It was almost exactly an hour later when my doorbell rang. I went to the door, my coat on, my luggage packed, and my passport in my purse. I was such a pro traveler that I could pack for a quick trip in my sleep, and that’s just about what I’d done.
I opened the door and stood for a moment to drink in the sight of Jack. Every fiber of my being cried out that this was exactly what I needed, and I flung myself into his arms, sobbing. He gathered me into the warmth and security of a hug and let me cry, clinging to him.
Pulling back slightly, he looked into my eyes with concern. He wiped my tears away from my cheeks with his thumbs and pulled me back into a hug, his face nestled in my hair. “We’ll get through this, Eve. I’m here for you. You’re not alone,” He breathed warmth and strength into me. He took my carry-on and as soon as I’d locked the door and dropped the keys into my bag, he took my hand and walked me out to the waiting cab.
When we got to the first-class waiting area we sat side by side, Jack’s arm around me, my head resting on his chest. I didn’t have the brain space to wonder whether this was friend appropriate, or whether I was pushing boundaries. I only knew I needed the contact with Jack as a lifeline, to tether me and ground me. I felt that without him holding me, I might spin off into space, like a helium balloon that’s lost its string. We didn’t talk. I appreciated that he didn’t tell me everything would be fine. He didn’t know. No one knew. He didn’t offer false promises, but he offered his presence to support me, whatever the outcome.
We held hands and boarded the plane in silence. Our seats were separated by a wide armrest, so Jack couldn’t put his arm around me, but we held hands. We declined the offers of food. We set the complimentary sleep masks aside. I was not remotely ready to sleep.
Somewhere over the middle of the Atlantic, it hit me hard. I started shaking and tears rolled unchecked down my cheeks. Jack looked like he wanted to hold me but was frustrated that he couldn’t. “What is it, hon?”
The hot tears splashing down onto my chest I whispered, “Everyone leaves me. Everyone leaves.”
“What do you mean? Who left you?” Jack looked torn. He wanted to fix everything, but there was nothing he could do.
“My parents, LCB. What if Grandmère leaves me, too?” I said softly, letting the tears leak out.
Jack leaned over and took both my hands in his. “Eve,” he said intensely, looking me directly in the eyes, “your parents did not leave you. They were taken from you. You were only ten and it might have felt like abandonment, but I know they would never have chosen to leave you. They were taken from you, and you had nothing to do with that. Hon, you have to know that.”
I blinked back tears. “But LCB left me.” I knew that was true. I knew he chose to leave, that I was not good enough for him.
Shaking his head with frustration, Jack said, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about LCB, Eve. And I think there might be more to it than you know. Will you do something for me?”
“What?” I asked, warily.
“Well, a very wise, wonderful, utterly gorgeous woman that I met once on a plane told me that to face what the future held, I had to forgive what was in the past. That helped me to deal with something very difficult. You might try it yourself.”
“Jack, our situations are totally different. And I told you; I already forgave him. I’ve moved on. And that has nothing to do with my grandmère being in hospital.”
“Eve, you are afraid of abandonment.”
He had me there. I was so afraid of it that it paralyzed me.
“Just do something with me.” When I gave him a suspicious look, he said, “Trust me, Eve.”
I gave one short nod. “What?”
“Close your eyes.” I did. “Good, now I want you to think about the happy times with LCB, the times when you smiled and laughed. Think about how he held you, how he kissed you and made love to you.” Jack paused and waited for me to sort through memories, reliving the thrill I got when LCB smiled at me, when he stroked my hair as we watched a movie together, the intense look he got when studying, and how his face would light up when I walked into the room.
I nodded.
“Ok, now I want you to think about your graduation day. Picture it clearly in your mind, what you see as soon as you graduated.”
I took my time, seeing it in my mind’s eye. The brilliant blue sky, the soft breeze blowing cherry blossom petals over the crowd. Ali took my hand and led me to where his father stood, his snowy white robes billowing in the breeze. He dropped my hand and bowed to his father. They seemed to be having a conversation just with their dark, intense eyes. Ali did not seem happy. His shoulders slumped slightly, then he took a breath and stood straight. He introduced me to his father. I felt like his father was judging me, like I was not good enough for his son. And then Ali pulled his wife out by her elbow.
Her elbow.
He steered her by her elbow. He never put his arm around her or held her hand. His hand at her elbow was all the physical contact. He did not gaze at her adoringly. He did not look at her face at all as he led her away.
And then he looked back at me. One look that I don’t even remember seeing at the time. One look, but it wasn’t triumphant. He looked…in anguish. Like his father had set fire to his internal organs, but he wasn’t allowed to scream. And then his head turned and he walked away.
A shock slammed into me. A shock so violent it took my breath away.
Ali had loved me. He had never loved his wife. She was a wife in name only. He had taken a wife because his father decreed it, but he didn’t love her. He loved me. He loved me! The knowledge of it washed over me, like a cleansing shower. He hadn’t left me because he wanted to. He’d been forced to.
My eyes flew open with the power of the revelation. Jack was watching me closely. Yet more tears streaming down my face (would I ever run out?), I told Jack, “He loved me. Ali loved me. It was not his choice to leave me.”
He nodded. “I thought so, Eve.”
