I sighed. ‘Emma’s already suggested it. She said if she went to look for me and found me then the age difference would only be fourteen years and that wouldn’t be so bad.’
‘And she’s right. And it strikes me that unless you can do some complicated physics that no one else has ever managed to do, then it’s your only solution.’
‘Because if I was still round then, why wouldn’t I have gone to look for her?’
Andy didn’t reply for a while and I wondered whether he’d heard me. But then I saw the moment that realisation dawned, and he puffed out his cheeks, leaned back in his chair and stared up at the ceiling.
‘Fuuuuuuck, Nicky.’
‘I know.’
When he looked back at me, his eyes were sad. ‘You have to let this go now, for your own sake. You do know that, right?’
‘I do. And that’s why I told Emma to go and find someone else. To date. To have some fun.’
‘And what did she say?’
‘She said she didn’t want to.’
‘And you?’
‘It broke my heart,’ I said. ‘But I don’t see that there’s any choice. I have to let her – and myself – be happy.’
I brushed the dirt away and placed the yellow and orange gerberas carefully on the grass, then sat down.
‘Hi, my love,’ I said.
I always felt embarrassed talking to Dawn’s ashes, but today I found I didn’t care. I had so much I wanted to say to her.
The grass was damp beneath my bum and a cool breeze weaved its way through the trees and headstones. I rubbed my arms, wishing I’d brought a jumper, and smoothed my hand over the small plaque in the ground. The inscription was still crystal-clear: ‘Dawn Flynn. Wonderful wife and much-missed daughter. September 1966–October 1996. Fly high, my darling’.
I cleared my throat.
‘I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you for a while. I’ve brought your favourite flowers, liven the place up a bit.’ I swallowed down a lump in my throat. Coming here was so hard and yet comforting at the same time. I’d never been under any illusions that Dawn was actually listening to me, which was why I’d always felt so awkward talking to her. But after the last few weeks I’d begun to realise that anything was possible, and ifthere was even a small chance that she knew what was going on in my life, I owed it to her to explain myself.
‘The house still feels weird without you. Even though it’s been almost two and a half years, I still keep expecting you to walk through the door at any moment, throw your shoes and bag in a heap and run through to find me.’ I smiled sadly to myself. ‘I miss you, D.’
A dog barked in the distance and voices floated over the wall of the crematorium, and I waited a moment to gather my thoughts.
‘The thing is, D, something’s happened. Something unexpected. I’ve met someone. She’s called Emma and we met at the bandstand. I go there every week, do you know that? It’s where I feel closest to you, closer than I do here…’ I sniffed. ‘Anyway, one day she was just there and we got talking and I told her all about you. And the thing is…’ I let out a long breath. ‘The thing is, D, I really like her. Except something weird has happened. Because she…’ I checked behind me to make sure nobody was listening, then turned back to her headstone. ‘She lives in 2019.’
A beat where nothing moved, not even the blossom on the trees. I held my breath to see if there would be any sign Dawn had heard me. I don’t know what I was expecting – a single ray of sunshine, or a bluebird to land on my shoulder or something? But apart from a solitary Topic wrapper drifting across the grass behind Dawn’s gravestone, there was nothing.
I really didn’t know what had happened to me recently.
‘Anyway, I know it sounds ridiculous. It does even to me and I’m experiencing it. But I just wanted to tell you, you know. Because I still can’t get used to the fact that when something momentous happens, something amazing, you’re not here to share it with.’
I sat for a moment longer, wondering whether to say anything else. On the way here I’d imagined telling Dawn everything – about the things Emma had told me about the future, about the kiss we’d shared, about Andy telling me I should date someone else. All of it.
But now I was here I wasn’t sure I really wanted to share everything with her any more. I wasn’t sure that she’d want to know either. Perhaps this was something to keep to myself after all.
I rubbed my hands along my thighs and pushed myself to standing. The sun came out from behind a cloud as I did and warmed the back of my head. I bent down and moved the gerberas closer to her headstone, then turned and walked away.
9
EMMA
‘Come on, just press it,’ Rachel said.
