What if he doesn’t though? I mean, I’ve no doubts that he does love me, but does his love have limitations? I try to imagine how I would feel if the roles were reversed and quickly establish that this is a rabbit hole I need to avoid.
I can’t tell Orla. She’s from a generation that would’ve sent single moms away to give birth and never mentioned the child—or the father—again.
There’s only one other person I can talk to.
Carol.
Speaking to my friend shouldn’t fill me with such trepidation, but I feel like I just volunteered to climb a mountain without a safety harness.
The house is starting to feel claustrophobic. I know it isn’t the house—it’s the secret swelling out of proportion and sucking the air out of every room I enter—but I make this call outside anyway. Wrapped up in a jacket, scarf, and wooly hat while the wind steals the leaves from the trees, and my eyes leak tears from the cold.
“Hey, baby girl, you look so cute.” Carol is outside too.
My stomach drops when I realize that she isn’t alone.
A man I don’t recognize appears on the screen behind Carol and waves at me. His smile is so wide that I can see his back teeth. He has clear dark skin and a cropped afro; I’d guess his age at anywhere between twenty and forty.
“Say hi to Jonah,” Carol says as he wraps his arms around her and nuzzles her neck.
“Hi.” I wave. It’s an automatic reaction. Wear a smiley face and act like everything is right with the world while my emotions start up the roller coaster ride again.
I shouldn’t be jealous that Carol has met someone she clearly likes. I’mnotjealous. She’s my best friend, and I want her to be happy.
I just don’t understand how my life has ended up in such a mess. I’ve always been the uncomplicated one. I didn’t date anyone till college, and even then, all my relationships were straight-up, no-nonsense, boy-meets-girl and they enjoy spending time together. I never had a thing for bad boys. I never cheated on my boyfriend. The first sign of things drifting apart, the relationship reached an amicable conclusion, and we moved on like mature sensible adults.
Maybe that’s where I went wrong.
Maybe if I’d gotten my inner-wild-child out of my system when I was younger, none of this would’ve happened.
Who am I kidding though? My pussy started having palpitations the first moment I set eyes on Declan. No way was I going to live under the same roof as him and think about becoming a nun.
“Mia?” Carol snaps her fingers in front of the screen to jolt me out of my reverie. “Wow, you looked like you’d zoned out back then. Are you hungover?”
“No.”I can’t drink for the next eight months because I’m growing a baby inside me, not that I drink a lot anyway, but it’s another way in which my life has changed while I’ve been falling in love with my boss. “I just… I’ve not been feeling great since… you know…”
The image on the screen blurs into a gray mess, the sounds muffled like Carol dropped her phone underwater.
I’ve reached the stables, so I head inside and stroke Sheriff’s face. It’s peaceful here out of the gusty wind. The smell of hay is comforting, and I resist the temptation to curl up on the floor inside Sheriff’s stable and sleep until someone finds me. Instead, I wrap an arm around his neck and close my eyes.
“I’m back,” Carol’s voice reaches me from the cell that’s still in my hand. “I sent Jonah for coffee, so come on, spill.”
I raise the phone in front of me and give her a small smile. “There’s nothing much to say.” I’m wimping out because I can sense that Carol’s in fight mode from thousands of miles away, and I’m not sure I can handle boxing-ring-Carol right now.
“Nothing much means that there is something on your mind so… Wait, is that a horse?”
“He’s called Sheriff. He’s Declan’s horse.” I rest my cheek on his face as if we’re best buddies now that I’ve been on his back one time.
“Since when did you become a horse lover?” She narrows her eyes and purses her lips. She’s staring at me, not the horse. The silence drags on until finally, she says, “Say that again.”
I furrow my brow. “Say what again?”
“He’s Declan’s horse.”
“He’s Declan’s horse.” Her gaze is so intense, it’s making me nervous.
“Amelia what’s going on, and don’t you dare say nothing much.”
I brought this on myself. I’m a big girl now, old enough to own my mistakes and handle the consequences. So, why are my legs barely holding me up?
