She was already in a gown on the table when he was shown into a dimly lit room.
“How are you?” He took the hand she reached out, noting the bandage inside her elbow where she’d had blood drawn.
“Feeling like a captured alien being dissected for science. Oh! The nurse said my prenatal vitamins could be making me sick and gave me a different brand to try.”
“That’s good.”
“Ready?” The technician cautioned, “Don’t worry if we can’t hear the heartbeat yet. At this stage, the heart isn’t fully formed, but… Ah.” As she began the scan, she brought up a grainy image of a kidney bean. The image wobbled then steadied. Something flickered. “That’s the cardiac pulse.”
All the air rushed out of Joaquin’s lungs.
Siobhan turned her head, mouth trembling with a smile of wonder.
Such want rose in him then, he could hardly withstand it. He wanted this. He wanted the baby and the woman. He wanted a future he could believe in.
It was terrifying to want this hard. Especially when the level of responsibility a child represented threatened to crush him. He had somehow convinced himself this was no different than his duty to look out for Zurina and Fernando’s children, but no. This washisbaby. Conceived with a woman who was taking up increasing space in his life. Not just physically, but in the wayshe occupied his thoughts and stoked his emotions and held a spark of himself inside her.
The idea of her carrying a new life was like trying to contemplate the breadth of the universe. He had to shut his thoughts down before his skull cracked. He had to lock the greedy, hungry, possessive groaning beast within him behind a wall of reserve.
He had to consciously loosen his grip on Siobhan’s hand so he wouldn’t crush her bones and watched as the technician finished taking various measurements, studying the woman’s face to be sure there were no flickers of concern.
A short time later, Siobhan was dressed and sitting beside him, waiting for the doctor to return to the consultation room.
“Are you okay?” Siobhan asked him warily.
“Yes,” he said with surprise. “Are you?”
“Yes. But you went so quiet.”
Because he was astonished. The full magnitude of her pregnancy was hitting him.
“Until now, my thoughts have all been around you, how I can support and protect you. Now I’m realizing there will soon be another person in my life. I’m trying to imagine what sort of father I’ll make. I know I won’t be abusive,” he hurried to say, needing her to know that.
“I know,” she said swiftly. Earnestly. “I think you’ll be a wonderful father.”
He winced and shook his head.
“I don’t know if I’ll be generous enough with myself.” He kept thinking about her reservations about sleeping with him. About her fears that he would disappoint her by inciting feelings he couldn’t return. “I’ve taught myself not to want things, so losing them doesn’t matter. That’s why I don’t attach to people. The way my mother left… She had to. I understand that, but she got sick before I was able to spend more time with her. I lost hertwice. Then Fernando…” He swallowed the ache in his throat. “It’s easier to hold everyone at a distance. You can’t do that to a child, though. You have to be open. Loving. I don’t know if I can be.” That was what he had tried to tell her the other night when he’d told her about Esperanza. That deep inadequacy tortured him as he thought about becoming a father.
“Trying is the first step and I know you’ll do that.” She reached across to squeeze his hand. “You’re already trying to be there for your brother’s children, even though it’s difficult. That counts.”
“It’s not enough. I know that.” It was frustrating to feel so locked up inside. Not just broken, but like a bone that had healed wrong and couldn’t change.
“Joaquin. Please trust me when I say this…”
Dios, she had the ability to sound tender and sweet. Her expression softened and he felt those wrongly healed bones inside him shift anyway, trying to straighten.
“Because I have been around a lot of babies. They are medically designed to latch on to your heart and pull it from your chest.” Her tone turned rueful, her smile playful. “The big eyes? The pure, unconditional love they drool all over you? You won’t stand a chance.”
He snorted.
“You’re really selling it,” he said drily, but found her words irrationally reassuring.
The door opened and Joaquin reflexively closed his hand tighter on hers, holding his breath until he saw the doctor’s smile.
“Everything looks as it should,” the doctor said. He reviewed Siobhan’s bloodwork with her and promised to send the results to her new doctor in Barcelona.
“Do you have any questions? Partners usually want to know about lovemaking.” He sent a wink in Joaquin’s direction beforesaying to Siobhan, “Provided you feel up for it, you may continue with your normal activities.”
