God, I want to fuck her. I want her to be mine in every way. I want?—
In that moment of earth-shattering pleasure, it feels worth it. Worth all the pain Ronan would inflict to have her even once. To be her first. To know I’d be indelibly marked on her, long after I was gone.
To know what it’s like to be with the only woman I’ll ever love before I die.
And then my orgasm eases, the clarity hits, and I sag back against the door as I turn the water on to clean myself up. I don’t want to die, and I know no matter what Annie thinks, Ronan would fucking kill me if he knew I was seducing his sister while lying to his face. There’s no way out of this that ends with me in one piece if we keep on like this. I need to be focused on hunting down Desmond, on ending the threat to Annie so she can go home, and Ronan’s family can be whole again.Thatshould be my focus, not this. Not physical pleasure that’s as stolen as it was eleven years ago.
Annie thinks we could keep it a secret, but I know we can’t. And I don’t want her to have to live with the knowledge that her brother killed me because of what we did together. It’s badenough that I’m lying for her—that if this all falls apart, we’ll be in the same situation.
And more than that, she hasn’t said what she wants after this. Hasn’t said that once would meanalways.
I can’t have her just once. I can’t be her first, can’t finally get what I’ve wanted all this time, and then walk away.
If she doesn’t want me forever, I can’t have her at all. And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is no forever for us.
Even if we could keep the secret, when we go back to the real world, Ronan would never allow us to be together. I might be the don now, might have ascended to a position where I’m technically worthy of Annie, but deep down, I’ll always be the O’Malley ward. Always be where I am by their grace.
I can’t have her and then walk away again. I’d rather never know at all what it was like, than know and lose her.
That’s the one thing I know for certain, after eleven years.
—
The restof the day is spent going back and forth between Boston and the safe house. My time in Boston is more of the same—following up on leads for Ronan that I know will be dead-ends while looking into Desmond and following up with my own personal contacts on his movements. He’s stayed in his penthouse for two days now, and I’m wondering if I might be able to hit him there, with enough firepower. It’s dangerous, attacking him on his own turf, the least opportune way I could go after him. But I can’t let this thing drag on much longer. Ronan is going to go insane, and I’m going to lose my mind, too.
Annie is more withdrawn when I get back to the safe house. We eat dinner and clean up in relative silence, and I have afeeling it has something to do with my rejection of her earlier. The fact that I wouldn’t go farther than we did.
She goes to take a shower and to bed without saying anything, and I go back to the couch the way I did last night. But I can't sleep.
The couch in the safe house's living room is comfortable enough—I've slept on far worse from time to time, on stakeouts for jobs in Chicago—but comfort isn't the problem. The problem is that Annie is twenty feet away in the bedroom, and every time I close my eyes, I see the look on her face when I told her no.
She wanted me to be her first.
The words echo in my head, a siren song that's been tormenting me for hours. I shift on the couch, the springs creaking beneath me, and stare at the ceiling. Moonlight filters through the curtains, casting shadows that dance across the exposed beams overhead. This cabin is one of the De Luca family's oldest safe houses—now mine—tucked away in the woods hours from Boston. It's remote, secure, and right now it feels like both a sanctuary and a prison.
I want her. God, I want her so badly it's a physical ache in my chest, a tightness that makes it hard to breathe. But I can't have her. Not like this. Not when she's vulnerable and traumatized and looking to me to erase what Desmond did to her, not just out of the simple desire to be with me. Not when taking her virginity would be the final betrayal of Ronan's trust. Not when I don’t know for sure that I’ll be able to have her forever.
He might succeed where he failed before. He might be the one who gets to be my first, whether I want it or not. It might be him who takes what I wanted to be yours, Elio.
I don’t want our first time together to be because of another man threatening her. I don’t want it to be out of fear, for it to be reactionary.
And I know if I have her once, I’ll never be able to walk away again. No matter what it costs me.
It was hard enough the first time.
I throw my arm over my eyes, blocking out the moonlight. The situation is already impossible. Every day, Ronan grills me on if I've heard anything about Annie's disappearance. Every day, I tell him my men are searching, that we'll find her soon. Every day, the lies get heavier.
And every night so far, Annie and I have gotten a little closer to that line. I went down on her. What’s next? There’s not much left. Letting her go down on me. Giving in to what she wants, and fucking her.
The thought of her mouth on my cock, something I’ve dreamed about for as long as I knew what that was, makes me stiffen instantly. I reach down, sliding my hand under my sleep pants to free my cock and ease the instant ache, when my phone buzzes on the coffee table.
I jerk my hand back as it buzzes again the screen lighting up with Ronan's name. My heart lurches, my erection instantly deflating. It's past midnight—why is he calling now?
I grab the phone, my pulse hammering. "Yeah?"
"Any news?" Ronan's voice is rough, exhausted. He hasn't been sleeping either.
"Nothing yet." The lie tastes bitter. "My men are still following leads."
