“I told ye only a moment ago that ye’re breaking ma heart a third time, and ye wonder if I ever wanted to marry ye? Daft mon.” Catherine wrapped her arms around Rab as she inhaled his scent. She fought the tears, the sobs that choked her. “I’d marry ye this vera moment if I didna fear ruining more than our own lives.”
“Kitty, I love ye.” Rab realized it was the first time he’d ever made the declaration. He’d already admitted it while they talked, but the statement had never stood alone.
“I love ye, Rab. I always have, and I dinna think I will ever stop.” Catherine sighed. “But do we love each other as we are now? Or do we love the person we once kenned? I ken I’m nae the same as I was three years ago. Can ye say ye are the same mon?”
“I’m nae. But I havenae changed that much. Who I am in ma heart is still the same. Have ye changed so much that ye canna love me, or I shouldnae love ye?”
“Nay. I havenae changed that much either. At least, I dinna think so.”
“Then I’ll ride back to Edinample. I will end things with Katherine and come back to ye.”
Catherine stared at Rab, struggling to order her thoughts. Their conversation was moving too quickly, and it all felt too easy after years of heartache. “What will yer father say when ye ride into the bailey, visit yer leman, then ride back out?”
“He willna ken I was there. Katherine lives in a croft in the village, nae within the walls. I will meet her at night and leave before anyone kens I returned.”
Catherine’s left eye narrowed.
“I will nae bed her for auld time’s sake.” Rab guessed the thought that whirled through Catherine’s mind, trying to take root. “I’ll ride to a nearby village and find a priest to post the banns. Somewhere close enough to here to witness it each sennight, but far enough for word nae to reach here or our families. Kitty, I want to marry ye.”
“And I want to marry ye, Rab. At the last gathering, ye ken I planned to talk to Mòr, tell him I wanted him to consider yer suit. But then everything fell apart, and I didna dare mention it.” Catherine slid her hands into Rab’s as she stepped back to meet his gaze. “Dinna ride back yet.”
Rab objected. “I’m nae courting ye or marrying ye while a woman—a different woman—thinks I’m returning to her bed. I willna marry ye while I have a leman.”
“We may have suited three years ago, but what if we dinna now? Why break things off with a woman ye must be fond of if ye’ve been with her for two years? If things dinna work out between us, ye’d have naught to return home to.”
“Because I dinna want Katherine ever again. I dinna think I can want any woman again who isnae ye.” The adamance in Rab’s voice ran a shiver along Catherine’s spine. She’d heard the tone before, and she knew it meant he wasn’t backing down.
“Can we nae try to court first?”
Rab’s mouth thinned, but he nodded. His reluctance was apparent, but he acquiesced for Catherine’s sake. She stretched onto her toes and bussed a kiss across his lips.
“If ye can make yer confessions to me, then I must do the same.” Catherine felt the heat creep into her cheeks.
“Ye dinna have to tell me aught.”
“I want to. We may want to court, but neither of us can be certain when we’ll have another chance to be alone. I feel like the sands are falling too fast in an hourglass we canna stop. I feel like we must say everything right now, lest we dinna have another chance.”
“I feel the same. I hadnae planned to share all of this with ye in the dark in the royal orchard. I’d rather we took a long walk or a ride, but we dinna ken when we might have this chance. But I am determined to court ye, Kitty. Everything in me says I canna walk away from ye. It’s like a voice screaming inside me.”
“It’s the same for me. It’s like something is pushing me to tell ye everything, making me fear I might nae get another chance.” Catherine inhaled through her nose as she fought to keep her mind on a single idea. “I’m still a maiden, but I’m nae as innocent as when ye last spent time with me. Ye ken I nearly married Edgar Gunn.”
“Aye. I canna figure what Mòr was thinking to agree to such a match.”
“It was a good alliance for us. Despite the distance, they have a large force that could come to our aid if we…” Catherine trailed off, her lips turning down.
“If we continue to feud, and ma clan attacks again.”
“Aye. Edgar isnae a mon I’d choose for maself, but he was the mon I was certain I was to marry. He has a leman too. More than one, from what I deduced. It’s nae that I thought I could make him give them up or make him faithful. But I wanted a home without discord, and I want a family. I thought if I allowed him a few liberties before we were even betrothed, he might believe me worth the effort to at least nae ignore.”
Rab understood her logic. He understood it came from both fear and optimism. He’d resigned himself to not marrying Catherine and being forced down the aisle to another woman, eventually. He couldn’t fault her for the same and for trying to protect her future.
“Rab, I let him do more than kiss me.” Catherine bit her top lip, waiting for Rab’s reaction. When there was none, she continued. “I told ye I’m still a maiden, but I’m nae entirely untouched.”
Rab didn’t want to listen to Catherine’s confession any more than he’d wanted to make his own. But he’d already told her he’d been bedding someone else. He would be a hypocrite of the worst kind to refuse to listen after unloading his past onto her shoulders.
“Kitty, ye believed ye were going to marry the mon. Ye risked a great deal, but I understand why ye did. I dinna wish to think of another mon already kenning parts of ye that I wish were only for ma eyes, ma hands—ma mouth. But I made ye ken I havenae been a monk. I dinna have a right to hold any of this against ye. I dinna.”
Catherine dipped her chin, trying to hide her smile.
