’re the sexiest woman I know. If I wasn’t straight I’d definitely want to screw you.’
She finally looked at me and smiled. ‘Thanks, Em. But I definitely wouldn’t want to shag you.’
I laughed. ‘Charming. I’m serious though. This situation, it’s nothing to be jealous of. It’s torture.’
‘I know. And I’m sorry for making this about me.’
‘Don’t be daft.’
She pulled her hand away and took a sip of her wine. ‘Anyway, tell me more. What exactly do you want to do? What’s the aim?’
I knew what she meant. If 1999 Nick had asked me not to look for him, then he was unlikely to be open to me turning up on his doorstep in 2019 either. Chances are he would slam the door in my face or, worse, seeing him in real life now would somehow break the spell between us. Plus, of course, there was the other possibility to consider: if Nick hadn’t tried to look for me in 2019, then he was right – there was a strong chance that it was because he wasn’t around any more.
And yet I couldn’t get the idea out of my mind and I knew that, unless I tried, I never would.
‘I need to look for him. I can’t live the rest of my life wondering whether we could have made a go of things.’
‘What if you do find him and he’s angry with you?’
I’d thought about it. Of course I had. ‘Then I’ll just have to accept that.’
‘And if we can’t find him? What will you do then?’
Her meaning hung heavy in the air, the elephant in the room.
‘Then I’ll deal with it.’
Rachel studied me a moment longer, then nodded. ‘Then let’s do it.’
