Caitlyn was eager to see Alex before each visit, but she dreaded them as she walked into the chamber. While it relieved her to watch Alex improve daily, it pained her to tend to him and know nothing would come of her dedication. His face was no longer bruised, and the swelling around his eyes had disappeared after a sennight. Now the brilliant green orbs watched her every movement. Their gazes locked over and over, the temptation to say more than they should obvious in their expressions. But she always hurried through his examination and application of more salve before leaving as quietly as she arrived. They barely spoke during those two weeks, despite seeing one another twice a day.
Alex accepted he was to blame for the tension between them, but he was at a loss for what to do. He knew he should apologize, but he feared only reopening the festering wound. He considered how Caitlyn removed his stitches and cleaned his wound when it became infected. He wondered if he should treat the wound to their relationship the same way. But each time he opened his mouth, he watched Caitlyn withdraw. When another three days passed, Alex was unwilling to leave things unresolved. He intended to set off for Mangerton the next day.
“Caity, will you go riding with me this morn?”
Caitlyn froze as she leaned behind Alex to inspect his injury. She’d removed the stitches four days earlier, but she was unconvinced Alex should spend five nights sleeping on the ground. But she understood he couldn’t remain at court forever. She hadn’t expected his request.
“Wouldn’t a walk be better?” Caitlyn spoke before she realized what she was saying. While she knew the walk would be better for Alex, she realized she might have insulted him, and she’d implied a willingness to go with him.
“Likely. But I know being here with me keeps you cooped up. A walk won’t afford you the distance from the keep that you’d like. And I’m leaving tomorrow.”
“Are you?” The casualness in Caitlyn’s voice fooled neither of them.
“I have to return home. I dispatched a missive to my father the first day I could see well enough to write. He’s aware of what happened, but I must meet with him to give him the details of my meetings with the king. You know those are things I can’t put in writing for anyone to read.”
“I understand.”
“Will you go riding with me, Caity?” Alex waited as Caitlyn considered his invitation.
“I’m certain you’d enjoy escaping this chamber. I’ll go.”
“You sound as though it’s a duty, an obligation. Do you think I need a nursemaid? Do you fear it will overtax me, and I shall need you to put me to rights?” Alex’s tone was bitter. He resented yet another thing that made him feel like half a man. Caitlyn threw the linen square she’d used to wipe her hands on the bed.
“What do you want from me, Alex? You come here and treat me like shite. You push me away while I try to take care of you, angry that you need someone’s help. Now you want me to enjoy your company after you’ve been surly for a fortnight. Did I misunderstand how I’m supposed to react? Am I supposed to be overjoyed that you wish to spend time with me now that you’ve decided not to be an arse?”
“All of that is true.” Alex pushed back the covers and rose from bed, wearing only a pair of breeks. “But you haven’t been very approachable of late. Everything I say, even when I try my damnedest to get it right, only aggravates you. I don’t want to leave here tomorrow with us both upset with one another. You’ve been my friend for nearly as long as I can remember.”
“Friend?” Caitlyn blew a puff of air from her nose in disgust. “As a friend, I will tell you, you’re more spoiled and selfish now than you were when you arrived at Dunure, believing yourself a fine little lordling because you’re an heir. As a friend, I will tell you that the only pity to be had is what you feel for yourself. And as a friend, I will tell you that the misery you think you feel now will only grow worse each year you insist upon pushing away people who love you no matter whether you lost all your limbs or just one. You want to be alone? Then keep it up. You will have your wish soon enough.”
Alex stood with his mouth agape, shocked at the vehemence in Caitlyn’s tone. She had said nothing untrue, but he realized that he’d pushed her to where she might walk away and not come back. The constant push-and-pull he felt whenever he was near Caitlyn was driving him to the brink, but he was punishing Caitlyn as much as he was himself. Only she had no control over his sulkiness.
“I’m sorry, Caitlyn.” Alex watched as her chin lifted, and he could tell she was uncertain how she felt about him using her full name. “I don’t know how to come to terms with everything that’s happened. But I know you are the last person I want to walk away and not look back. I know what I want, but I can’t reconcile that with what I believe is right. I don’t know that I ever can, and the guilt is swallowing me. I’m different from I was, and not just because of my arm and my face. I don’t like who I am, but I don’t know how to be any different.”
