The way his expression hardens has my breath catching in my chest. It takes everything in me not to instantly beg him for forgiveness and tell him everything.
But the damage is done. Ian officially hates me. I used the vulnerability he felt comfortable enough to share with me against him. And I don’t blame him. I hate me, too.
He takes a step back while nodding. Sniffing hard, he spits out, “Message received. Glad we figured that out before wasting any more fucking time.”
I swallow, unable to respond. His eyes search my face again, looking for something. My eyes burn with tears surfacing, but I push any of my true emotions down so there’s no chance he gets even a slight glimpse of my crumbling resolve. I don’t even recognize my cold voice when I regretfully say, “We’ve wasted enough.”
His eyes widen, and I know I need to end this now before I lose it. Without another word, I take a step back and swing the door shut in his face. I spin and collapse against it silently, my back sliding down until I’m sitting on theground. Wrapping my arms around my legs, my body shakes with sobs tearing from my soul. I bite my lip to keep my cries as quiet as possible in case Ian is still on the other side.
This is by far the lowest moment in my life, and that’s saying something, considering the circumstances that landed me in Witness Protection in the first place.
7
Ian
Ifeel lightheaded. Chest tight, my unfocused gaze stays on the closed door as I suck in deep breaths. Thoughts race through my mind as I try to make sense of what just happened.
We were perfect. She was perfect. What the fuck went wrong?
I swallow hard.
I know exactly what went wrong.
If you let your guard down and open up to someone when you’re as fucked up as I am, of course, they’re going to realize they don’t want to deal with all your issues.
The last month has been the happiest I’ve ever been. Even the guys at work have made comments. At first, it made me uncomfortable. But it didn’t take me long to realize that I was actually enjoying feeling like that, and I didn’t want to tamp it down out of fear and discomfort ofthe unknown. I wanted to embrace it. Revel in it. And it all had to do with the way Maggie made me feel. She made me laugh, but she was also just as comfortable relaxing together in silence.
She told me stories about her childhood in North Carolina and how much she missed her family. And while I didn’t tell her every gruesome detail of my childhood, I opened up to her about more than I have to any other person. I even told her about more of the things that happened while I was in the military that still weigh heavily on my conscience. She never hesitated in giving me the comfort and understanding that I always hoped for but never thought I deserved.
Until now.
I suck in another deep breath. I hear sounds from inside her apartment, but I can’t decipher what they are. Pivoting on my heels, I stalk away. There is no point in sticking around.
By the time I’m climbing into my Bronco, I can’t decide which emotion is stronger—anger or the bone-deep sadness and disappointment that I wasn’t good enough for someone I thought might’ve beenthe one.
I slam the door, the sound loud in the evening air. My fists tighten and release as I attempt to gain control. When I fail, I slam one of them against the steering wheel with a shout. My chest heaves with my unsteady breaths.
I can’t be alone.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this place mentally, but I know the last thing I need is to be alone. That will only cause me to spiral further.
Jack is on a job. I don’t know where Nate is, but he’s my next best bet. Starting my car, my tires squeal as I tear out of the parking lot, feeling as reckless as I am heartbroken.
By the time I’m parking on the street in front of his house, I’m just as distraught as I was when I left Maggie’s. Nate’s truck isn’t in the driveway, but it could be in the garage.
He better fucking be home.
My fist bangs into the wood in rapid succession before crossing my arms over my chest. I bounce on the balls of my feet slightly to try to dissipate some of the anxious energy.
The door whips open, but instead of my best friend’s face staring back at me, it’s the surprised but smiling face of his oldest sister, Pamela.
“Ian! It’s so good to see you!”
I know my smile looks as forced as it feels. “Uh, yeah, good to see you, too, Pamela. Is Nate here?”
She eyes me curiously. “No, he isn’t. I have a key and had some things to drop off, so I was just bringing them inside.” She points over her shoulder with her thumb. “I don’t know what time he’ll be home, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind you waiting inside if you want.”
I turn my head and stare at the house next door as I blow out a breath through pursed lips.
