Her words sliced through him. They were completely logical and yet the pain of their shared past still ached in his chest.
His knees buckled and he sat hard in his seat. Head in his hands, Alan pushed the words up through his constricting throat. “But Mama…”
Her light footsteps crossed the room, and her gentle hand settled on his back. “I know. It was devastating losing her during our baby brother’s delivery, but if it were not for her, we would not be here to experience the joys of life that we do. What if she’d decided to stop having children after you were born?”
His eyes strayed to hers. There had been two babies lost between him and Emma, but if their mother had given up, he would not have her. He’d have been alone.
He rested his hand on the one she’d placed on his shoulder. She meant so much to him. His heart seized every time he thought of those agonizing weeks after George’s birth when they’d all watched and waited, every day worrying it would be her last.
He sighed. “I do not know if I can handle another birth like George’s.”
Her laugh filled the room. “I believe I am the one who will be going through the travail.”
Alan smiled. “You know what I mean, Emma.”
“I do. And your concern is valid. Anthony is equally concerned, which is why I came in his place.” She took a deep breath. “Alan, you cannot confront him. He may not show it, but he is struggling with the prospect of another child. I think he feels a great sense of guilt over my suffering.”
“As he should.”
“No Alan. I chose this. It may be hard to see”—she gestured to her petite form— “but I am no longer a child. I am a grown woman, and I make my own choices.”
He opened his mouth, but she beat him to it.
“And before you make the assumption that Anthony makes any choices for me, remember how many times I have bested you in a battle of wills.”
Alan snapped his mouth shut. She leaned over and kissed the top of his head, much like their mother used to do.
“It will be all right. I trust God will guild me through the travail and save me from death again.”
Emma’s faith had always impressed Alan. She had held firm to the words Mr. Clayton had taught them, even in times of trial. He, however, was not so sure. The world of war was fraught with reasons to doubt, and the years he’d spent abroad fighting for king and country had made him a bit of a cynic. But deep in his heart, he still wanted to believe a loving God existed.
Perhaps that was why he was so drawn to Grace. She also held a deep conviction. Then again, it was another reason he was not suitable for her. Was there not something in the holy script about not yoking two unequal people?
“You still look troubled,” Emma said. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Alan’s gaze sharpened on her. “No.” He patted her hand again, then rose. “No, I think it best we break our fast. Do not let it be said that Alan Hensworth kept an expectant mother from feeding her unborn child.”
“I see. This is all for my benefit, then.”
He grinned. “No, I am famished, but I must lay at least some small claim to chivalry.”
She giggled, and Alan did not think there was another sound so wonderful as Emma’s laugh.
Sparkling brown eyes full of mirth appeared in his thoughts. Ones set in a sweet oval face and accompanied by a pert nose with enchanting freckles. Perhaps there was one other laugh that could compete with his sister’s.
Snow fell later that day and Alan paused at the window, trying to remember when it had ever snowed so much in Oxfordshire. The whole year had been rather cold, but he’d not expected it to be this intense.
The door to the sitting room flew open and Miss Prudence skipped in. “Do you see it? Is it not lovely?” She stopped in front of the window, giving a little bounce. “We should all go out and catch snowflakes.”
Alan blinked at her, then peered about the empty room. Miss Prudence did not seem to notice.
She latched onto his arm. “Come on, Gladsby, we need to get the others.”
In no time at all, he had been dragged to the library, where the others had apparently gathered. Prudence announced her request but was met with little enthusiasm. It seemed the others were as reticent about going out into the cold as he had been when she first announced her intent.
When Grace rose to her feet, however, and declared it a splendid idea, all reluctance fled.
“Do go on ahead.” Emma stood. “I believe I shall retire to my room for a rest.”
