But a thought niggled at the back of Rab’s mind, which he couldn’t push aside. He drew away from Catherine but cupped her cheeks.
“I have dreamed of doing that every day since the last time I was with ye. It’s always been ye.” Rab straightened as he peered over Catherine’s shoulder. “I want naught more than to lose maself in yer kisses until ma last breath. But I canna.”
Rab stepped back and ran a hand through his hair as he debated how to proceed. He knew he was about to hurt Catherine, but he refused to keep anything from her, especially if she only learned of it later and from someone else.
“Kitty, I have a leman. In good conscience, I canna kiss ye kenning that there is someone else.”
Catherine stood, aghast. The wind evaporated from her core, and her lungs burned. “You love another, but you’re out here with me.”
“I do nae love Katherine.” Rab flinched and thought Catherine might bolt when she shook her head.
“She has my name. Or is it that I have hers?”
“She has yers. Kitty, I have loved ye since the day I met ye. I didna understand it at first because we were too young. But I have never wanted another woman at ma side, but I thought I would never see ye again. I thought—I assumed—ye would already be married.” Rab swallowed the lump in his throat, the anguish on his face visible in the moonlight that shone upon them. “The reason I began ma relationship with Katherine is that she has the same name as ye. It was yer name I wanted to cry out. I just told ye that I’ve dreamed of kissing ye every day since the last time I was near ye, kissed ye. She has dark hair, Kitty. She gets what she wants from bedding the laird’s son, and I get someone I can pretend is ye.”
“Does she ken this?” Catherine demanded.
“Of course nae.”
“How long? How long have ye been playing this woman for a fool? How long have ye let her think ye care for her? Do ye?” Catherine’s brogue emerged as her turbulent emotions consumed her.
“Nearly two years. She kens we’ll never marry. She kens I canna marry her.”
“But she believes if ye love her that ye will, that ye might still find a way.”
“Nay.” Rab grabbed Catherine’s upper arms, easing his grip immediately as he pulled her toward him. “I have never loved a woman but ye. I have never made her think I might feel that way. I’ve been clear. Over and over. She kens I must marry to make an alliance. That’s ma only choice since I canna have the woman I really want.”
“Would she still be yer leman after ye wed?”
“Nay. Ye ken I dinna believe in infidelity. Remember the family ma uncle created by straying from ma aunt. His sons ran wild because neither parent could stand to lay eyes on the other, so they abandoned their children as much as they did one another.” The pure loathing Rab felt oozed into every word. It chilled Catherine to listen to Rab speak of his own family. These were the same men who wreaked havoc on her own. “Whomever I marry, I will always be true to her.”
“Why are ye telling me this? Ye’re going to marry someone else. Why nae just enjoy this moment and keep this to yerself?”
“Because I’m nae letting ye go ever again. Ye ken as clearly as I do that we still feel the same for one another. We said as much through our kiss. But I willna pursue ye while I have another woman waiting for me. I’ll set off for Edinample this eve and break things off with her. I want ye to ken it’s only ye and for that to be the truth.”
“Rab, being with ye is the only thing I’ve wanted since I was auld enough to understand what it means to want a mon, to wish to spend ma life with someone. But ye speak as though what we want is what’s going to happen. Ye ken that isnae how it will work out.” Catherine stepped away from Rab, shaking her head as she swallowed the threatening tears. She didn’t want to have this conversation. She didn’t want to discuss what couldn’t be, and she certainly didn’t want to learn more about the woman who shared Rab’s bed when Catherine might never do the same.
“I’m nae letting ye go ever again,” Rab repeated his earlier declaration. “I ken I will never be welcome into yer kin, but I ken for certain ma kin would welcome ye. Ma clan would accept ye.”
“The bluidy hell they will. Yer people hate ma clan enough for men to join yer cousins and rape ma aunt and ma cousins, to kill them before Mòr’s and Óg’s eyes. They willna accept me any more than ma clan accepting ye. We’d only make it worse.”
“Or we could force a truce. Either way, I willna give up and walk away. I will find a way to balance ma duties with marrying ye, Kitty. And if ma clan canna accept it, then ma father can disinherit me. Douglan can be laird.”
Catherine puffed a breath through her nose, the derision clear. “Douglan may be a good brother to ye and even an impressive warrior, but he will never be the leader ye are.”
“Aye. And ma father kens it.”
“Ye’d stake yer life, yer future on that. Our future.”
“I would. But if I’m wrong, I’m nae without means. I can hire out ma sword arm to another clan.”
“Ye canna mean that ye’d become a regular warrior in some clan.”
“That’s nae what I want. But I want a life with ye more than I want aught else. I’ve kenned that for seven years, and the past three days have been naught but a tortuous reminder. I will always provide for ye and our family. Make nay mistake aboot that.”
Catherine shook her head. “Why are ye breaking ma heart all over again? It felt as though it could never take a steady beat again when the feud erupted, and I thought I was never to lay eyes on ye again. It broke seeing ye here and kenning that naught can come of it. Why are ye saying what we ken canna happen?”
“Do ye nae wish to marry me, Kitty? Have I misunderstood all these years?”
