Stanley: When are you going to come get your stuff, Paisley? I need it to be out ASAP.
This man...this man...has completely broken my heart. Looking down at my finger, the indention of where the ring sat is still there. He deserves not to have an answer. He didn't give me one, not when I asked him to be honest with me.
Me: I'm not in a position where I can get my stuff. Maybe donate it.
What I would prefer to say is go fuck yourself, but I still care about him. Even if he didn't care for me. Sleep won't be coming any time soon, not with all of these thought swirling around in my head. Sighing, I get out of the bed, put on a robe I found, and quietly head for the living room.
Chances are Chase won't be awake, and I'll be alone.
But as I enter the room, barely lit by the fire that's still burning, there's a ball of fluff on the couch, right where I was sitting earlier. "Oh my gosh, who are you?" I whisper as I cautiously walk over, and put my hand out for the cat to sniff.
"That's Biscuit," the deep, sleepy voice behind me says. "Because he likes making Biscuits with his feet all the time."
"You didn't have to get up," I say before I turn around. Dark circles are evident under his eyes, and he yawns so wide his jaw cracks. "I can be trusted to sit in here by myself. You won't wake up and find me dead on the couch, I promise. What happened this morning wasn't a one-off, but I don't feel as shaky as I did then."
He drags his fingers through his hair. "I'm not thinking that."
"Yes you are, and it's understandable."
"Do you want to be alone?" He asks. "If that's what you want, then I'm okay to give you that, but if you don't want to be alone, then I'll stay here with you."
I give what he's said some thought. "Biscuit and I will be okay. You can trust us. I know after what you saw this morning, you're not sure if you can..."
"Okay, I'm going back to bed, but if you need anything, let me know."
I make a move to cross my heart. "I promise."
He tips his head, and then turns so that he can go back to his bedroom. Waiting, I listen for the sound of the door shutting, and then relax, before sitting on the couch, and pulling my feet up underneath me. The cat scoots over, resting his head on my thigh. Considering this is the most touch I've gotten from anything in the last few months, it brings tears to my eyes. And with those tears, a fucking floodgate opens.
Before I can stop it, I'm sobbing, snotting and gasping as all the emotions I've been shoving down into my stomach explode. God it hurts, my chest aches as I close my eyes and let those tears flow. The cat purrs, curling up closer to me, and the kindness almost breaks me. I put my knuckle in my mouth to quieten the sounds. Like I've done so many times over the past few months, I keep it to myself, and suffer in the silence.
Six
Chase
It's cold the next morning when I wake up. I should've build the fire up more before I went to bed, but Paisley had been in the living room, and she looked like she might need some time to herself.
Inhaling deeply, I let the air expand my lungs and push out all the anxiety I feel whenever I wake up in the morning. I have every day in for the last six years. But I don't want to think about that, I've spent way too much time thinking about it since all that bullshit happened.
Biscuit hops up on the bed, and purrs as he curls in a ball next to my head. "Have you been hanging out with Paisley?"
He purrs an answer.
"Yeah, she really seems as if she needed the company."
Of course I'd stopped her from killing herself, but there's a darkness that's hanging over her like a dark cloud. She doesn't know me, and I don't know her, but when I think back to the experience that brought me up close and personal with suicide, I realize I wish someone had seen what was happening. That one person had taken my loved one aside and asked them what the fuck was going on inside their heads. Wish that I could've been the one who figured it out before I was left in this situation by myself.
When I get out of bed, and my feet hit the cold floor, I shiver. But in the back of my mind, I wonder if maybe I deserve it. I was so caught up in my own shit, I didn't see the signs. And now I know I'll never miss them again.
I take a few minutes to brush my teeth, use the bathroom, and then make my way to the living room. Glancing around, I see that at some point, Paisley went back to her room. It's interesting how when you've been out here for so long by yourself, you can feel that someone else is around, that you're no longer alone.
Her scent lingers in the room, reminding me again that I'm not out here by myself anymore.
Walking over to the sink, I glance out over what's considered the backyard, but is an unobstructed view of the mountains. The rain that fell yesterday is in puddles on the back porch is starting to get covered with the snowflakes that are now falling. Judging by the way frost is gathering on the windowpanes, it's gotten much colder. Reaching over, I start the coffeemaker, and then scratch Biscuit's head.
"Good morning."
Her voice is scratchy with the remnants of sleep. Turning around, I lean against the sink and cross my arms over my chest. "Morning. Are you hungry?"
