‘Shush. Let me speak.’ He studied me intently. ‘You know I love you, but you also must know that you’re kidding yourself if you think you were happy with the way things were with Greg, even before Adam came back on the scene. What I mean is, Adam is not the reason you’re so unhappy at the moment. He’s just a symptom of it.’
I shrugged and stared at the floor.
‘You and Greg. You’re – different. I know he’s always adored you, but you’ve never completely given yourself to him have you?’
‘I have! I married him didn’t I?’
‘Sure. And I’m not saying you didn’t – don’t – love him. I’m saying your mum’s right. He’s not the love of your life. Never was, never will be. He’s a lovely man, and you care about him deeply. But it was Adam who set your world alight, and now he’s back it’s made you realise that’s not quite what you have with Greg, however much you love him. And finding out your mum had exactly the same choice to make as you did has made you wonder whether you did the wrong thing, the way she says she did.’
He sat back and crossed his arms, pleased with himself. My heart was racing and I felt dizzy. As much as I’d wanted to object as Sam had been talking, to shout him down and tell him he was wrong, that I did love Greg, the truth was, he’d hit the nail on the head. Greg was not, and never had been, the love of my life.
Adam was.
‘Fuck, Sam. What the hell am I supposed to do?’
‘As far as I can see, you have two choices. One, you stay with Greg and stop thinking about Adam. Stop seeing him, stop talking about him, try and put him out of your mind completely and make your marriage work the way you’ve managed to for the last however many years.’
‘And two?’ I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it.
‘Or two, you don’t do that, and you end up breaking Greg’s heart and tearing your marriage apart.’
I couldn’t speak. I gulped down the rest of my vodka and the heat of it burned my throat. I swallowed and felt it pouring through my veins and round my head until it spun. My stomach churned and I suddenly felt as though I was about to vomit.
‘Sorry E.’ Sam placed his hand on my knee and I stared at it, not daring to think about what he’d just said. He was right, of course. If Greg found out that Adam was back and that I’d been spending time with him, it would break his heart, and if I ever told him how I felt about Adam, it would destroy him completely.
‘It has to stop, doesn’t it, me seeing Adam?’ I sighed. ‘I already made this choice, thirteen years ago. I just – I felt like it was a sign, what Mum said. About Johnny, and about how I shouldn’t settle for second best. I felt – I felt like that was what Greg was. But he’s better than that. He’s a good man, and he deserves better.’
Sam didn’t reply, and we sat for a minute in silence. I tipped my head back on the sofa and closed my eyes.
‘Want to get shit-faced?’
I grinned. ‘Samuel, you’re a terrible influence.’
‘That’s my main aim.’
I rubbed his knee. ‘Thanks darling but I really need to go home and see my husband.’
He nodded. ‘Fair enough. Shame though; I could do with a session right now.’
We both stood and walked to the door. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him.
‘Thank you Sam.’
‘What for?’
‘For being you. I needed to hear the truth, and I knew I could rely on you.’ I pecked him on the cheek then turned and left.
Before I’d even fully got out of the car, the front door swung open and Greg was hovering, looking nervous. My breath stilled in my throat.
‘Greg?’ I said, walking towards him.
‘Hey, I’m glad you’re home,’ he said, his voice soft.
‘What’s wrong? Has something happened?’ Visions of him having a relapse, of losing everything we owned on gambling sites flashed through my mind, and I pushed them away, trying to ignore the thought that perhaps that would make things easier for me by taking the decision out of my hands.
‘No.’ He stayed in the doorway, his hands clasped in front of him.
‘Well, what’s going on then? Why are you being so mysterious?’
