"You know what scares me?" I ask, my voice gaining strength. "It's not Ronan finding out about us. It's not the complications or the dangers or any of the rational reasons you keep coming up with to push me away."
Elio’s jaw tightens. "What scares you?"
"That Desmond might find me again before we finish this. That he might succeed where he failed before." My voice drops to a whisper. "That he might be the one who gets to be my first, whether I want it or not. That it might be him who takes what I wanted to beyours, Elio.”
The words hit him like a physical blow. I can see it in his eyes, the way his carefully constructed arguments crumble in an instant. How badly he wants this, too, no matter how much he fights it.
"Annie—"
"I'm twenty-eight years old, and I'm still a virgin," I continue, past caring about dignity or pride. "I've spent so many years being the good girl, the protected sister, never finding anyone who could handle the realities of our world, or who didn’t want to treat me like an object. And for what? So that my first sexual experience could be some monster forcing himself on me?"
"That didn't happen," he says fiercely. "You stopped him." He swallows hard.
"Barely." Tears are threatening now, but I force them back. "And what if next time I'm not so lucky?”
"There won't be a next time?—"
"You can't promise that." I stare at him, my pulse hammering in my throat. "The only thing you can promise is right now. This moment. This choice."
"What choice?" Elio grinds out. “There’s no choice, Annie. We can’t do this.”
“I wantyouto be my first.” I stare at him. “I wanted it when we were eighteen, and I want it now. I’vealwayswanted it to be you. I just didn’t ever think you would come back.”
“Me being back doesn’t change anything. I’m still not good enough for you.” The muscle in his jaw twitches. “Ronan would think I came back and took what he offered just to get close to you. He’d never trust me again. And if he found out that I touched you without permission, on top of everything else?—”
“I don’t care about that!” I snap. “Shouldn’t I get to choose? Shouldn’t I be the one who says who my first time is with?—”
“Sure.” Elio’s gaze darkens. “But if you care about me, Annie, we won’t do this. Because he’ll just be angry with you. But he’ll fucking kill me.”
“Not if he knows how I feel about you. Not if?—”
“You know better than that. We both do. You might not even get the chance to convince him. He’s angry right now, and scared, and…” Elio runs a hand through his hair. “Maybe one day.” He sounds unconvinced, but he presses on. “Maybe after all of this, we could talk to him, and?—”
I can feel the moment sputtering out, the possibility gone. He takes another step back, his gaze still fixed on mine. “We can’t do this right now, Annie. Not now. Not when—” He swallows hard. “Not when it’s not forever. I can’t?—”
It’s as if he can’t find the right words. He looks at me for a long moment, and then turns on his heel striding out of the kitchen as I sit there on the counter, watching him go.
18
ELIO
I’m so fucking aroused I can’t think straight.
I can’t even count how many times I’ve come with my hand around my cock over the years, imagining what it would be like to make Annie come with my tongue. I regretted not going that far with her so fucking much over the years.
And now I know.
The reality was so much fucking better than my imagination could ever be.
I go straight to the bathroom as I stride out of the kitchen, closing the door hard behind me and flipping the lock as I flick open the button of my jeans and yank my zipper down. I have my cock in my hand in a matter of seconds, gripping the edge of the counter until my knuckles turn white as I start to stroke myself.
I want to come with the taste of her still on my tongue. The memory of her moans and her cries still in my ears. And then…
She said she wanted me to be her first. That she’s always wanted it. That she wanted it then, and she wants it now…
That thought pounds through my head with every stroke, obliterating everything else. I can imagine it vividly—carrying Annie back to the bedroom, stripping her bare, laying her backon the bed, and worshipping every inch of her body until she’s trembling, begging, until I’m finally ready to ease my cock into her. I’d make her come first so I could feel her cunt fluttering around me as I slid inside. So I could feel her squeeze me as I gave her my cock, inch by inch, watching her face as she took it. She’d take it so well, arch her hips for me, gasp my name as I sank into her to the hilt?—
That’s it. I wanted to draw it out, to make myself last while I savored her taste, but I can’t hold it back. My cock throbs, white-hot pleasure crawling up my spine, and I explode with a shuddering groan, painting the porcelain of the sink with my cum as I spurt again and again with her name on my lips.