Caitlyn listened to Alex’s heartfelt words, knowing the confession cost him his pride. She stepped closer to him and cupped his cheeks. “Mayhap neither of us is going to have the future we wanted. But don’t punish me for that, Alex. I swore to myself that night you got hurt that I wouldn’t turn my back on you, but you make it mighty hard. If a friend is how you view me, then a friend I will be. But let me do that. Don’t blame me for the choice you’ve made. You know it isn’t the one I would make.”
Alex cupped Caitlyn’s hand before he turned his head to kiss her palm. “Thank you, Caity. Not only for tending to me, and not only for putting up with me. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for seeing me the way you always have when I can’t do it.”
Caitlyn swallowed the temptation to tell him she did it because she loved him. It would only cause her more pain. Whether or not he returned the sentiment, they would go no further with their romance. She drew in a fortifying breath.
“I can be ready to ride in fifteen minutes. I’ll join you in the stables. Can one of your men find my guards, please?”
“Of course.”
Caitlyn offered a tight smile before she gathered her belongings and passed through the door. Alex watched her go, and it was as though a vacuum sucked all the light from the chamber despite how the sun shone.
Am I wrong? Each dream has made it seem more and more possible to have a future with Caitlyn. They feel so real. But they’re just dreams, you fool. You might think aboot the trouble with the Scotts, but you’re too busy swanning around with your make-believe wife to recall what life is really like. It’s all fantasy. One that is likely to get Caitlyn and half your clan killed. Be realistic, mon. This attack proved I’m not strong enough to defend myself, let alone Caitlyn or lead a clan.
Go for the ride with her, enjoy as much time as you have, then mount your horse again in the morn and leave. Leave Stirling and leave Caitlyn to find the mon she deserves. It might be what finally kills me, knowing she’s with someone else, but try to be bluidy decent for the first time since you arrived here.
Alex struggled into his doublet, having not worn one since the morning King Robert visited and Caitlyn arrived to check on him. He glanced at his scabbard and gritted his teeth. If he rode out without it, anyone who spotted them would think him an easy target. They would be right, but he hoped carrying his sword would be a deterrent. He pulled the strap over his head and settled the empty sheath on his back. It felt as natural as breathing, and for the first time since the battle, it felt right to wear it. That only made him feel even more conflicted.
Alex joined his men in the bailey after claiming his sword from the guards at the gate. He’d held it in his hand long enough to make people stare even more than usual. When he slid it into the scabbard the sound was reassuring, when it had been humiliating and bitter for the past six months. He spotted Mitcham, Stephen, and Grant, who stood with his men as Caitlyn’s chaperone on their outing. Alex ordered David to remain at the keep and listen for anything said about him once he was through the gate. He expected more gossip once people thought he wouldn’t hear it.
Alex watched as Grant helped Caitlyn into the saddle, an act Alex had done countless times over the years. His palms tingled and his chest burned knowing he couldn’t do so anymore. Caitlyn glanced at him, but beyond that, she studiously kept her eyes averted. He understood she was attempting to preserve his dignity as he struggled to mount. Alex examined his saddle, dreading how ungainly he appeared. He considered whether there was a better way than what he’d been doing. He’d kept the reins in his right hand rather than his left while trying to use his right hand to grip the saddle. It felt uncoordinated, and it had irritated his horse, Strong, the first few times. But he’d aptly named his mount when he was two-and-twelve. He’d chosen the name because he thought it was the better part of his clan’s name, but it was a fitting moniker for the enormous beast.
Taking the reins and passing them to his left hand, he wrapped his fingers around the leather leads. It surprised him to find he could grip them better than he expected. He glanced around him, sensing people watched him. He doubted it was a wise time to attempt mounting a different way, but somehow, he felt braver than he had since he started riding again. He lifted his left arm until his left hand could grip the saddle with the reins still in his hold. Slipping his foot into the stirrup, his right hand wrapped around the saddle where it belonged. Pushing with all the strength he could muster in his legs, he heaved himself into the saddle with such force that he nearly slid off the other side. He hadn’t expected the ease with which he could move. He grinned to himself before regaining his bearing and nodding to the others.
Caitlyn tried to pretend she wasn’t watching Alex, fearful of how he planned to mount without tearing his stitches and curious about how he overcame the lack of his left arm to help him. It surprised her to watch him use it to hold his reins and help him balance. The doublet pulled tight across his back as the muscles strained beneath it. She glimpsed the hewn muscles of his expansive chest as he leaned forward for a moment as he mounted. The collar was unfastened and afforded her an unobstructed view down his doublet. She caught herself before she licked her lips. She was ready for them to spur their horses and clatter out of the bailey. It gave her something to concentrate on rather than ogling Alex.
